After 2 + years of sobriety founded out AH is drinking again and maybe cheating too - Al-Anon Family Group

JS · Member

After 2 + years of sobriety founded out AH is drinking again and maybe cheating too

Wittsend · Member

I'm so sorry you have to live through so much.

In a funny way, I'm happy my AH is not gorgeous, it makes it easier to be strong.

Sincerely · Senior Member

I relate to your pain. My husband was sober 3 1/2 years. Had an affair and started drinking again. I don't which happened first, the affair or the drinking, but it was devistating. I found out about the affair first and many months after found out about the drinking. It was a hard hard time for me.

He and I are still together. We have each filed for divorce but have never divorced. Tomorrow he is entering rehab. Things are better, but always hard.

Hugs,
Tonya

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think you need to be strong enough to stand up to him. I think you need to be strong enough to stand up for yourself. You and HP can manage all things that happen (and don't happen), truly. Regardless of what goes down, YOU will be A-OK.

I know it sucks, I can hear a lot of pain in your posts.

Focus on yourself and your needs and follow your bliss.

Clearly, he is following his!

(Super beautiful people have a lot of responsibility and a heavy load to carry and most of them have a very difficult life because of their appearance- in a way they are almost like the ones who are horribly disfigured. Both get a lot of attention and base everything on their appearance. I would never want that karma, believe me- its a real cross to bear.)

Stick to yourself and do good things to keep yourself feeling good and "up". Spend time with people who you feel good to be around. Be with people who love you unconditionally. Don't dwell on him and his games and the innuendo and rumors and gossip, just ax all that and keep your own good counsel- you and HP. Hugs, J.

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

JS wrote:

It is so painful and hurtful and I feel so small and unwanted.

My heart hurts for you.

When my ex-fiance walked out on me almost 10 years ago, I finally hit my codependent bottom.

Once again, I had wrapped up my self-worth, my value, my life in a man, and when he left, I was shattered.

I never thought I would get past the pain.

Today I can look back and see that it took what it took for me to finally get serious about my journey of self-discovery.

Today, at almost age 51 I am enrolled in college full-time and finally completing my degree after raising two daughters by myself for the most part.

I am reasonably happy. I have a wonderful support group through 12 step programs.

I have a wonderful, quirky 'zoo crew' (dogs, cats, and the newest addition of a duckling), and a beautiful 20 year old daughter still at home with me who is an avid horsewoman and has trained her almost 6 year old gelding all by herself.

I have so many blessings in my life today that it would be hard to list them all on paper because I'm sure it would take hours.

I have no significant other in my life, and I am okay with that! I am my best friend.

I know I can't take away your pain, but I will put you in my prayers each evening. (((hugs)))

JS · Member

Hi all -

Thank you for such loving supportive comments!!

Sincerely...sorry you've had to go through all of that. I really know what it feels like. I don't understand why they have the need to cheat. I have kept myself up and always try to look beautiful for him, have said when you are ready to be emotionally available/intimate I will go there with you, but instead they go somewhere else. Don't understand. Of course I could be wrong that he is cheating but he even told me if he drinks he'll most likely cheat. I hope and pray it will get better for both of you in your situation.

Jean4444...you are right he is following his bliss, dam it! I guess it just makes me mad it was my bliss too. He just took it away from me and made it his own. I really wanted to see the world with the man I loved but looks like never going to happen. You are right though I can manage all things with God. I'm just having some issues with God right now, however that's a whole other story. I know it's not God's fault it's just me going through a confusing time and not understanding why it's working out this way. The hard thing is also getting away from hearing things about him. We don't live in a small town by any means but a lot of people know him because of his business. Even when we have gone to Hawaii he always runs into people he knows, so things get back to me. I suppose I will have to move from the area if we divorce cause I can't take hearing who he's dating or going to marry.

tenderheartsks...I'm glad things have worked out okay for you. I suppose they will for me too at some point. It's just hard to see the silverlining right now. I have a motley crew of dogs/cats and a horse as well. Love them all! A duckling??!! That is so cute. I've thought about that because we have a pool, but I think the poop would get everywhere. I had two ducks when I was little...Bill and Ted were there names!

Wittsend..it is hard being married to someone so good looking. When we were young it wasn't... we were crazy about each other and I always felt beautiful with him, he was just so adoring so loving and a wonderful husband in many ways for years. The kind that would leave notes on my computer before I went to work of how much he loved me or put romantic CD's in my car so when I turn on my car a beautiful song was playing, but when I got sick and we didn't have a good sex life, his drinking escalated, he went to fill his needs with other women and everything changed. Funny thing is I'm healthy again, it took three years, but I guess he couldn't wait. Now he says he's changed and most likely can't get those feelings back.

