The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have visited this board, and watched for a long time. I am back and really hope to help myself this time. I am feeling sorry for myself and feel as if I am on a roller coaster to hell with no return ticket. Living with my "A" gets harder by the day. I try to understand the disease, and I feel the anger to be overwhelming. I went to a wedding shower today, and all I could think was 5 years ago that was me and I was soooo happy. Four years ago the drinking became heavy and it has been hell ever since. I went to the shower but I don't think I can bring myself to go to the wedding as I am worried he will drink to much and embarrass me. Which has happened many times but not with people I work with. I know my coworker will be upset if I don't go but I will have so much anxiety I will be on edge all night. My husband asked me why I didn't want to go to the wedding... The bottom line is I am sick of hiding because of his battle with alcoholism. I have limited friendships for the fear of people finding out who and how my husband is... I don't want to make excuses for the wedding or anything else. Divorce has been on my mind a lot lately. I am going to be 35 soon and I don't want to look back 20 years from now and be miserable still with a lot of regrets. I am sorry to ramble, I just want to figure out where and how to start healing myself. I already go to counseling... Thanks for listening.
I can certainly relate to your situation. I stopped doing a lot of things I enjoyed, stopped going to places I enjoyed, stopped talking to friends I enjoyed. WHY?? Because of fear, shame and embarrassment over what my wife has done or might yet do. The past and the future. I can't change either. I also think that I stopped doing these things because I was ashamed of what I had become myself. Why/how did I get myself into this position???? I felt like a failure.
What I have discovered recently, is what a relief it is to finally get things out in the open, stop hiding from it and stop making excuses for it. It is what it is, a terrible disease.
I'm very new to Al-anon, and don't have much for advice, but hopefully you can take comfort in knowing you aren't alone. There is alot of great information on this website, and the meetings are great too.
I know how you are feeling, too. That is the great thing about this group of people - they understand. I am new around here, also.
Today was one of those days where I didn't think I could make it another day living with my A. I also have slowly withdrawn from family and friends. I wonder if such a feeling of isolation is typical of those who have a loved one that is an A. That isolation makes the day by day antics feel so overwhelming to me at times, because there is no one with me that I can lean on (exept my HP). I feel like there is very little peace in my life, even at night when I am trying to sleep because my A stayes up late and likes to make alot of noise (whether music, tv or banging around in the kitchen). My anxiety gives way to anger when I see yet another day of him staggering around, knocking into the walls and breaking glasses in the kitchen. That sounds stupid even as I write it now, but today I had my fill of seeing the staggering and slurring that began mid-afternoon. Sorry - I guess I needed to vent a bit too.
That being said, I am trying hard to read my literature and focus on giving up the situation to my Higher Power. This first step is hard because everything seems so out of control, even as I stand by and watch things happen without rescuing my A. However, I am deciding to make a step forward this week and reach out to my family. My fear of them knowing the situation can only be confronted by actually reaching out to them. I am scared, but I know that it is the best thing.
I have been where you are ,,and definately we all get embarrassed. I have covered up for him in so many cases, made excuses for him etc etc. However in the real aspect of things most people know that he is an A already, even though we "think" we have covered it up , kept it secret etc etc. If he goes to the wedding and makes a fool out of himself thats him not you. I would go and have fun period, ignore his shananagans. This life that you are living is about YOU and not him. Please do not refrain from having fun just because your A is drinking or not drinking. I wasted many years turning down invitations because of this, and I began to isolate from friends and family. I tell you its not worth it, as you only are here once in this world so have some fun for yourself, you have nothing to be ashamed of , period! Keep the focus on you and your needs and what you want to do, as the A will do what he wants when he wants etc.. Go and have fun,,,,,,,,,,you deserve it!
Like Alberta Cowboy said, you are not alone. Almost all of us here in the same boat. I've been married to my alcoholic hubby for 18 years now, and like you was slowly pulling away from family and friends. I found Al-Anon 17 years ago and attending face to face (f2f) meetings unti he found up, became upset, and made me stop going (not physically of course but verbally). Fortunately I came away with enough tools from those few short months to get me through the next 16 1/2 years.
