The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I recently found myself asking the question, what's wrong with me?
Many are aware that last year stood out for many reasons. The good (my progress in recovery), the bad (my AH progressive disease) and the ugly (near death of AH). Yet, I felt that with the grace of my HP, life still held a powerful meaning.
Recently, I received more news that isn't good. The news itself isn't the real issue, but my reaction is. I immediately fell back to "what's wrong with me?" Even tbough I had nothing to do with what happened. It definitely affects me, but I didn't cause it.
So I realized exactly my part. I take responsibility when it is not mine to take. I beat myself up more than any other person could. I'm my own enemy.
Yeah, I struggle with this also. It comes in many forms, too, I think. Also, when people outside of me "sound" like that negative voice inside of me I am often drawn to them to generate a more "amplified" effect which is sick sick sick. But at least I know this now. I used to think that I had something to learn from these critical people. AND hey, I did but not what I was thinking it was- HA! I needed to learn that verbally beating myself up was a root of SHAME which is never appropriate, healthy or good for me in any way, shape or form. I have good characteristics and yeah, I do have some not so good ones but that is the same with anyone and everyone. I am not intrinsically bad or unusually horrible! I do the best I can with what I have got just like anyone else. This is difficult to grapple with sometimes, though, still (for me). Hugs, J.
Rocky, I have these days too :) We all do because we are human....just remember it took years to form our habits, responses and we were molded into who we are, how we react over a long long time. So we are learning new ways to live, sometimes we slip back into the old ways :) Remember my friend in recovery, it is progress and not perfection that we strive for, that being said it is a HUGE progress that you were able to catch yourself reacting to something you cant control and you are aware of that....You are here posting and getting ESH which is alot better then some of the ways you could have been handling this....
Keep up the great work!
Sending a great big virtual hug :)
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
Try this.... get out a piece of paper and pen and do a what's right with me list and write down all the wonderful things about yourself. That might help when the question comes up again.
Rocky... I too have been here/there many times... It is easier to blame myself then to look for the fault at hand.. I am getting better with the letting Go part, but I still have my days were the negative rises and isn't easily swallowed down as easy as it came up...
I remind myself of the slogans we so often hear: One Day at a TimeProgress NOT PerfectionEasy Does it....
You are doing great keep up the good work... Keep coming back...(((((HUGS))))) Friends in Recovery Jozie
I would have fought you over who was more negative - haha - I was the Queen of kicking myself! And took everything personally. Being acoa & taking responsibility for the world - well I thought it was my job. In the last 2 years, I have been able to focus on me, discover self love & grow with it and especially with minding my own business was very new behavior. But with practise I was able to change. Focus on you & what you can do for yourself today.
"The news itself isn't the real issue, but my reaction is." -rocky
You said a mouthful right there.
I used to tell myself, "dont do this or that" but that never worked, I had to find positive things that I could do to replace the behavior with. For example, I started to focus on gratitude and in a few weeks, I felt joy again for the first time in 25 or 30 years. My reaction is everything & I was irritable constantly - and I had to live in that! yuck Not today, not anymore.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Wow that's quite a realization. That is so me, especially at work. I take on extra responsibility that I think is mine to take on when it really isn't. I'm not sure why I do that. Thanks for making think about that. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I relate Rocky!! I also realized that "it (whatever "IT" was) had to always be about me or I somehow couldn't or didn't relate to it. I had to do something about it because it was always about me. "Let go and let God" helped me into the solution or always being in HP's will. Turn it Over...is another real good slogan.
for me its over responsibiity. I want to be there for everyone but myself.
Being responsible for me is new.
I have to constantly walk the line with negative self talk. My therapist believes it comes from my background as a child which was very abusive.
The ex A who I was with had many close brushes with death. I found that incredibly stressful and am so relieved not to be around it any more. I also can catastophize with the best of them!
One Day at a Time
