The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I noticed that this weekend I have been somewhat distant from my program and HP (of course I have a tendancy to be a perfectionist in everything I do-Imagine that!:)) Part I'm sure has been because I didn't make my Friday night home meeting, part from not feeling well, and part I'm sure due to recent contact after a long break, with EXABF.
I did however set a boundary concerning my son, and spoke with my son very directly about it, and that made me feel good. I also realized that there were expectations on my part concerning our date, but basically those were involving us "talking" as he had said we would. Then again I realized that words can not be trusted often in the world of A'ism, that I have to learn that actions are what I am going to believe in. After EXABF told me more times that I can remember that we could not try again because he did not feel capable and we had to wait until he felt capable.....yesterday he sent me an email that said it wasn't about when he felt ready or capable!!!!!! I was just plain confused, even after he tried to clear it up, but realized that it's not for me to understand at all. He want's to keep things "light" but won't date anyone else til be decide what we are going to do and said that it is going to be based on what feels right and natural as opposed to what doesn't. To me keeping it light is yet another way of him avoiding being serious, which one of my GF's says is a big thing with him as far as she can see. I can understand that all, he is entitled to his thoughts and feelings. But until his actions and his words match I can not offer any form of trust-that is something he will have to earn in time, because I just can't hand it to him no matter how I feel.
I woke up today realizing that I had let my focus slip this weekend and needed to re group, which is hard when we don't feel that great, but I am going to try. I have to get out the tool box, focus on me and trust my HP and His will for me. I know He will lead where I should follow, sick or well, and I have to follow with an open trusting heart and remember to Keep it simple......
ps-I had changed my display name, wanting to start fresh so to speak, and then went back and reread all my old posts, and realized that is where I came from, part of who I am and something I can look at and see how far I've come and I don't want to give that up...
Keeping it simple shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Shelly123 thanks for replying to my post I think we are in a very similar situation. I love my AB but I am tired of waiting for the love I deserve. I/he have tried keeping contact just by phone, we have tried seeing each other once a week, we have tried everything. It not about love its about two sick people trying to have a relationship. I believe you have to be healthy , know your self be o.k alone first. This used to be my worst fear. But now my worst fear is staying in this relationship for the rest of my life praying for him to love and take care of me. I am going to meet him now I have told him we both need to heal before we can be together and I am going to mean what I say I carnt live like this anymore. Thanks for the tip about the hand I know I will need it. As for your child this is one of my main reasons for coming to this decision my children dont want my A in my life or theres. They said even if I see him casually he still upsets me and I take it out on them plus they hate seeing me upset. When I way it all up I love my AB but I love me and my kids so if he wants to be in my life he needs to sort himself out. I have one life and my sponor said I was not given it to donate to another.
