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Hi All.... As most of you know I had a minor melt down the other day when my son was missing his pap pap, My Afather, (deseased)... I have sence found my ground again, and thank you for all the shared your ESH with me and took the time to respond... It was most grateful...
I did learn a few things from the experience and that is: that it bothered me soooo much not only because my son was hurting but... Because So Am I.... I have tried to jump head first into this program, tho taking baby steps...And I am still slowly working thru the greiving process..I have been thru many greivicnes in my life, so I thought that heck... I can do this... Truth is... I miss My Daddy-O... Alcoholic of not, he was still my father, and tho his choices and life was not always to my liking... He still loved me with or with out the disease that took him from me/us...
I have sat down with my 11 year old son and explained to him the pains, and illness of the disease... He understands how and why I did the things I did when he would visit my Afather... And he even at 11 thanked me because ALL his memory's of his pap pap were good one... So that helped :) I forget sometimes that he is growing up and there is nothing I can do about it...And I have always told him Knowledge is power!!! So I don't hide the fact that his Pap pap and Uncle are alcoholics, and he knows that I still love/loved them very much, and that they are sick...
I spoke to him about the picture of my Afather, and he told me that he would like it to stay, because it is a great pic of him and he likes the reminders of him when he sees it...I have told him what a wonderful day the pic was takin which was my wedding day so there isn't any bad memory's attached to that...And thanksfully, he looked alot better then the final years of his life, and I really don't have any more resent pics of Dad but maybe a handful, but he looks so bad they are better off in albums.
I am getting there, slowly, but surely... I have to accept that I TOO MUST GREIVE... and tho I am working the program, I am not working the greiving process... I have been shutting myself off from the loss, and trying to deal with every thing else in my world... the BUSY of it all...I know now that my Father an alcoholic or not, he still holds a very large piece of my heart, and I am just trying to work thru the process of allowing him to keep it... I don't want to loose the love that we had, weather he is here in person or spirit... If that makes any sense...
I got a call from his Mom. My Grandma the other day, she is 84 and since Dad past, she has been very lonely because when dad got sick she was the one that would take him in and care for him on his ruff weeks, so now her time is idol... Well my Uncle, paiid for her to fly to az to visit her old friends from tuson, and she said she just had to hear my voice, for she is just use to hearing it every week, and tho she is clear across the state, she had to know I was still here... She said she couldn't get me off her mind.. That usually happens when I am fighting my inner demons for some reason, and sure enough, with my boy missing him pap pap her son, that was the demons... lol... So she is having a wonderful time, and she is there thru out most of this month... So i am glad she got the chance ...
Thanks all of you for listening and mostly for sharing all your Esh with me.. I have been grateful for everyone of you and all your shares, on my down days i come here for a pick me up, and on my up days I come here to pick up someone else and give a little ESH myself... I hope to have a ton more Up days with just a few down ones.. now I guess I just have to see what the HP thinks about all that... :)
Thanks for the heart felt share. I don't have much esh w/ death but I do have strong spiritual beliefs. I have heard the greiving process takes time & it sounds so beautiful the positive wonderful memories you are keeping close to your heart. I truly believe ur dad can hear you & that after death we are released from what plagues us on earth ie in spirit we gain acces to full enlightenment... idk if it's true but I believe it is, very strongly.
I wanted to say your poignant post touched my heart, thank you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi Jozie, is is 20 years this year that my Dad has passed away. He was an awsome father and i don't have any bad memories of him at all. He was not an A and was the best man i have ever known. I was only 17 when he suddenly died of a massive heart attack at the young age of 37. I didn't know GOD then and I was mad. I didn't understand why GOD had to take my dad who was so good instead of taking someone else. It was many many years that I couldn't have a memory with it hurting so painfully. And the first time I had a memory and it didn't hurt, I remember feeling guilty. And then somewhere along the line, I guess it started happening when my mom turned to drugs and alchol to ease her pain, My Dad's memory started to give me strength. The memories of your dad will give you and you son strength. It is good that you talk to him about his PaPa. I remember not wanting to talk to my mom about my dad because I didn't want to hurt her. But I wanted to talk to her so bad. I miss my dad so much, and I wish that he was here to hold me and wipe my tears. (and kick my A's butt). He may not be here in body, but i feel him with me all the time. HUGS IN RECOVERY! Sincerely, Tonya
Dear Jozie, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad and the intense pain you are experiencing.
I understand running around trying to do things rather than focus on my deep feelings and just expressing them. Grieving is hard work but when shared with friends the burden lightens.
I am glad you opened your heart to us. You having been growing so much since you joined alanon so please keep on working your program as you have. Focus on taking good care of you, be very gentle with yourself and please keep sharing.
You loved your father, as I loved my son They both suffered from a terrible disease that took their lives. Your feelings of loss are normal and natural.
Please keep talking to your son and sharing your feelings here. I promise that you will walk through this pain and some day find the peace and serenity you seek.
