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I have found that in my new relationship I feel very needy. It's complicated because I work days and he works nights and he still lives with his parents (yes I know I know... he's young...) so that complicates things too. In the past I always rushed into relationships and then we were glued together after. This is no exception it was off to a fast start however he is actually emotionally healthy and not an A or addict so he is patient and waiting for timing to be right to move ahead and I find myself feeling uncomfortable with the slow dragging pace, with not seeing him very often (in reality we see each other as much as possible) and with my gnawing feeling that either A: he's going to instantly fall out of love with me or B: this is never going to progress to what I want it to be.
In reality it's been two months. I feel kind of crazy fairly regularly because I didn't hear from him when I wanted to... I know it's all me, when I see him I can feel the love but it seems like I just need constant validation. So what to do? I have been thinking about this for the past few days. I don't want to drive him away with my insanity. I love him and want to wait for things to progress but I have no patience. I have tried to think of ways to busy my mind to stop the obsessing (even when I'm doing something else I'm thinking about him). I'm about to start a second job again over the summer and then go back to school for my masters in october. I'm hoping that over time the craziness will wear off, when I feel secure that this will last, when I see the actions that he takes and choices that he makes regarding this relationship. Anyway, I just wanted to share this because it's been eating me up lately. Why am I so insecure? Needing of validation? What can I do to get my mind back on me (I'm trying but it's hard) and less on him?
When I was dating it was easy I always had a plan B, I didn't really care if they showed or not because I would just as easily go out alone and I was fine with being alone. Now that I'm in a regular relationship I'm not feeling that way anymore. I hate feeling this needy. Some days I totally freak out - he didn't call - he will just let me slip away - he's losing interest... Other days I'm ok but still needy just not crazy needy. I feel like I opened my heart up and before it was closed off and I'm afraid to back it off because I would have to change the level of intimacy and close off part of my heart again.
It sounds like you are trying to put this guy on the pedestal and he refuses to go. He doesn't want to be your HP. He wants to be your BF. You can love him, and like him and have feelings for him and he doesn't have to be the be all end all.
And what exactly would happen if he didn't call? If he never called again? Would your world stop turning? I heard a great bit of dialogue the other night on a TV drama...The husband said to the wife that the sexiest thing in the world is a confident woman. I believe that is true.
Any neediness I see in a man is a huge red flag at this point in my life. We all have moments of insecurity, neediness. I guess I want to get to a place within myself that no one, not a man, not my kids, not my mother... can rock my belief in myself. I'm working on it.
What if? What if? Girrrrrrrrrl, you're going to what if yourself in to a tizzy. Seems all I'm doing lately is saying "stay in the NOW".
Maybe it's time to quit trying to busy your mind and instead feed your spirit, the "I Am" inside of you. You have risen from the depths of darkness so I know how strong you are. YOU just don't know it!!
How about quit allowing the old tapes to play in your head? Flip it over and start with who you really are, not who your mind wants you to think you are. Mind and spirit are two very different things. Get quiet and go deep ((CG)). Fears are mind created.
The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wronglyyou usually don't use it at all. It uses you.
much love, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Seeing it is something. I'm actually grateful that the men I've dated have not turned out that great! I have turned my life over to others so often! The ex A is the last!
I'm trying to get to a place where being single will be okay.
Personally I'm not sure I would envision a future with someone who had not left home yet. Maturity is one thing, life experience is another. Leaving home is a huge undertaking. I had a relationship once with a man much younger who left home to be "with" me. The illusion was far far better than the reality.
More than anything in a romantic relationship, reality is not exactly my forte, I can contort any relationship to make it look good. After al I held onto the ex A for years way beyond his being functional. For me even a friendship has to be low key, no fantasies of best friends for ever, no illusions of being "soul mates", not even a notion of "best friends" let alone being intimate with anyone. Maybe you can check your expectations after all a good relationship after a disaster is a lot, a phenomenal change, a very tangible huge accomplishment. A lifetime mate is a long long shot for anyone at any time let alone after leaving an alcoholic who has caused total disaster.
Being busy is a huge help to me if it is stressful in its own way. I have no abilty to make someone the absolute focus right now. I'm just far too busy to do that but I'm also aware, day in day out what my prior decisions in relationships cost me and my dogs as well as the cat and my credit and my emotional and physical health and I'm determined, absolutely committed to never going there again under any circumstances .
In reading some program books, I came across a passage that talked about how attention and love get mixed up. I used to think that if I was not getting enough attention from a lover, I was not getting enough love from them OR that they did not love me very much. Now, I can see how totally insane that was...I am not a child, I do not need to be "tended" as a matter of fact, I am pretty independent and I have lots of things I like to do on my own. I do not need a ton of attention anymore. I do need love. I can see that the attention piece is my own inside job- if I need attention, that means I need to get busy doing something for ME. People love me, lots of people do. Just because they are not hanging on my every word, calling me, texting me, emailing me, etc. does not mean they do not love me. I may not hear from my new lover for a week and you know what? That is OK. I know he is busy. So am I. Its OK. We will connect at some point and I have faith that we will. I am not going to catastrophize that he is leaving me, I simply do not do that anymore. I have absolutely no evidence of that and like Seren says: so what if he does? So be it, I have no control over him leaving me. I will cross that bridge IF and when I come to it. Not now.
You are NOT a child that needs constant reassurance, I know you better. Get busy, get to meetings, go do your thing and I like what Seren said the best: He is your BF not your HP. Yeah, he does sound healthy. He is refusing to play the HP game with you- he refuses to be an HP to you. Sounds like a keeper. Hugs, J.
It sounds like your emotions are managing you instead of you managing your emotions. I know for myself, when I start needing and wanting and feeling like i will just drown if i don't get intimacy from others, i am actually seeking in other what only my HP can give me. Once I realize it, which takes some time, I jump back into building a better relationship with HP. And focusing on HP makes everything else seem small.
I'm hoping that over time the craziness will wear off, when I feel secure that this will last, when I see the actions that he takes and choices that he makes regarding this relationship.
Whoaaaaa Nellie! Take a few deep breaths, gal! First of all, all any of us have is the moment right in front of us, no? There are no guarantees in life. I do so much better when I focus on the moment right in front of me, and just do the next right thing.
Now look at the part I put in bold. You're kind of putting the onus on him to 'fix' these crazies you are feeling, aren't you?
When I'm feeling needy, it isn't up to potential future events or the people around me to fix that neediness.
It's an inside job, and I can start work on it right now.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Aloha CG...I hear your person screaming out for change. Nothing changes if nothing changes. For me the mind follows the behavior and not the other way around. I use to hear others say change your thinking and the body will follow but for me the problem was behavior. When I changed my behavior my thinking changed otherwise I was just doing a bunch of stinking thinking; "what ifs" "what if nots". "Why me?" and all kinds of insane stuff. You know that you are behaving needily(?) and thinking the same way...compulsively and addictively and in the same post you mention second job and master's degree. Program suggest that we focus on what is good for us. Could that be the job and degree for you? Think of the picture that reveals that you can't be you and feel whole unless you have another person in the picture also. I was like that and made some very very sad choices for myself because of it including a whole bunch of alcoholic relationships and other sick ones. My wife mentioned to another member the other day that she knows that I love her and also knows that I don't need her and that she could leave here for however long and I would go on with my life. That was the verification I needed to here. I was taught that perception and worked on it and practiced it until I got it. There is not pressure on my wife to be something other than who she is and I love her for exactly that.
It's sounding like you are needing a change real bad.
