The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
last night was a long long night for me. Started about 2 pm in the afternoon when my abf told me his friend ( one and only friend he has) was comming by. Now I have no problem with his friend nice guy. Well his friend stopped by and picked up some beer and scotch. ( friend does not drink scotch - and knows that I have stopped all money from our account towards alcohol and does not think his friend is an alcoholic). I was mostly in another room for most of the day. He friend left about 7 pm by then my abf had too much to drink and no food. ( since his friend was driving home he did not drink but only 2 beers). Once his friend left he he poured another glass of scotch and another beer. I guess the last 5 hours of drinking was not enough. He drank it in another room because I won't let him drink in the same room. But when I went to go to bed he had taken a shower and poured yet another glass of scotch and yet another beer and brought it to bed with him. I simple told him he needed to remove the alcohol to the other room and sleep on the couch. He thought I was being silly and he would just pour it out and all would be good. I finally stood my ground and said no that was not good enough. You have hurt me again and shown lack or respect for me and are truely not sorry for your behavior anymore.
Now this is where I not sure if I took it to far or not but really don't feel like I did so your get stories must be sinking in.
I told him the following:
he does not love me, respect me or appriciate me I don't want to live with an alcoholic He has personal issues why he destroys all his relationships and uses the a to escape it all
He then said he was messed up from a crappy childhood to a horrible relegion.
I told him then well it is not my job to help him or fix it that was his responsiblity and I would not listen to excuses why he behaves the way he does
I told him I CANNOT help him. I CANNOT fix it. and I WILL NOT live with it.
I told him I am tired of helping him I need to help myself become independend of people like him. I have been a doormat too long and I need to fix this he CANNOT.
He fell apart and said I did not understand but he took his alcohol to the living room and slept on the couch.
this am I felt kinda good not like I have before I felt independent and I also feel like I am loosing someone I love more than anything but I think for once I love me more this time wow feels good to say it.
There is a great song by Jewel ( country artist) that I have decided when I feel about me or not so strong I turn on and wow what a boost - song is called stronger women in me.
I will keep you posted but thought I would share told you was a long night but I think will be the most important night in my life for now.
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
Sounds to me like you did awesome, and honored yourself throughout....
Try to look at it this way... you were losing him, regardless (to alcoholism). You're making a firm stand of what is acceptable, and what is not.... He has the ability and right to choose & abide by your rules, or not.... It might help him get better, and it might not - only time will tell.... What is DOES do, however, is gives you the ability to start getting yourself better, regardless of what he decides to do....
All good stuff...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I thought about saying all over again due to the fact that I sometimes think I should have waited due to he had been drinking so much and how much does he really remember or did he believe me.
I am going to stand by what I said last night and feel I can say it again I have been calling it my practice run. LOL
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
Yes, consider it a practice run. You may as well have been talking to the wall.
I think you did great FEELING your power, knowing that you do have choices for your life! Now, comes following through with what you said. This is the part that was hardest for me, I lived for years making threats and never following through. I actually loved it when he fell apart crying, begging me to understand him. I felt compassionate towards him and that made me feel like I was superior, even powerful, and like I could now fix everything. Let the lecturing begin!!! All would be well for a few days or weeks. Then, the pattern began again.
In the end, he could never give up his compulsion to drink and our 26 year marriage came to an end. I never thought I could let go of the marriage, but al-anon helped me feel my power in the same way that you describe. It was a relief to admit powerlessness and begin to TRUST in a power greater than myself, and greater than the disease of alcoholism. I'm glad you are here.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think it takes tremendous effort to keep up those boundaries. In Al anon we have a lot of sayings that help us through. I'm glad you are feeling more confident.
Sounds to me like you set some boundaries and stuck to them - great job! That took a lot of courage to do. Very proud of you :)
Seeing you and others do this helps me gather my courage to start setting and communicating my own boundaries - pretty scary stuff, for me, but further proof that this program works if you work it.
