The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tks for the replies from yesterday. Well I got up this morning and the phone ran and it was my son again... He has racoons at his place and was laughing about them and asking what I think he should do about them. THat was just fine--no problem.=, he was in a good mood.......THen he starts the drama.....(he bought new house on a acreage of land, last year)...This place is soooo boring (he's not working now)don't know anyone......should sell it.........no one from the family ever calls him......payments coming up..do u think I could get a loan at the bank blah, blah. My other 2 sons are married-I know they should call him, but everyone is busy with their own kids, lives etc. I don't want to call my boys and say phone your brother.... I had to always to this for my Mom and Dad with totally watching out for my A brother. I have been doing so good with my serenity.......keeping my B/P down.......but I do worry about this son of mine. I worry he is depressed. I do talk to him about it--he says he's been depressed before, and no I'm not he says. I cannot believe he is so much like his A father (my Ex). Carbon copy....divorced him, but can't divorce my son. Don't know what direction to turn--Thanks
I know how painful it is to hear your son in distress. I too wondered how my son could be so much like hs father,since he had experienced AA, alanon, and alateen in his life from the time he was 11 years old. I know it was a lesson that I am truly powerless over people, places and things.
Alanon really helped me to stay detached with love. Going to meetings, calling a sponser, making gratitude lists and only taking one call a day helped greatly.
The one call I took, I listened like at an alanon meeting and then attempted to suggest a program tool like. I understand that sounds hard I am sure you will make the right choice I am confident in you and then hung up.
It is hard but your health, peace of mind are most important. Please take care of you.
Thank you for your post... You just took me back to when My Afather was still around, and I was the one running messages, from dad, to my sister, from my brother to my dad, to my neice from my dad... and one day I just SNAPPED... And of course it was on Dad because he was the adult and in my mind... He was to be guiding me, and then I felt like I had to rasie him, and I would just flip... Sometimes vilently, verbally, emotionally, and scream till I thought he heard me.. He would sink into his usual "self Pity", and i would storm off mad...
I did find a way to deal with my Afather, first I read up on the disease when I bacame a mother myself... I didn't want to make the same mistake they did...I never found Al-anon till after I lost my father in Nov. 08... But... I did learn how to deal with his "Do this for me" Hints, and gripes...I had to look at him, and say... "Yep dad I am sure they would love to hear that...But they would rather hear it from YOU!, or They are your children dad, that is your battle... I have my own, or Sounds tough, but I'm sure they will understand when You tell them... I mean the list went on... He did finely tords the end start seeing my side of things a little clearer.. I don't know if it was because his mom had got him (And PAID For) his cell phone and he could then do some things on his own... So when he would say... "Your brother Never Calls Me"...So i would say.. "Welp... You got there number in your phone...Give them a Yell...." Then end it there, and move on...
We can't tell you how to deal with your son, however, you will learn what best works for you by setting yourself some boundrys... When your son starts, Find a reason to say, I am sorry things are bad but I must get busy here, or maybe if you thought more possitively things will turn around, or just let the machine pick it up... Call him when you have some serenity.... And throw him off his game...So he isn't Prepared to GRIPE..We would never ask you to give up on your child, that isn't why we are here... "Or at least me anyway"... We are here to support one another, and grow spiritaually, mentally, healthier, and hold one another up in times of dispare, and dealing with our A's, children, what ever...
Keep Coming Back... You wont be Sorry... But it only works if you work it... Get some good Al-anon books, daily readers, go to more F2f, talk to the ones in your group, share here, and there... It will become a blessing to you, if you allow it to be...
Take what you like and leave the rest... One Day at a Time... Let God & Let God.... Friends in Recovery Jozie
I just got one of those phone calls also and I'm using my bestest slogan "Don't react" with it. The three Cs are working also. I have offered "some" support that is reasonable and rational and won't be beyond "helpful"...this newest phone call was for more...beyond the second offer, which in itself is beyond what was first given before that. Being fair to myself and my spouse ranks right at the top with what I can do for others including blood relatives. Al-Anon has taught me to be fair honest and just with others and myself. That is what I am doing. I directed the family member toward other family members for support and will call him back with other suggestions also but none of them will include me carrying of his consequences beyond his ability to participate. Today I can look out at the other persons problem and ask..."what do you think some solutions might be?" rather than the easy out, "I'll fix it for you."
Tks for the replies from yesterday. Well I got up this morning and the phone ran and it was my son again... He has racoons at his place and was laughing about them and asking what I think he should do about them. THat was just fine--no problem.=, he was in a good mood.......THen he starts the drama.....(he bought new house on a acreage of land, last year)...This place is soooo boring (he's not working now)don't know anyone......should sell it.........no one from the family ever calls him......payments coming up..do u think I could get a loan at the bank blah, blah. My other 2 sons are married-I know they should call him, but everyone is busy with their own kids, lives etc. I don't want to call my boys and say phone your brother.... I had to always to this for my Mom and Dad with totally watching out for my A brother. I have been doing so good with my serenity.......keeping my B/P down.......but I do worry about this son of mine. I worry he is depressed. I do talk to him about it--he says he's been depressed before, and no I'm not he says. I cannot believe he is so much like his A father (my Ex). Carbon copy....divorced him, but can't divorce my son. Don't know what direction to turn--Thanks
