The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The disease has really taken control - at least many cancers are curable or fought into remission. AH does nothing but drink around the clock, and doesn't seem to think that's wrong. As long as I don't confront him, any words we exchange are about the weather or 'look how cute the dog/cat is'. If I dare even reference his drinking, he becomes surly and mean spirited. Not threatening (please don't worry about that!) just darn nasty. There's lots of eye rolling, and deliberately hurtful side remarks. I ignore all of it, knowing it's the disease, but also knowing that there is almost nothing left of an almost 19 yr marriage. Even if he became sober tomorrow, he has a lot of repair work to do. I don't trust him, don't believe him, don't really love him anymore. I have/am considering divorce but I am sure that I will end up losing a lot of my hard earned paycheck, upfront with savings, and then in support. I'm 46 and think there could be a 2nd life for me out there, but I cannot live with paying this bum any support. The divorce would be becasue of him and his drinking, and I would have to pay?! No ****ing way.
This weekend he barely got out of bed, and only did so to drink. Truth be told, I didn't mind too much, because I spent my tim as I wanted - housework yesterday, and fun, pleasurable, relaxing actvites today.
I am about to give up, and let him go on his own path. That means that I will not even try to get him to participate in anything. I used to try to get him to come outside, play with the dogs, anything. I haven't asked him to do anything for a while. I want him to hit bottom so hard.
I will not do his laundry. I will call him to dinner, and will only cook for him if there are no leftovers in the fridge (there usually are because I like to cook a bunch of something and then eat that) - I don't like to cook, and don't mind eating the same thing for lunch and dinner. I have to force him to do ANYTHING. I talk out the garbage, shop, clean, etc. I am a professional woman making a high 5 figure salary, who is happy with a salad or soup or a can of tuna for every meal - twice in a row, if that's easiest. I'm up by 6:30 am, home around 6 PM, and I'm not done in the evening with chores until 9:00. I'm not a slob, I'm busy and tired by the end of the day.
For his new business, he got all angry when I told him that he'd better get on it with the taxes - he said that he thought that I was doing that!
So, again, for the past 2 days he drinks 24 hrs/day (seriously, he gets up in the middle of the night, drinks and goes back to bed). He sleeps all day. This is also the weekly routine, I'm sure, when I'm at work. He works for maybe 3 hrs/wk for his business earning $45 for the 3 hrs. Drunk the rest of the time, I have no doubt. At one point, he asked me how he hurt his hand - I said 'did you fall? I don't know what goes on here during the day.' He got really quiet. He fell today, while trying to take a leak. Then I had to clean that up. At least he didn't hit his head like last summer when he had to get 14 staples in his scalp. He's been to the ER 3X in the past year. Twice via ambulance, once (the head injury) via me.
So, back to my question. This man does not want to stop drinking. Can I completely let him go, and just make sure the house bills are paid (I must live here too, unless/until I leave him). The $$ he is spending, is not coming from me. he is cashing in what was supposed to be retirement $$. Money that he won in a med. malpractice suit. Money that I never planned on (for some reason, I never trusted it would be there for me for retirement), so $$ that I don't miss, except that he will be a huge burden once that $$ runs out. I know that I will not fund his daily expenses, but what if he needs long term health care? what if he strokes out and needs to be in a home? Because I am his wife,in NYS, I have to exhaust our resurces before I can get assistance, and I do not want to pay anything for this man!
Can I just let him go? Although AH told me not to discuss this with his brother, I am going to give him an update - he is not a stranger to this situation with his brother, he just doesn't know that it's worse than it ever has been. Is that all I'm morally/ethically bound to do? I suppose that I can call his therapist too. I have a fantasy that an 'intervention' might help, but AH would be so pissed, and I know that it won't help anyway, because he doesn't really want to stop.
Whew, time for a breath. I hope I made some sense. I am so done with this. I feel strength from you here, and from a very dear longtime friend from college who is 20 yrs sober. An email from him earlier today brought tears to my eyes.
Many thanks to you all, I read other posts and know that I am not alone. Does it ever get easier?
I am new to this message board. I have found it very helpful and up lifting to my fallen spirits. My problem is my 37 year old ADaughter.
My heart goes out to you; you have your plate full and more!!! All I can say is keep coming back. Find an Al-Anon group and get a sponsor. That is what I did; I called my sponsor twice today.
Hang in there. Hugs to you.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Thanks Clara! I read some of your posts about your daughter. Since you brought her into this world. I can't imagine the pain for you having to go through this! You choose a spouse, you don't choose a child.
Yes, I will keep coming back here. I fell the comfort and the strength from this group.
Hi. I can't offer you any answers, I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you that you wrote my story. I am walking in your shoes too. It's hard, isn't it? My AH doesn't drink all day, but drinks very heavy at night and I experience the same things you do.
I have 3 kids and it has gotten to the point where they want nothing to do with him. They hate hanging out with him b/c even when he is so sober he is mean, rude, obnoxious and a pain in the butt.
I have thought of leaving, but then the kids would suffer even more b/c since he would take them every other weekend they would have to put with him. At least with me around, I can intervene when necessary.
I will say a prayer for you tonights...in the mean time, i send you lots of hugs!!!!!
Hi Deserves More. I like your Name You are so right you do deserve more and the tools of alanon will be open the door to a new view of life and how to live it. I know right now you cannot see an answer and your projecting into the future will only cause you more anxiety.
Try attending alanon face to face meetings, get a sponser and work the steps. Keep coming here and sharing. You are not alone and there is a solution. The program suggests you make no major life changes for the first 6 Months. That is about the amount of time it takes to ge a little clarity on the situation and explore available options.
Plese try the program. Miracles happen every day here.o
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 24th of March 2009 08:50:43 AM
I like Betty/hotrod's advice about waiting for 6 months. (well, the other advice too, but the emotional overload that I have right now is clouding clear sight.) I do need to clear my head, although this has been going on for 10 years. It is just that recently the straw has broken the camel's back.
He was up at 5:30 AM in his closet, at his secret stash, and then back to bed. By the time I had gotten home from work, he had left a glass with red wine residue in the dishwasher, and with red wine dribbles down the door. But 'he hasn't had red wine in months'. Amazing.
I'm also walking in your shoes - having to constantly just take a deep breath and let go. I have days where I'm fed up and ready to just chuck the whole thing out the window - yet something holds me back.
In the past, it's been fear holding me back - at this point, there's still some fear there (I still have an 8 year old at home to consider) but I can't help but think that my HP is telling me to be still, keep working on me until the solution becomes crystal clear.
Until that moment of clarity, all I can do is pray for the guidance to do the next right thing. Lots of times, that entails coming here to this board, reading my literature and getting myself to a meeting. This program really does work if you work it - it has helped me for sure.
