The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted my first message earlier today and I got very, very good advise. However, I was not strong enough to follow your excellent advise.
When my daughter called and begged me if she could come here and stay until her new place was ready(10 very long days), I said "OK". Her husband kicked her out 10 days ago and until yesterday, I had no idea where she was. She showed up broke, confused and very lost!!
I am also very new at the games alcholics play with their families. I am a member of Al-Anon and I do have a sponsor and I am almost ashamed to go to the next meeting and tell them that I failed!!
I am so very stressed out and very, very depressed over this. Can they kick me out of my Al-Anon group for this.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Welcome to MIP! No, they won't kick you out of your group! You're human and as one of our slogans goes, it's progress, not perfection. I can't imagne what you're going through with your child, as my qualifer is my kids' father and ex-husband. It took me years to be able to say "no" to his requests for help, but I honestly don't know if I'd be strong enough to say that to any of my kids.
Please get to your regular group when you - you need their support now more than ever before. If there are other meetings you can attend, try to get there, too. And keep coming back. We're here for you!
There is a woman in one of my meetings that sat there last night and admitted to us all that she over night air mailed her son (who is a 35 year old drunk, on his 2nd divorce and after multiple rehabs) money to "help" him. And she has been in alanon for years and years.
No, we didn't kick her out. We gave her a hug, told her to keep coming back!!!
The truth (for her) is SHE feels better when she does those things for him.
She knows in her head that it isn't helping him.....but SHE feels better. She is loving him to the best of her ability and that is perfectly ok!!! This program is for her.
This program is for you!!!
The beautiful thing is we all have choices. Don't forget that. And don't beat yourself up!!!
Please be assured that you will not be condemned or excluded from meetings because you agreed to permit your confused, lost , homeless alcoholic daughter to stay at your home until her apartment is ready.
The alanon program is a vey gentle program that offers tools to enable us to live with the disease of alcoholism.All the suggestions are just that suggestions. You are free to consider the tools suggested and then take actions you feel are right for you.
All suggestions are simply recommendations and each member is urged to: TAKE WhAT THEY LIKE AND LEAVE THE REST.
Your first post stated that you daughter's husband had put her out and called you asking that you pay for her utilities and food. It was recommended that you refuse.
Today, your daughter, who is homeless called and you respomded as a mother and agreed to let her stay for 10 days. There are no alanon rules that forbid this.
While she is there, I suggest you double up your meetings, stay detached, do not engage in the drama and pray.
Thanks so much for all your wonderful words. As I said, I am new at this game; and scared to death of making the wrong decisions for both myself and my daughter.
I do not appreciate the upheavel she causes for me and my husband.
I will go to my next Al-Anon with my head high and accept the fact that I am doing the best I can. I am sure I am not the first, or the only one that falls to the demands put upon them. If we were all successful in handling all these issues, I guess we would have no need for Al-Anon.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
I actually had a smile on my face as I read this post. If we got kicked out of Alanon while we learned it'd be a pretty empty place..lol
If I may suggest though...You might want to set some boundaries and make them very clear. Think them through. As you know, you have to be able to back the consequences and follow through or they mean nothing and will be crossed again and again. Like, no drugs in the house or you're out immediately. There's a good chance you've signed up for some drama. I would just decide what I would not tolerate and draw a well stated line that will not be crossed. We're hear for you
I think it took a pretty strong person to come back and say that your plans didn't work out so well. Lord knows we've all been there. You still rock
Just remember what you said..They are adults and it's their problem. You still have the choice of not being sucked in to the drama.
Hang in there, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Ya lost me there failed at what >? You couldnt keep your daughter safe or sober , your just not that powerful . and if u let her come home that is your business no one elses .if anyone judges u for that find a new meeting quick . we do what we have to do . we are after all the ones who have to live with ourselves . take care of you keep boundaries with daughter firm and let go . Louise
I feel better about my situation when I woke up this morning and especially felt better when I read all your comforting words of advise.
This will truly be "one day at a time" in this house and probably sometimes will be "one minute at a time". Hubby and I discussed the ground rules. When she arrives, after she settles in, we will tell her the rules are: 1. Absolulely no drinking. and she cannot hide the fact if she is drinking. Her personality does a flip flop. 2. No desrepect to me, her mom, whatsoever. She and I tend to have a "love hate relationship". As long as I am offering her a place, it better be a "love" part of the relationship.
Thanks for all your comfort. I am quite sure you will see me here many times in the next 10 days. I will be the lady pulling her hair out!!!!
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Clara, Your post brought me a huge smile this morning, so thank you :) If alanon kicked us out evertyime we slip, there would be no one in alanon because we all slip.....Thank Goodness because I know alanon is my best friend.....and i dont want to lose the support, friendship and words of wisdom the alanon family offers.
