The material presented
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Why is it that I get to a point of feeling great about me and my recovery and then I so easily get sucked into the feeling out of control. My home is my life as I am blessed to stay home and raise my beautiful kids. So I feel invaded I guess you could say why my AH brings this disease home. What I mean by that is he brings his so called friends home and he did have his party this weekend when I had asked him several times not to as I am not recovering well from the dental surgery I had, so I haven't been able to concentrate on me and my kids and home as much lately. (so sick) So any how the house was not as I like it for guests and I just didn't have the energy or feel like entertaining. I did no house work or preperation as he reminded me that his party was to start at about 5:30 and that was at 5:00. GRRRR Any way it was a long night and there were so many things that "Got" to me not worth mentioning but I just felt like I wanted to scream "this is not fair to me" I know I am the wife and I have this ROLE I have to fill as the big BOSS HOGGS wife. I guess I just wanted a break for a bit from the entertaining people thing that I always have to do. I don't think that a few weekends off is to much to ask!!! Since we bought this new house (which I love) in November we have had company almost every weekend!! Ouch!! I'm done for a while!!!!!!
My husband owns his own business with his sisters and as a part of the way he does business is in the bar allllll the time and he is pretty much not home and between his family and mine and all the caose I hit my bottom just before Christmas. My AH has gotten by far sicker in the last 6 months than I have ever seen in all the years that I have know him or been with him infact. Known him for 17 yrs and together 10 yrs. His sister is my best friend and the reason we are together. Any way I have found myself questioning how much am I capable of dealing with and it is hard for me lately as the disease is taking such an ugly grip. I have let go to a point of which I think I am doing good except when it is in front of me. This part is hard and the truth hurts sooo much. What I am finding is that the more I do let go the more he is willing to go. Does this make sence to any one. Because I am not getting angry he all of a sudden thinks I am a wonderful wife that lets him do what ever he wants to do with no reguard to his family... Which is just making me further question my families well being.
The company is his emabeler as his financial provider for his drinking with no consequences of a financial responsibility, so I am lucky that i have never had to worry about how much money he spends and I am totally greatful for that but I sometimes wish that he couldn't put his going out all the time on the company so he couldn't go out all the time... I know that it wouldn't make a difference and he would do what he does any how but you know wishfull thinking....
There is more that I have to get off my chest! His Aunts (Family) have decuided that they are having a family reunion at our house this summer and not one of them have considered to ask me if it is ok. I apparently have to have this party but yet have no clue as to when it is supposed to be. GRRRRR So I am po'd about this!!! We don't even have any grass yet and I just don't want it to be here, not right now. Can you see me as the door matt??? I sure do! But as you can see I don't seem to have a choice.
I know I will get a grip on everything in time. I will keep my chin up and work my program. I am just a bit frustrated.
While I was reading your post, all I could think about was the time several years back...I was working a full time job, coming home and doing the housework and laundry, etc. Kids were supposed to have their own chores to do, but they wouldn't do them without being constantly reminded. Hubby would come home and just sit and drink and watch TV. (Well to be fair, he did cook most of the dinners.) Anyway, I can't remember what set it off, but I just lost it one night...I yelled how tired I was of working all day and then having to do everything for everyone else and I never got weekends off because thats when I had to catch up on laundry and errands and I had just had it!!! I was going on Strike!!! They could clean their own darn clothes! They could clean the darn house!! They could fix their own food!! I was on Strike and wasn't going to do a darn thing all weekend!! Hubby's jaw nearly hit the floor. LOL I must have looked like a raving lunatic. LOL But he gently replied, "Honey, why don't you go in and take a nice hot bubble bath and relax a while?" Which I did. And by golly, everyone else jumped up and started taking care of things.
We all deserve relaxation time. Even, especially, stay at home moms. That is a 24/7 job being a mom. Contrary to popular belief, we do NOT sit around all day watching soap operas and eating Bon-Bons. Many is the time when I was a stay at home mom that I wished I was back at work. Work was easy. You start at 8 and at 5 you can leave the job behind and just go home to relax.
