The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so I am trying to get past the accusation from AH that he stopped wanting to talk to me once my depression started 10 yrs ago. aarrrrgh, I didn't take this well as we all have triggers. I feel I was diagnosed and had meds started then because of all the stress from living with an A that triggered the depression. It doesn't matter but yet it does, it hurts to have him blame me again for all our troubles. There are the 3 C's yet I know it is not fun to live with depression so I guess I feel some guilt. Maybe it is both things that got us to this place. I'm stuck and I should get this but I can't. Please help. thks, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
BOTH depression and alcoholism ARE DISEASES. We cannot control getting a disease or having one go into "remission", etc. Neither one of you can be blamed for your respective diseases!
Its just the way the situation is. Either you both accept that or not. I think it comes down to acceptance and as a married couple both of you accepting the fact that you have these diseases as prominent features of your life. In a way, its kind of "even steven" because you both have one- now what can you do as a couple and as individuals to address this? What good choices can you make to adequately deal with your life as it is (in full acceptance)?
He is not an alcoholic because of you. You are not depressed because of him.
GO here: an article in NYTimes re: the physical disease of depression:
I know it hurts a lot to get that blame shoveled on top of you- I used to deal with that all the time and it really wears on you. At least it sure did on me. I found that the only way I could counter that was to be around as many people as possible who did not do that- who just accepted me and loved me unconditionally and I found those people in al-anon family groups. Still finding them there.
Also, how is it going with your HP? What does HP say to all this?
I think that when we hear someone outside of us blaming us, it is a magnification of a voice we may have (a very old one) inside of us saying the same thing which is what makes it soooo powerful and so crushing. I know I had to do work to identify that inside voice and bring awareness to it and identify it. This was just my thing, though, it may not be yours. But I needed to ask: "why is this triggering me so much?" and follow it down/back to some older therapy stuff in order to shine light on it and make it dissipate.
The "place" where you both are is a place you need to be or else HP would not have you there. Can you find a silver lining or fruits there, in that place? What are you learning?
Take what you like and leave the rest, Dub. Lots of people love you here, including me. J.
-- Edited by Jean4444 on Wednesday 25th of March 2009 05:34:59 AM