Fill your free time with alanon reading, come here often and pray......We are all pulling for you...
Oh and welcome :)
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
You sure you want to wait until AFTER she settles in to tell her the rules? Having her know the rules before she settles in makes her more responsible by agreeing to them. I would make sure to state the consequences too, whatever they are.
Good Luck Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Whoa - the only thing I would suggest is that u do not wait for her to get settled one bit - be fair & tell her she can stay if she follows your rules (boundaries). This way she can decide for herself if she is willing to do it or not. Also u need to define consequences if your boundaries are borken.
In chat 3 yrs ago another member shared these guidelines w/ me for setting boundaries & I have used them successfully in all aspects of my life. All I can say about them, is think it out thouroughly first. A's will often say things that they don't intend, so they are used to relaxing or breaking their own rules within themselves - part of what we do as enablers is allow them to walk all over us. Be clear, set ur boundary & follow thru on the consequences -- your A will learn to have respect for you & that you are not lying to them.
Boundaries are there for you to have a plan of action. They are not intended as a way to control another person - they are for you to control yourself & protect you.
When I began to set boundaries with my A's - at first it may have been a shock b/c I never put my foot down, I'd bend over backwards even though I didnt like what was happening - now I can just leave if I am uncomfortable. In time, they did respect me for what I was doing, even though I made it more difficutl for them by not enabling anymore, they could see I wasn't a push over - plus I got my own self-esteem back in the process. It's like business - nothing personal.
Good luck, welcome to MIP & hang in there. We have a chat room w/ 2 daily mtgs & 24/7 chat if u care to check it out sometime.
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES 1.HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS. 2.CLEARLY DEFIENED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY. 3.SET THEM CLEARLY. 4.COMMUNICATE THEM THEM CLEARLY. 5.ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY. 6.WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
-- Edited by kitty on Thursday 19th of March 2009 10:43:32 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I sure can understand what u are going thru...We are always Mothers and we are soft hearted when it comes to our kids. I will sure think of you for those 10 days--don't get to stressed...walk lots, PRAY lots....thsese are things I sure also need to do. God Bless!
Nope, they won't kick you out, and nope, you didn't fail.... Our recovery is not unlike that of the alcoholics - it is seldom a straight line....
I would strongly encourage you to get your hands on two books - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, and "Getting Your Children Sober" - both written by Toby Rice Drews.... they will explain TONS of stuff to you, and give you great insight & suggestions....
Take care, and please keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Honey, no one gets kicked out here. I promise. And, even if they did, something like what you're talking about wouldn't be bad enough. I'm not sure what would be, but no. Hon, you're her mom. You're gonna make decisions and mistakes. It's okay that you're not the perfect mom. I don't know who is. But I want you to keep coming back. It's okay you're not strong enough--yet--to institute our suggestion. You will. Just keep coming back. Work the steps. Use the literature. Get a sponsor. You're gonna do great.
Aloha Clara...Try another Al-Anon perception? We don't fail when we do the best we can with what we have as human beings. We are not about perfection we are about progression. Leave the shame and guilt in the trash can before going into the meeting room...you will be sitting with alot of other members who are doing the best with what they have and our lives can only get better because of it.
I heard another member share some of what you shared here in my home group meeting last evening. It has helped her to commit to learning what she hasn't already.
First of all you didn't fail. I have slipped so many times in my recovery it's a good thing that I have lots of padding back there! This is a program of progress not perfection. It's how we learn and grow. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Be gentle on yourself. No one here will kick you out or judge you. We have all been where you are. Recovery is learning and growing. Recovery is about being human. You're doing just fine. Keep working your program. All will be well. You will make the choices that are best for you and that is no one's business but yours. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi Clara, this is the first thing I thought of was what I hear at the end of most the Al-Anon meetings I have been to...
We aren't perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way-- the same way we already love you.
Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love, and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time. From suggested Al-Anon/Alateen Closing
Going to a meeting not only gives you a chance to grow, it give everyone at the meeting a chance to. I have found that some of my hardest experiences turned out to be where I had my greatest spiritual progress. It is not for us to judge you when you share, perhaps experience strength and hope from other members can help guide you in making a choice that is best for you. What Al-Anon gave me when I was in need several years ago was a safe place to be. They did not judge me, "we aren't perfect....." When I was in greatest need they were there for me, because you can not enjoy the spirtual gifts of the program unless you are willing to give them all away. Thank you for sharing Clara you gave me a chance to grow. Brian
PS in keeping with the Traditions' and Al-Anon's focus, I suggest Conference Approved Literature (CAL).
walk lots, PRAY lots....thsese are things I sure also need to do. God Bless!