The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need a little help on boundaries. Could someone further explain this? Or tell me if the following would apply. I am not sure of this.
I don't have too many things to set boundaries for because he brings home the $; stays home; helps out; is respectful; isn't abusive. He does however drink too much & pass out when we're suppose to be watching a movie, or spending time together.
Could I set boundaries like if he drinks, smells of alcohol, (which bothers me) that he'd have to sleep on the couch?
Or if we plan to spend the evening together & he drinks, can I say forget it? as a boundary?
__________________
Come back when you need us, come back, we need you.
Your friend, ~De Anna~ 8-D
ok these are my thoughts right or wrong, who knows.
Ok alcoholism is a disease. Would I have him sleep on the couch if he had diabetes and had a hypoglycemia attack?
I mean to me, to ask my husband to go to the couch sounds like punishment to me. How would I feel if he asked me to sleep on the couch? For me I would feel hurt and unwanted.
Again he has a disease, he is sick and slowly killing himself with alcohol.
As far as him passing out, the drug is first, a symptom of the disease. I mean by now it would seem it would be the natural thing to happen.
For me I accept people as is. Including my husband. But for me, I choose not to live with him. I tried so many times. But my boundaries are I don't say anything about his using. It is none of my business.
I set my life up financially, shelter, vehicle for me. My boundary is more to take care of me. Leaving his life to him.
If he were here, I expect nothing. He always fell asleep, he fell asleep when we went to the movies and once let out a BIG snore. I just love him. I see a very sick man who is super hard on himself, feels guilt like no one I have ever known. If I spend time with him, I choose the serenity prayer, accept what I cannot change I cannot change that he uses, change what I can, take care of me, and figure out the difference.
I can only control me, I can only change me. I felt all the things you are feeling. I was hurt when he fell asleep. But in time I saw it had nothing to do with me. Learned not to take anything personal anymore.
It was the disease talking if he said mean things. If he got mean physically then that was a boundary, he went out the door immediately. It is not a symptom of being an addict, it is a symptom of him being horribly abused as a child.
Anyway I hope I have helped in some way. much love,debilyn
Boundaries are for you and no one else,as for sleeping on the couch well have u tried to tell a practicing A anything lately ??? If the smell bothers you perhaps go to a second bedroom or u sleep on the couch, we still cant change other people. I was so whacked when I got here hubby would pass out in living room and i would spend hrs waking him up to go to bed so he could get a good nites sleep, then when i wnt to bed later i would get mad cause our bedroom smelled like a bar. sheeeeeesh I learned to leave him on the couch and I went to bed .
When people step on your boundaries and they will it 's up to u to keep them has nothing to do with them. Go to the back of one of our daily readers and look up boundaries read all u can and find a page u can work, it will get easier the longer u practice what your learning.
I don't have many boundaries but one is I absolutly will not have sex when he has been drinking and I will not budge on that. Another is for him not to bring his friends to our house because they are roudy and loud and we have kids.
The sleeping on the couch thing... Well I never have told him to go to the couch but instead will stay up and he will sit with me and pass out and I ALWAYS leave him where he passes out, be it the couch or floor or where ever.
Setting boundaries I find for me is a touchy subject because my A does not like to be "told" what to do. Its more like I would like it if you would please not bring your friends home or I would like it if you please would not bother me for sex as I don't enjoy it as much because frankly you are no cassa nova intoxicated.
I make sure I say"I" not "You". But I am working on the positive way to approach this as our children get older I realize that I have to initiate more boundaries.
I agree pretty much with what everyone else said. Our situation was different, my husband is verbally abusive, spent all the money, made use messes and worste of all was a constant drunk driver and was always trying to put our kids in the car with him when drinking.
I had no choice but to take over the money, stop cleaning up after him. (He is worse than the messiest child, no one could keep up with his messes.) I also had to tell the kids never to get in the car with him unless first talking to me. As far as sleeping on the couch, we have a baby who is in hte room with us. When he is drunk the room stinks and I hate the smell, and he wakes up all night and does things like trying to grab the baby, if the baby cries he freaks out. So when he was drinking, the baby and I moved out onto the couch or to one of hte kids rooms, if was safer and smelled better.
thank you to all that replied. I have learned something valueable from each one of you. You truly have helped me. I also read the daily lit books, but never thought of looking up in the back, boundaries. Good idea.
__________________
Come back when you need us, come back, we need you.
Your friend, ~De Anna~ 8-D
I can appreciate this question, because I have been struggling with the same issue regarding asking my A to sleep on the couch or in the spare bedroom if he is staggering drunk.
My feelings were that if I asked him to do this on occasion, he would feel more pain and abandonment than he already feels, and I did not want to contribute to that. However, I think it comes down to whether his sleeping in bed with me while very intoxicated is in some way seriously affecting me, above just being an annoyance to me.
The answer for my situation is that I do ask him to sleep in the other room or on the couch when he is very intoxicated because it affects my ability to obtain restorative sleep (this sleep is very necessary because I have been diagnosed with chronic pain syndrome after a car accident, and if I don't sleep well I have incapacitating migrane headaches). Additionally, if I have to be in court to represent a client, I must sleep well or I will likely not be up to my best in the courtroom. And I can't have my clients getting less than acceptable representation because I have an A at home who wants to sleep in my bed when extremely intoxicated.
To be frank, he also likes to "paw" at me when drunk, and I do not like having intimate relations when he is that drunk. I can relate to the smell of alcohol in the bedroom - it has begun to make me feel sick - whatever that smell is. I consider that more of an annoyance, though.
A great book on boundaries is "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine, M.A. It helps explain how to recognize boundary violations and how to respond to them.
This book helped me realize that one person's boundaries can be different than another person's boundaries, and ultimately, we need to make up our own minds as to where to draw the line.
Yes, those were my exact boundaries. If you wreak (smell), then forget it! If you blow our together time, then I go to plan B, and do my own thing. Stuff like that--to take care of me, and make me feel good about myself. Knowing a sense of what I would allow and would NOT allow, helped me a lot!
