The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess I just introduce myself. I'm a 55 yr old woman, married for 34 years to the same man. six kids, plus some fosters.
You can imagine this man is quite wonderful, really. There isn't anything he won't do for others. He was a wonderful father and a very good husband, in his way. He provided for us and always will......
That is, if he doesn't end up in jail for DUIs. Hubby always loved to drink- loved to go out with his co-workers after work. When the babies were little- is when he began to do this. He is a very very passive person, will NOT ever confront nor even admit anything is ever WRONG.
Everything is fine.. he says. God is so great- god loves me and is in control.. he tells everyone.
But he drinks! He's a highly functional A. He drinks every third night. He tells me I get into such great conversations at the bar!!! HA. I've gone and seen him- and past 10:30, he's pretty much alone, just sitting there, drinking.....
He got ONE DUI last year. They let him off very easy. And he had to go to AA for a year. I wonder what he said or did there cause he kept on going to the bar every 3rd night!!!! In spite of NO drinking being part of his "parole" court order.
So, you can imagine my disgust. The fact that he throws God into it all is what is the last straw for me.
His major complaint right now is that I don't "chase him around" or give him any sex!!!! I am not even LIKING this man much lately- much less pursue him to "make love??" I told him- so you want sex- fine, come get it. He complains he wants "more than just sex".
SO you see the viscious circle..... the more years he drinks and the bigger liar he becomes- the less I like him or respect him at all.
The sad part is he is SO DARN NICE. I do not want to break up. But somedays- I think if I had money- I'd leave him!!!!! Cause I get so disgusted when he drinks and it's only a matter of time before the hammer falls and we begin more trouble with the courts. Like what if he gets into an accident and kills someone????????????
Well, Thanks for letting me join you all here and I will have somewhere to dump and someone to talk to.
Welcome to MIP. You'll find here many people who have been through the same situations you're facing, who are willing to share their experience, strength and hope (ESH) with the belief it will help someone else. And it does. I'm 48, with 3 kids under 10. I left my AH 2-1/2 years ago. I remember after his first DUI, when he had to attend a court-ordered Alcohol Counseling program, he would stop at the liquor store as soon as the class was over. He hadn't hit his bottom yet, I was just getting in the way of that happening.
In AlAlon we learn the 3 C's about our qualifier's disease: We didn't CAUSE it, we can't CONTROL it and we can't CURE it. With the help of Al Anon tools, we learn to take the focus of the alcoholic and put it back on ourselves. If you can, try to get to a face-to-face meeting.
Please, take care of you - you're worth it. Keep coming back.
"He's sooo Darn Nice"...and he's alcoholic. He's a good provider, father, grand-father and husband (kina - sorta now huh?)...and he's alcoholic. It's good that you can see both the good and the ill because that is the reality of alcoholism...it's a disease, not a moral issue. He isn't bad, he's sick and the disease is making you sick also. It (the disease) touches everyone it comes into contact with. It is cunning, powerful and baffling. Though I have many years in program and am no longer a paid for alcoholism and substance abuse counselor the disease has not lost it's nature. It works it's drama inspite of what stands in it's way. Your alcoholic has awarenesses including an awareness of a God with a God's power and still the disease works it's magic. Your alcoholic's compulsion to drink...when ever...every third day (that sooo reminds me of my alcoholic wife...Wednesday and a with a code..."lets go dancing") doesn't not describe an alcoholic. That he has a compulsion to drink and no barrier against it is the picture.
It is good that the disease has caused you to stop and reach out to others who share your story either in part or whole. It is good that you have found MIP and that there are some here who will suggest that you contact the Al-Anon Family Groups in the white pages of your telephone book. Al-Anon was started by the wives of the founders of AA. These women were Lois W and Anne S. They too had their story and would have understood your's perfectly.
Go to your phone book and look up the number and call it to get the meeting times and places that already have a chair waiting for you and tons of literature for you to read to learn about this life threatening disease and you. Listen and read with an open mind. Learn the steps, traditions, slogans and look for support from others especially those who have positive assets you relate to. This program will save your sanity, spirit and life it you let (work) it.
I am new here, so I can't offer much advice. But I can say that I HEAR YOU! While my situation is different, it is the same problem underneath.
Don't let his niceness lure you into being an enabler - that will not help either of you. They will use the sex card against you, and any other mean tricks when they feel cornered.
You can come to the right place to share and to learn. Others will give you advice, I'm still beginning to learn.
Grandma Deb, I too am new to this message board and also new to the misery this disease will casue.
I had to refuse my 37 year old daughter the comfort of my house today. I turned her down. This has been the hardest day of my life. Rivers of tears.
I got some very comforting words from some of the same people who responded to your post. This is a good place. Find a place where they have Al-Anon meetings. I have been attending and now have a sponsor. I called her twice today, plus coming here.
My heart is going out to you. Hang in there and get help for your self and perhaps it will in turn help your hubby. Come back here when you need to.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
"He's so darned nice." That sentence describes my alcoholic to a tee. I DO have the money, and I am still with him. I am no masochist, and I am no codependent. I am with him because he is a nice guy, and I like having him around. When he binges, which is once every six months or so, he makes himself scarce. He comes home once he has himself back together, and our lives together resume. Works for me.
No use beating yourself on the head for something over which you have no control. Begin to live you life about what makes Deb happy. The reality of alcoholism is that we cannot change it or control it. And we sure as hell didn't cause it!! DOn't get yourself mired in guilt. If you do not want to break up, then familiarize yourself with the concept of alcoholism, accept it for what it is, and don't let it break your spirit.
I wish you every good thing, Grandma Deb. COme back often. There are so many people here who care.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata