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I'm piggy backing off my last post Boundaries and Expectations. I'm up the creek again. I seen the recovering A this morning coincidentally. He avoided calling and texting yesterday. This morning when I confronted him, he told me that he is starting to care too much and has to slow things down. WTF?? I am feeling confused and manipulated again. I am getting tired of this dance of NoN-Intimacy. He claims that he is afraid to get hurt....but yet I am the one who is getting hurt. He says he tried to call his sponsor this morning to talk and he is currently at a meeting. Am I wasting my time here or what? I am not into setting myself up anymore. I am feeling alot of anger because I feel like he is playing games (whether he is aware of it or not). I am also feeling hurt because I thought he was my friend. Apparently the only one whose best interest he has at heart is his own. How I wish I could be more like the alcoholic in this way. I need to hear some strong medicine today!! I am afraid that when he comes over later...I will BITE his head off!! LoL! Thanking you in advance for your responses.
17..... That is how many times you said "he" or made reference to him, the alcoholic.....
My sponsor used this tactic on me (I think I was at "37" references to my AW, lol).
Your life will begin to get better, and you can step off that roller coaster somewhat, when you turn your attention back to the one person that you CAN do something about...... YOU.
"He will either drink (or be non-intimate, or be an ass, or whatever) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you. Choose recovery for YOU.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Can you be busy later. Do you have a lot going on in your life?
If you are incredibly busy working a program, attending meetings, going to meet people who are in a program no one can presume they can come over later.
Of course you may be like many codepedents and have your whole life revolve around "him". The way out is to stop doing it. Stop obsessing, stop giving 24/7 attention to "him" and get incredibly incredibly busy.
I never ever wanted to do that but when I did my life got immeasurably better. Now if I meet someone, a) I am not that available b) when they call, when they text, when they pay attention to me isn't the sole issue in my life anymore and b) I am focused on taking care of me rather than trying to get someone else to do that. Be warned it is very very very hard work to take care of oneself if you have never done it before.
I can see so many red flags here it looks like China Sorry to say this but I think you should seriously consider getting off this particular rollercoaster while you can. I recall you saying it was a new relationship, I know you hoped for more, and considerd him a friend. He has hooked you in and it is not looking good. Work your steps, go back to step one......., have got a sponser you can call? Go to a f2f rather than waiting on him. Just my ES&H. Take what you like and leave the rest
Take care of Yourself and keep the focus on You.
Carol
-- Edited by Mariner on Friday 20th of March 2009 12:13:00 PM
Yup, yup! I am keeping the focus on me. I went to a f2f meeting this morning and I posted here and called my sponsor. I also had a visit from a fellow member....So busy, I am. I am thinking about getting in my car and getting away for the weekend. He said he would talk to me later, but no commitment to time or anything....So...another RED FLAG. I don't want to let him waste another minute of my precious time. I need to be happy and I really don't need this drama in my life...Its his issues and his drama..so I think I will quietly and politely hand them back to him. I do not need to answer the phone or any other communication from him...He needn't be that important to me...since he hasn't earned that place in my life. I will try to make some plans now for a nice getaway ....Im trying to be good to myself and feel the feelings and let this go. Thanks.
the ex A who I was with always kept me on the back burner!!! I was always to be there at his beck and call but he made no plans with me. Once on my birthday he took one of his friends out then tried to manipulate me into hosting his mother for a barbecue the next day. I did nothing for the barbecue except watch him under cook a burger for her and serve it naked on some dime store bread. Her face was a picture! I kept mine a blank slate.
I always stepped in and it took me so long to stop doing that. I spend years sitting around waiting for me to care and he never did!
SBG, you got back on track and its becoming...nice work. Yeah, its good to face the music and see that he does not possess what you want and deserve and then just quietly walk away- no explanations are needed! I did the same thing earlier this year. I just stopped responding to texts/emails/calls- cold turkey. I don't have to justify anything to anyone when its a newbie relationship- just not working out, real simple. Hugs, J.
Hey Jean4444.....Let's see we went from last Thursday he couldn't get enough of me and was crazy about me. Then on Friday it was, he feels like something is missing when Im not around....Was I just imagining that this meant something special was happening between us? Saturday we end up intimate and he leaves when we're done. I was hurt and let him know it. His response was that he isn't ready to be sleeping over...My REACTION was, I felt used and abused and to tell him that I don't want to see him or talk with him anymore. This week he tells me that he knows he messed up big time and hurt me and didn't mean to. He shows up with the rose...and now Today he tells me that we need to slow things down and he can't promise me anything. I'm really confused and feel like I have had a major game played with my head. I don't even have all the answers for myself right now..(ie..what is this? ..what is really going on here? what do I need to do to take care of me? ..etc.).
He told me to relax and that he isn't going anywhere. He said that he does have feelings for me but that when I told him I didn't want to see him or talk with him anymore it made him feel that I could just dump him like he meant nothing and that this caused him to take three steps back..Hmmm...that is interesting I thought...What does all this really mean? I have no idea. He called me tonight to make sure that I was okay. I have no answers right now and I am tired of sitting with questions and confusion. I need to spend time with my Higher Power, pray and meditate and come to my answers (that I know are in my heart)...I really feel F'd around by all of this...Im asking myself..is this me being too demanding or controlling or am affected by his issues??? I am burnt out. My neighbor came by and gave me a Xanax since I was so upset when I got home this evening. It is just about taken effect and I am going to try to get some sleep. I need feedback from you guys in order to keep my equilibrium. Is it better for me to cut my losses at this point or just take it easy and see how this unfolds?? Im so afraid to get more hurt than I have already been hurt. Is it me...or is it him...?? I can't see straight anymore...Both Literally and Figuratively. Relationships are really an issue I need to come to terms with for myself coz I don't want to keep doing the same thing over and over again. Thanks one and all for your honesty and your support.
You put yourself first- how are you feeling about him? Set aside how he feels about you- what do you think of him? Does he measure up? Yes, it feels really good to be with someone who cannot get enough but that urgency and our deep need for that urgency is often what gets us into trouble quick... yeah, slow it all down, pull away and check in with HP. Take it one day at a time. Keep going to meetings. You are going to be OK either way, you know. hugs, J.
Thanks Jean4444. A recovering friend said something that really struck home with me yesterday. She said to ask myself if what I am doing is coming out of a compulsion or is it coming from a healthy whole place. WoW! Gave me lots to reflect on. For today I need to pull way back. The man was giving very mixed signals and that is why I did the things I did. I know that I don't have all the answers today, but this is another part of my recover where I can grow...I just hate the growing pains. I need to define what its all about for myself and what I want to do about it and with it (in all the situations in my life, not just this one). I guess I am sort of beating myself up mercilessly because I expect myself to be handling this so much better. I am more relaxed this morning and heading to a f2f Al-Anon mtg. I will be good to myself today and be open to the goodness that my Higher Power has for me. Ya know what?? If this guy isn't supposed to be an integral part of my life and I am really turning things over...then I guess I have to trust and believe that HP has something better for me. Im still here 'cuz Im not all there! LOL. I will let you know how it goes. Thanks so much again.
