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Hello! I've just started with Alanon, and it has done wonders for me. However, my family is totally against my "A" they are rude to him, and when I talk about him in front of my family, all I get are negative comments, and things like "You can do so much better" "Why do you put yourself through that" "I'm disappointed in you, being with a man like that" It's very hurtful to me, not only do I have to work on myself because of my "A's" illness, now I have to defend myself with my family and friends. It's getting tiresome, and I am wondering, besides speaking with my Higher Power on a frequent basis, how do I cope with the concerned loved ones?
I only very recently told my family about my husband being an alcoholic.
I have had a variety of reactions most supportive.
My younger sister told me "well we all thought that you were so much better than him, why don't you just divorce him. Then we realize that there is a reason that people choose each other". We talked for an hour and the problems in her marriage came out (she is married to a sex addict-my family does not know). We went around and around about her husbands behaviour and she discusssed her options and then I said it "Hey why don't you divorce him? That's the quickets easiest way out of this mess"?
I kinda felt I knew and would understand the answer....
"But I love him, when we are getting along he is the nicest, caring, etc"..... Sound familiar?
Well I felt protective towards my sister and evil thoughts towards her husband but also realize that she is an adult and has her choices pretty well in front of her
As we all do.
Your family is looking out for you.
Here is an excerpt from the email that I sent to my family:
If you don't know about alanon it is a group of people who get together and talk about their life. It is really a big self-improvment project for yourself. They teach you that legally, morally and ethically there is nothing that YOU can do to help the alcoholic. But you can and SHOULD work on yourself
There is nothing to fix, I am fixing what I can myself.
"Pete"'s recovery if it is to happen is his to decide.
Please keep taking care of you...
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
There isn't a whole lot to do in regard to the way the family accepts the situation. My experience is that, since you are the one who is in relationship and married to him, you are the person who lives the closest to the disease. The family isn't married to him, in other words. They are free to do whatever they want. Let it go. It either happens or it doesn't. I am probably not explaining this too well but I think you can get the picture.
My family cannot stand my husband. They too wonder why I haven't divorced him. They do not like the way he treats the kids or me and I am aware of it.
My InLaws and I are not close either. The easiest thing for me is to avoid the situation. On the occasions when we are all together, we act polite. My parents not my sister like him, but I ask them to please give me the respect of being at least polite, he is my husband and the father of my children. They are civil and cold, but they are polite.
You might want to remind them that it is your marriage and your choice, they do not have to love him or even like him, but please be civil and stay out of it.
I am in the process of figuring out how to tell my parents about my A at home. They do not live close to me, so they don't see the real situation that goes on in my life/home.
I am scared because my mother's father died of alcoholism, and for most of my life, she has demonized alcohol and alcoholics. She never went to any support recovery groups and very much exibits the "classic" Adult Child of an Alcoholic symptoms. It is likely that she will put my A down and exhibit some kind of twisted pity/judgement on me for being with my A, which is why I have yet to talk with her about this. However, as part of my own recovery, I need to stop making excuses for my A, which includes hiding this from my own family.
The acceptance of the fact that I will not be able to control their reactions, good or bad, will allow me to disclose this information, because it will aid in my recovery. If they persist in making only negative comments that are hurtful, I will ask that they not speak to me about it. After all, I am not required to take verbal/emotional abuse from others, including family.
Weez, funny, I had been going through the same thing. Everytime I spoke with my sister (especially) and my mom (somewhat) it was always as you say negative and suggestions to "get rid of her before she ruins you and the kids". "you can do so much better" My mom would say things like "you need a gal like so in so, she is so sweeeeet and smart". Finally I had had enough and said that I don't want to hear it and refused to speak with them about her problems when they would bring it up,and told them my decision to stay in marriage is mine. Now the flip side of this coin, I, no matter how bent out of shape I let myself get (hopefully that seems to be less and less) I have learned I can not vent to them either.
