The material presented
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I can go into self pity and victimization very very quickly. There is no question for me that the relationship with the ex A left me in a huge amount of debt and to a certain extent "stuck" with what that means. Being resourceful can be an option for me sometimes but only when I stop out of the vicitm mode. For me that means 24/7 not going to feeling sorry for msyelf, obsessing about others, gosspiing about others or even really being that focused on comparing my life to others.
I have to redirect my focus many times a day. Nevertheless the more I foucs on what I can do the better.
I had the same experience... I was very negative & would criticize everything & compare myself to other people and society. I was very caught up in my pain & that didn't help. I went through a time where I had past memories come over me & play like a movie, like ptsd, I imagine. When I first began to "try" to focus on me, it was nearly impossible as I was completely obsessed others & had been for nearly thirty years. To say these were new exercises in thought - it was completely alien to me & focusing on *me* was the most uncomfortable feeling I ever experienced, honestly.
I stuck with it and like you, had to redirect my mind constantly b/c focusing on me was just painful/awkward. I began to do tiny little things (wtvr I could muster) in terms of "being kind & gentle w/ me" b/c again - I was self destructive - I didn't know how. Something like taking a hot bath or eating something indulgent or taking a walk or reading a book I was interested in but merely neglected - little simple stuff. ~ Well, I began to feel better.
I decided to figure out what sel f-love meant, on my quest towards health I looked at other healthy people & began to emulate what they did. I could see what I was doing was not selfish but it was self preservation. And I began to feel bettr still.
Sometimes I would slip & think aobut things that wren't my business. In a few minutes I could get right back into obsessing again but the difference was, i had a miniscule amount of exp w/ focsuing on self & when I'd get the awareness that I was "slipping" I just pull my attention back to me.
To this day - if I focus on my mom (for example) I can be obsessing within 20 minutes and by 24 hrs am depressed & feeling suicidal again. I believe it is b/c it is a hopeless situation wishing for someone else to change. Who am I to say they need to? The only power I have is over myself, my rections & how I handle my emotions. Face it, I don';t even have power over my cats, they come about half of the time whenI call them & I accept that that is 'pretty good' they listen to me at all.
"The most important relationship you will ever have in life, is the one you have with yourself. " -diane von furstenberg
and I have learned that is the truth. Also...
"You are the only person in your life you will alwasy have & never leave. You are born alone & you die alone." -John Bradshaw
I have noticed the same thing, the more I focus on me, the calmer I am, the more effective I am. The fact that you already know how resourceful you can be, is fabulous!
For me, one day I said, "self - we are not going to stop doing things, we will create new behaviors" b/c not doing something, wasn't working for me & I identified that I was STILL being negative.
Once I was able to only focus on me - for a few weeks, I felt so bored, I thought I would lose my mind ~ but a short time afterwards, I felt CALM and for me, a nervous wreck sort of person, this was a miraculous experience. Not only that but as long as I was centered on me - the obsessing stopped - another miracle.
I can remember a year ago, reading & having a full blown conversation with myself - I wasn't comprehending the book, I was arguing with myself & obsessing. I thought wtf am I doing? I cannot even escape by reading - no - focusing on me was what gave me the freedom to stop obsessing on others - another miraculous by product of the work here. I even felt guilty at first, focusing on me but i told myself, "it's a new experience" & I would guilt myself over everything - I stuck with it & the guilt went away.
After hurricane Ike, last september, i had a lot to be grateful for and began to focus on that in my daily life & in 2 weeks, I felt actual happiness!!!
I was so resistent to this simple program ~ but once I surrenderred to myself, everything in my life is much more positive, calm, peaceful, happy. I took respnsibility for my reactions and being irritated constantly & today I'm a different person. I am so Blessed to be here, love al-anon, thanks for sharing today, so I could too. Slipping can make us stronger.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Yes i have to continuosly do the serenity prayer, what can I do rather than to slip into the victim role. Being in Karpman's either victim, perp (or being directed as a perp by a manipulative a) or rescuing. Recusing was hugely addictive for me. I have to let go and let people have their own lives rather than try to fix them. Of course being this is not that popular among my peers. I tell them I am extremely busy which I am. Yeterday I went to two hospitals and was gone all day from 6:00 a.m to 6:00 p.m .and didn't even get my prescription. Neverthless I am taking care of myself! Rescuing is absolutely deadly for me. I have such a back lash for it. I have incredible resentment if people don't honor my tremendous commitment to them. I have had to simply let go. I hae also had to let go of why me? I'm not sure why but in the answer I have to take care of me as best I can and sometimes that requires considerable ingenuity all of which I used to give compulsively to everyone around me.