I'm at a point in my life where if I don't want company over, I just say so. My brother was just here for the weekend. His son was in a play at the high school here, and he wanted to stay here while he visited with his son. Fine with me that he come sleep on my couch rather than pay for a hotel room. What wasn't fine was him expecting me to drop whatever plans I had to entertain him or go with him to the play, etc. I had tax stuff to get together, other things I needed to do. I did what I had to do, and frankly I don't really care if he liked it or not. I was going out the door to get some dinner items from the grocery store and he says "better hurry if you want to get to the play...gotta leave by 5:30." Well, don't know what he was thinking, but it was already 4 and I was making stew for dinner and I wasn't about to leave the kids with no dinner to go to a play. Took my time at the grocery store, ran the other errand I had to do, got home, and he had left already. Fine with me. Ya know, its one thing if I invite someone over for a visit. Then yes, I should play hostess. I invited them after all. I just don't feel obligated to drop everything and play hostess to someone who I didn't invite over for a social visit.
The Aunts you speak of kinda remind me of my sister. She feels she can just show up unannounced at mom's and spend the weekend. Just amazes me that she can't see that it is only common courtesy to ASK first if that would be a convenient time to visit, would it be okay to visit. I mean, gee, what if mom had other company already? What if mom was going out of town? What if mom was just tired and wanted a quiet weekend to herself? She is entitled to that. I live 5 minutes away and call before going over. (Sis lives 4 hours away.)
I feel for you JJ. It's really hard when you just want some quiet, peaceful time and you're not getting any. Maybe going "On Strike" would work for you too, maybe not. I don't know. Just try to take care of you, okay? Luv ya.
Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
My husband was in sales for 11 years of our marriage. Many many of his deals were hammered out over dinner and drinks and bars and drinks and golf and drinks and etc....You get the picture.
He was fired 3 years ago and the company sponsored boozing stopped. Then he just bought liquor and drank at home. So the company being the enabler, while true..........
Hire a maid. They are relatively cheap. When I had to entertain for my husband it was a miserable time and a ton of work for me, while he relaxed and schmoozed.
I finally hired a maid to clean the house and a caterer to run the party.
My AH has gotten by far sicker in the last 6 months than I have ever seen in all the years that I have know him or been with him infact
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. After my husband was fired he started his own company and did well for 2 years. Then we sold our house and he went downhill fast. He was close to dying last year (his legs were swollen, his urine dark brown, he could hardly drink even 1 drink without falling down, he lay on the floor most of the time as he could no longer walk) when by the grace of God I found alanon.
Please take care of yourself. The kids need you and you need you.
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I know so well that feeling of having no choices. What I used to mean when I said "no choice", was that there was no choice which would end up with everyone liking me and being pleased with me. What you are doing right now is not working. You are tired, unhappy and resentful, and it sounds like no one around you is careful of your feelings or your needs. So, in a way, you're free. Since this isn't working, you really haven't much to lose if you try something else. The idea of a maid, which some others have mentioned, sounds good to me too, because you have said that money is not a problem, and the sheer work you are doing is a big part of what's getting you down. Everyone around you may not be pleased if you do this, but, really, so what? It honestly is not your job to please everyone around you. It's not like you will be upsetting some situation where everyone is happy all the time anyway. Do something different, anyway, of whatever size you can handle. If it doesn't work, you can try something else. You DO have choices. God made you for a reason, but it wasn't just to please other people.
I know this sounds like it's easy for me to say, but believe me, I know how you are feeling. This is something that I must fight against every day of my life. Every time I say "No" to something I don't want to do, every time I don't do a job which some other person has said they will do and then slacked off on, is a triumph for me.
As I was reading your post, something came to mind that I heard from another Alanon member, it is : "No" is a complete sentence."
I don't think you have to apply the NO to your husband and his family, but to yourself. You are allowed bounadaries.
NO, you don't have to prepare the house for your A's parties. Hand him a business card to a maid service and a caterer. His party=his plan. You aren't required to be there. .
NO, you don't have to stay and play hostess to a bunch of A's and clean up after them. Take your kids out for the evening. Perhaps ask your Mom if you could stay with her for the night, find a hotel with a pool, etc. You don't have to enable him or his party.
NO, you don't have to arrange and plan for a family reuninion. Call the Aunt and tell her since it was her idea, she is in total charge of food, clean up and any other arrangements. You wouldn't be out of line by telling her that you would appreciate it if she would O.K. such a large get together with you first. Nor would you be out of line by telling her NO altogether.
