The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week a friend of mine (I do still have a few) had the most alarming news that her husband has leukemia. I've had a long long history with this friend of being in the Karpmans triangle all the time. We both worked at a really horrible dysfunctional office (needless to say our responses to that situation were equally dysfunctional). I have a long long history with my friend of commiserating, feeling powerless and really honestly acting pretty ineffectively.
My friend has a step daughter who is the focus of her father's life she's 30 going on 2, married, financially stable and all that but he has to talk to her for 2 hours a day to get her to be that way! She doesn't have a substance abuse problem but everyone treads on eggshells aroudn her and now this! My freinds almost entire focus is now on how she is going to cope with her step daughter's over reaction to the news which of course no one is giving her because they know it will be "all about her".
Normally I would spend a lot of time talking about how bad this step daughter is and how she "should" now radically transform herself to be "there" for her father. That's my friends irrational hope. I've definitely been there with the false hope all my life on what everyone else but me needs to do to change.
After a few years of al anon I no longer do that dance of "poor me, poor you" by heart. Indeed the step daughter's problems are no longer even on the horizon for me. I've urged my friend to get into a caregiver group, to get support for herself to seek other help get support, get information, hold back from presuming anything abou ther husband's diagnosis.
All those years I was a codependent I spent hours listening to my friends complain on the phone. I've heard the saga of this step daughter a million times for example and always been hooked in till now. I must say sometimes it is addictive to hear how selfish, manipulative and coniving she is. Now I'm finally at a place where what interests me is my friends welfare. I have few resources to do anything much (not that she needs financial support) but I do have al anon to guide me and pin point focusing on the problem step daugher isn't going to help at all. So al anon has gone far beyond saving me now I get to really be there rather than think I'm there for my friends.
I have rethought the whole deal of relating to friends. I can listen for awhile and the program words come out of my mouth much more than advice now a days. Plus I don't take all of their emotions on because it is more about what they think they should do or not do...... I am not invested in it all the same way.
I also have learned how important it is just to have our pain heard and acknowledged plus empathy. I hear ya, I get it, that is a bummer. It is good to feel like we've learned more what we need and also learned how to be there the best way for our friend too.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I totally agree w/u Maresie. In addition, I actually feel like I am a better friend TO MYSELF. No wonder I always felt so abandoned and lonely- I used to abandon MYSELF!!! I did not love myself and I scooted OUT on myself time and time again! I do not do that anymore, I stay close to myself and soothe myself and stuff just moves on through and out the door as quickly as possible.