Truth be told...he just doens't want to work on it, cause i know those feelings could come back. He's just enjoying his selfish playboy lifestyle to much. Besides he's going to fast forward destroying his life again with the drinking. He almost did it once before (almost died actually) and I put him through rehab and paid for it. He actually looks to thin to me and I'm pretty sure based on what I found out, it's cause he drinks and doesn't eat much. I know that his problem will probably escalate fast if he keeps drinking at this point, only I'm not going to be there to pick up the pieces this time and I know no one else will.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi JS
I could relate to your share a lot especially the pain. I have loved my AB more than myself for four years I have put up with lots of unacceptable behavior. Affairs, going missing leaving all the responsible crap to me. I loved him so much and wanted it to work more than anything. Before my AB I was married for 17 years to a compulsive gambler. He treated me really well but again he was ill and I tried to fix it all impossible.
STEP ONE we are powerless over others
Lately I am serperated from my AB I realise finally accept I carnt make him better or get him realise he is an A.
So what can I control I can love me, meet my needs myself and stop looking to him for the love I need. The stronger I get and the more I love me the more he chases me its crazy. When I love him chase him he treats me like a doormat when I get healthy and strong he wants me. My sponsor says no one can hurt us unless we let them. I am not letting anyone hurt me anymore. I know how I deserve to be treated and if people dont respect my wishes then they carnt be in my life I would rather be alone and have my self respect and dignity. Something I have noticed is when I respect and love me others do to and if I lay on the floor others will quite happily walk all over me WE ALL HAVE CHOICES.
Your husband may be nice looking what does that matter. When I worry if my A will find someone else I say to myself what would she really be getting someone who can not give reall love and cause her lots of pain. There are many many people out there who are healthy and can have loving realtionships. I plan to heal so I am healthy to have a proper relationship. If HP wishes for me and my ab to be together then he will lead him to recovery but if not he may lead me to a man who can love me how I desire all I know is I am no longer putting up with second best

hope this helps

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha JS...That is sooo discriptive of the enormously killing the disease of alcoholism
is. the disease kills the spirit of the alcoholic and family and friends and associates
that come in contact with the alcoholic. It kills the promises, pacts and agreements
we think we have. It kills our abilities to feel positive emotions and in time in kills
our bodies also.   I can only speak for myself and when I finally came to accept and
believe the definition of alcoholism as we read before every meeting and my spouse
and everything else that was being taught to me I accepted that I was also power-
less over it all and needed to change how I participated with the disease in my own
life. Yes too there were affairs and when I realized that I stopped participating in
sexual contact with my alcoholic spouse to protect myself from contacting any
diseases that could be passed on.  I needed to be soooo teachable and trusting and
able to practice what I was being taught. I still can only do it one day at a time and
boy do I need a Higher Power thru it all. The power to change things for me lays
only on my own responsibility and willingness. Your post is so helpful when I read it
with an open mind and a focus on my personal inventory.

I empathize with where you are at and I recall learning that no matter how lovely
my then alcoholic wife appeared physically, she was only human and being
consumed like me by a life threatening disease.   If you are not yet an active
member of the Al-Anon Family Groups I suggest that you look in the white pages
of your local phone book for Al-Anon's hotline number and call it. You will get the
time and location information to the face to face meetings that are (for me) so very
necessary to supporting and even saving your peace of mind and serenity. Keep
coming back here also.

Your's in love and service and thanks for your share.   (((((hugs))))) smile

JS · Member

Hi Tracy -

I have kind of sensed that in my spirit as well that when I tell him I'm done he is going to be shocked and may start scrambling to get me back, although that's not why I'm doing it. It's funny how that works when we finally do show backbone and love and respect ourselves they want us back.

I'm so scared to do this but I know I have too. I'm think I'm going to tell him I'm done in letter form. I'm not going to say why or that I know he's drinking etc., just let him wonder. He always thinks he has me in his back pocket and that is about to change. I can't do it on the phone I will cave I think when I hear his voice.

Jerry...thank you for your encouragement. I know for me the key is my higher power, just learning to trust him and make him my everything, but it's not easy. I do need to understand the program better. I've been reading the big book off and on to just try and get it. It is a baffling disease and very clever how it affects the alcoholic and family.

Anyway this week I have to deliver the I am done and this is what that will look like message to him, please pray for strength for me. It will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life...but I feel it's time. He doesn't get to have say anymore if the relationship will make it or not, he's had more then enough chances with a loving willing wife to work things out and never tried and now he's making bad choices so time for me to make a decision.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember when I left my AH I thought it was the end of the world. I caved many times upon hearing his voice so I stopped taking his calls. He stole from me when he came to my house so I stopped allowing him over. I think the best thing for me was the fake it til you make it slogan. I put up a brick wall and did not reveal my emotions to him. Eventually the pain faded and now I have been divorced for a year, raising 3 kids alone and have a great non drinking, non drug doing, non cheating, non smoking (lets just say vice free) boyfriend. We can only take so much hurt and we are the only ones who can put a stop to it. For a long time I thought we would wind up back together but I watched his actions rather than listening to his words and eventually I got to the point that I didn't want him anymore. This is the hardest part it will be hard for a while and then it will get easier as long as you set boundaries for yourself and follow them. This I can promise you!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Many alcoholics have a great deal of charisma. I think its out own low self esteem that we feel small around them. If other people are hoodwinked by him let it be. I don't have to save the whole world from alcoholic's anymore. Many of us have had long long relationships with alcoholics. I know I should have left the A I was with years before I did. The issue is now you are looking for help and al anon can certainly provide it. There are tremendous powerful wonderful tools here.

I used to feel hurt by every remark the ex A made and people's reactions around me. I was tremendously enmeshed and totally devastated. Al anon gave me my life back, it gave me a sense of purpose, it gave me a sense of myself, it gave me a focus. I know this place can work miracles. I've seen them. Give al anon a shot. Read as much as you can pariticpate, learn the tools, you'll be suprized where it will take you. All your current unhappiness will eventually flow away and you'll have a new and better life one which your alcoholid even with all his travel and success could not dream of.

Maresie

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