My mom went into the hospital from a fall at home friday, took my wife and the kids to see her saturday (she doing well by the way) and my sister was there. It was ackward especially for my wife, however they were very good to each other. wow this was a relief cause my sister is somewhat judgemental of my wife and has a tendancy to tell it like it is, as well I'm her younger brother and she has always been slightly "protective of me" since we were kids. I took some things up to my mom this morning and she said "C" (my sister) and her had a talk and the jest was that she (my wife) is still part of this family. That was nice to hear.
To make a long story short, it is your business. My family loves me and wants the best for me, they just can't make your decisions for me. I am willing to bet it is same for you.
Want some one to talk to, go to a meeting, call your sponsor or do just what You did here. I find its always good to speak to someone that has been where I am.
Today is a good day even though its cold and rainy.
Hi Weeze , the easiest way is to not talk about him with your family period, they are your parents and know way too much already , go to meetings and talk to al anon people about any problems u may have they are the only ones who understand you anyway. Your husb will have to earn his respect back for himself.
If it gets out of hand perhaps sit your family down and tell them it hurt u when they talk about him like they do, that u have made the decission for now to stay in your marriage and simply ask them to support that. be polite but firm. and never let anyone make u choose between them.
For along time I went to my parents alone it was just easier for all of us. Have a relationship with them ad keep it simple. I hope u are going to meetings f2f they will help u alot.
Hmmm, what you think of me is none of my business.... That's interesting and very true. What anyone thinks of us is none of our business. However, I do think that we can grow and learn with taking what others say about us and analyzing it to see if perhaps some of what is being said is realistic. I have found that listening to what others think about me to be both positive and negative in that it brought me more insight and drive to discover who I truly am as a person.
I believe though this is a learning process and it isn't until we get to a point in ourselves that we are completely comfortable of who we are as a person, can set boundaries and have confidence on what we believe as individuals to be right or wrong. It is ONLY when we come to this point within ourselves that we can let go of what others think about us and do exactly as you've indicated in the statement, "what you think about me is none of my business".
The bad news is we cannot change anyone, BUT the good news is we have a choice to live in an unhealthy relationship or go a different direction in our life. I, myself am VERY thankful for God's grace and mercy He has offered because it's given me confidence in knowing that I can love someone deep in my heart, yet not have to accept the abuse that comes with loving an alcoholic or any other person with codependency characteristics, including myself. :))) Of course with myself, my flaws are ALWAYS being given to God every moment of the day, as ONLY He can help me overcome my issues.
As far as family... Even Jesus swept the sand off his feet when he was not welcome! Nothing different about family-- they are not God, only God is God and if even our family is standing in our way of the direction God wants us to go in our life, we must not be caught up in the temptation to idolize them. I love my family with all of my heart, as well as some other people in my life, but the relationships are ALL part of the cycle of unhealthy abuse that I no longer will tolerate. I have came to a point in my life that I will live a life alone with God by my side because I trust Him enough to know from past experience that in His own timing, He will bring the people into our life that we Need according to Him and not by our own selfish desires.
One of the things we learn in al anon, is that we have no control over anyone but ourselves. You can't control their thoughts, feelings, or actions. So I guess you can't get them to accept your A, unless they wish to.
Personally I believe if my family can't help, I don't share with them. I feel if they are not part of the solution, they're part of the problem. So I choose to share my feelings, etc. with Al anon for they are people who won't judge me. They are people who have empathy, not sympathy. They walk in my shoes, feel what I feel, and will accept me, & my decisions.
If I had a member in my family I felt was worth sharing, well, I would empower them with knowledge, information. Still I know I can't make them feel, or accept.
As far as my family, well, we talk about the weather, the kids, the dogs, sales, etc. They don't know of my business with my spouses disease for I don't think they can truly help me. For of course they can't help him, he can only do that. If any situation arises where they are negative, that's when I use the following:
*I do not wish to talk about it.
*I heard what you said. I only need to hear it once. You have the right to disagree with me, but it is my decision.
*I gotta go & use the bathroom
*My phone battery is dying, gotta go.
Glad you are here, stay here, & come back.
-- Edited by De Anna at 11:02, 2005-04-13
__________________
Come back when you need us, come back, we need you.
Your friend, ~De Anna~ 8-D
