The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a member of Al-Anon and they have been a great help to me. However, I need advise ASAP and too early to call my sponsor.
My 37 year old daughter is an alcholic and probably has a drug problem to go along with it.
Her husband has kicked her out of the house. He filed for divorce yesterday. He has agreed to "put her up on an apartment" for one year. However, he wants us to pay for her utilities and groceries. Well, for one thing, this is enabling. Another thing, we are on fixed income, social security. We could manage for a couple of months and that is all. Then what????
Also, he is saying she can use the same attorney he is using. I strongly disagree with this. She has no money, although her husband, a pilot makes $90,00. Plus on their 80 acre ranch, they have 3 VERY productive gas wells. All money, checking, savings, his precious trust fund is in his name.
Please advise on how to turn down his most "generous" offer to let us pay utility and groceries???? Also, how can she get an attorney with her not having money?
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Is she willing to get help? If she were to involve herself in a rehab, they might be able to direct her to free or low cost legal services. She could call legal aid in her area and see if there are any lawyers doing pro bono work. Has he been abusive to her? Finanically, sexually, physically, mentally? Then she could look into domestic violence services in her area. But if she is actively drinking, she may not care.
I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. And though she is your daughter, she is grown and you have no obligation to support her and her lifestyle. I believe it is a very personal thing, and totally your decision. No matter how you handle it, this program will help you. You can find peace despite the chaos and pain. Just keep coming and listening and reading and posting.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do as parents is stand back and let them fall, cheer from the sidelines as they learn how to live again. Just like when they had to learn how to walk.
I think the easist thing is honesty, even though you really owe no explanation. I would simply say "Sorry, We can't afford it". I would tell him they are both adults and responsible for themselves. He will come up with another plan. You have no responsibility. If he wants her out, he can figure it out. This is your opportunity to stay uninvolved. If you cave now you open yourself up to all that follows. Set your boundaries now. "NO" is a complete sentence. This is their problem, leave it with them.
That being said. I don't believe legally he can kick her out of the house. Not without a restraining order or order of protection. There's no way she should use his attorney. In fact most attorneys won't do that anyway. I had a friend that was recently divorced. Initially they hired attorneys from the same law firm (by mistake). She had to get a different attorney before proceeding due to conflict of interest. She also knew the husband would have to pay alimony because he made far more money then her and they had been married 15 yrs. She found a lawyer that required some money down but agreed to being paid the rest of the money after she got her alimony payments. I believe it ended up that her husband had to pay a fair share of her lawyer fees since he was the one that filed. Every state is different. That being said, you are dealing with an alcoholic. If she finds a attorney, she may never pay him. Another reason to stay uninvolved.
I strongly suggest you leave all of this in her lap. You may be giving her a gift by doing so. With any luck, she may find her rock bottom and maybe even find her way in to rehab. Remember, once you say "yes" to anything you get sucked in to the vortex. It's definately the time to set boundaries and stick to them. He's obviously an intelligent man, he'll figure out an alternative. Now is the time to attend meetings for more support.
Stay strong, Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 09:44:47 AM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome to MIP. I am so glad you are attending alanon and have a sponser.
I know how painful this situation is. I agree with the other suggestions that you received.
They are married, he has many assets and you are not responsible for your grown married daughters expenses.
Since you are not in a financial position to do this simply tell him that and Let Go and Let God.
I have an alanon friend who left an alcoholic "RICH" husband and she is without funds. She called around and secured an attorney who agreed to take the case with a minimum $(200.00) retainer. In my State we have a "Legal Aid Society" that can help obtain legal services pro bono.
I know you are concerned for your daughter's best interest, but let this unfold slowly. One Day at a time. Right now all you need to do is address your inability to pay any of her expenses.
Hello there , learning that the word NO can be a complete sentence was one of the hardest things for me to grasp in this program . no justificatio , no explanations necessary simply . NO good luck Louise
I believe t here are attorneys who will work for her to see that she gets her fair share and I don't think it matters much that it is in his name , depends on the State your in I guess , also most attorneys give one free visit 1/2 hr . so she will find out where she stands . Often attorneys agree to take payment when she recieves her money from divorce . .
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 11:11:53 AM
WELCOME TO MIP FAMILY... TRULY HOPE THAT YOU KEEP COMING BACK....
As for your Daughters troubles, that is for her to deside... Weather she has money or not, if you can afford to drink and drug then you can afford to get a job, get help and pay your own grocery bill... I know she is your daughter and you want to do right by her, but You have already raised her so this fight is for her, her addictions, her divorce, her new appt. all HER... In alanon I was taught to HELP ME, and let others HELP them selves... My thoughts are Detach with love, and Let Go & Let God... You are no longer responsibile for your daughter but if she would like to be responsible you could mention to her that there are treatment centers all over and hope that she check one out...
Take what you like and leave the rest.... One Day at a Time is really all we have to do... Wishing you luck and love Friends in Recovery... Jozie
Thank you all so much for your support. You all told me the words I need to hear!!!
I have made the decision that they are both on their own. They created this mess; I had nothing to do with it. I did not cause it; I cannot cure it.
My daughter lives in denial. She will admit she has a drinking problem and she does not believe her husband will divorce her.
When he kicked her out 10 days ago, he gave her $1100.00. She does not have a penny left. I do not believe anyone can drink up $1100.00 in ten days; that why I have my suspensions of drugs. Who knows.
Thanks again everyone for your support. I am sure you will be seeing me here alot, as I know this will not be over soon, if ever.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