If you think it will create a family war not to have the reunion, have your own party and invite family members to a "seed my lawn" party. I can't imagine a bunch of people tracking in dirt from a grassless lawn. If you don't want them there to seed your lawn, tell your A to hire it done. No grass=No party.
For the reunion, you could designate certain family members to be in charge of different jobs, ie: food, organizing, inviting etc. If they don't do it, it's not your fault, they dropped the ball.
The 3 C's can be applied everywhere including parties and reunions. Didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.
Take care of you :)
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 11:30, 2005-04-12
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Learning about Boundaries and setting them, (try to with the active A) at least helped me feel less of that Door Mat Feeling coming on. For me, if "I think" I am being taken advantage of, then I probably am. If "I think" I am being ignored, then I probably am. If "I think" I am being neglected, it is probably true. I am so good at doubting myself (and my own sanity!)
Boundaries took me a lot of practice, and I am getting better at standing up for myself. Progress, not perfection.
I just love readings all these post, and it never ceases to amaze me when I read some posts and think "when did I write that?" lol.
I am a doormat and a former Albertan. I do like the idea about the maid, like you said "money is not a problem", as long as you're not like me, i.e. I wouldn't want the maid to see how messy my house really gets so I'd clean up before the maid got there, lol
Lastly, if I"m not feeling well and my a brings somebody home, I just let them to themselves and I politely excuse myself, saying "I"m not feeling well", and retreat to my room. Who but the a would question that?
Thank you every one for your replys. I would love to get a maid or house keeper but I would do what Bonnie said clean before so what would be the point and I admit that I have done that before the house keeper came and she was darn good to but she has moved to bc maybe bonnie could use her help lol. since she is in your area now....
I realize that I have to look after myself and my kids and setting some more boundaries is something that I have to do. As for the family reunion thing YES I will stand up for myself and have decuided that this Aunt will be doing the organizing and I absolutly will not go out of my way as I find it absolutly rude and inconsiderate of them and when I do bring this up with her I will tell her just how I feel. Like I would in a million years plan a party a someones house with out asking them...heck I would simply never do that!!! Some people!!! The grass thing oh ya I have already said that no grass NO family reunion!!! I might have also thrown in the basement has to be finished too... OMG my emotions are on a roller coaster BIG time!!! The party really did do a number on me and so did tonights meeting.
I don't know if any of you have had this overwhelming feeling of being a horible mother for staying with the active A??? I do!!! I hear or read others stories and think how could I do this to my kids????...Nothing I do can will really protect them from the effects of this disease on them and the emotional effects that they feel or will feel or what this disease has already done to them. How could I have been so nieve to think that I was protecting them. I feel like an awful mom. I know that I no longer let my kids see me be upset be the disease or fight with their dad and this is all good but for me it is not good enough.
I know I am being soo very hard on myself and what I do know for sure is that I am not ready yet... to leave... I have lots of working on me to do and alot of things I am unsure of what I need to do for myself. I am worth everything that I can do to get me to a place where I am sure of me again...If that makes sence to any of you. I have come a long way and see this but I still feel so lost it is weird.... I guess I could explain it as being on this path and it comes to a cross section and I feel lost and not sure of what way I should go...This is something that I think I am meant to do as a part of self discovery and my HP wants me to figure it out all on my own. I have a feeling that this talk I have been afraid of having with my husband will help me out, I am not avoiding it just waiting for sober time.
If you lay yourself down, they will walk on you. I like Christy's reply, then again, they're all good.
As far as the visiting family: take control of your own house:
*State that the party is a wonderful idea, however, you haven't decided if or when you want to have it at your house. If you really don't want it, say "No", or "not now"
*State you'll have the party, but YOU decide when, this summer, next, it's up to you. Or you can say a party after lawn is in & basement done! It'll give you time to plant grass seed, or whatever. This way you're not saying no, but the when gives you your power back of your own possessions.
*Put them to work! Tell them it's a bring your own food, chairs, drinks. Your donation is the clean up. Hire a maid for the clean up afterwards.
Thank you for the support! Enough of me being in the dumps and get back to ME!!! Take care of me and the kids! Tomorrow is a new day one of which I can make better!!!