I found this group just over a month ago, when I was at a point in my life where I thought the only way out of this mess was for one of us to die. Today, after listening to all these wonderful people here, and occasionally venting of course, I feel like a new woman. My anger level has dropped, my strength is returning, and I am enjoying life for myself and my children. We are finding new things to do together and enjoy, whether or not he comes along is his business (but he is missing out on a lot of fun!). I no longer hide his drinking from anybody (including his family), and I am finding that when I do confide in co-workers and friends about it, fellow "al-anoner's" are coming out of the woodwork! So, keep coming back, and vent whenever you need to. You will get through all of this whole, believe me.
And as far as the wedding is concerned, go without him if you have to. Try not to allow yourself to miss out on anything in life because of his problem
I too have been where you are today. I think most of us have. I agree with what a lot of other posters have said. There is some relief when you do stop hiding and covering for him. Most people already do know about his drinking, no matter how well we think we are covering it up.
I also know the embarasment. When you go to a function and he acts up, and you feel that all eyes are on you. In reality it is not you they are loking at, but it sure does feel like it.
A few years ago my husband and I attended a banquet that I was one of the chairs of. He was drunk before we got there. It was a lovely banquet and I was very proud of all of the work I had accomplished. As the night went on he became more and more drunk, then he was jumping around tripped over another member and broke the mans ankle very badly. He immediatly got an attitude when everyone looked at him, screaming that the guy was wrong for being in his way. No apology or anything.
The president if the organization pulled me aside and suggested that we leave. I was mortified and so upset, here was an affair I had spent weeks organizing and because of his drinking, we were asked to leave. Then the president told me he guesses that if I can after I take him home, no one would be too upset if I returned. In effect I was being blamed because I was married tto him. The man needed surgery and was out of work for more than 6 months. My husband never apologized to him. He did however walk up to him about a year later drunk again and stick out his hand. I cannot repeat in writing what the guy said to him, but I am sure you can imagine. My husband got angry, he could not imagine why this man would not shake his hand.
Years later, we are no longer involved with these people and my husband has rewritten history. According to him we had to leave because no one liked me and I was a bitch. That they stopped invited us places because of my attitude. One day in anger I told him that for a while I still got invited, but with the stipulation that I do not bring him, I chose not to attend. He just said "yeah, yeah, yeah, you keep believing that. His parents still tell me that he lost all of his friends because of my bitchiness. I have often thought of bringing these people to him or them and have them tell the way it really is, but it would serve no purpose. I would be putting others on the spot, and he wouldn't believe it any way. He would probably say that they said it to get off the hook with me.
Don't ostrasize yourself, because it will just make you miserable. He will drink no matter what you do or don't do and you have to keep living.
Thank you all for the words of wisdom. You all are truly angels from above. We talked again today about how things needed to change. mY best friends sister in law died yesterday in her early 50's because of her drinking. Her liver was just eaten alive by the disease. Its heart breaking what the end result of all the maddness is. I am truly just at my wits end thinking how intelligent my "A" is. How can someone so smart get involved in a life full of sadness. I would have never gotten married if I knew this was where we were heading. My "A" is in his own little fish bowl where all is peachy and great. He thinks our marriage has never been better. I am confused as to who he has been talking to. He asked this morning why we don't go to my familys house for Sunday dinner anymore. The honest truth is my anxiety is higher than high the whole visit. He is not aloud to drink in their home and that was made clear about a year ago when my father had a long talk with him. My father watched my "A" drink and grin at me way to many times. The more it bothered me the more he sucked down. So the day we go to a family function he stays sober all day and night and doesn't have a problem doing that. However, its then like I owe him for being good as he calls it. I am also called bitchy because afterall its only beer. Beer doesn't KILL you! I am sitting home today while he works catching up on laundry and cleaning. He asked me to cook roast for dinner, and I asked him are you sitting down for family dinner today?? I don't know about you all but I was raised that a family all sits at the table and talks about their day. His idea of dinner is waiting for me and our daughter to eat then he will eat when all the dishes are done by himself in our bedroom. He works until 5, goes to the local bar, and then comes home and holds down the bed drinking a six pack. For me its a lonely life.... I need so bad to attend a f2f meeting. I am uncomfortable going to a meeting alone. I am so embarrassed of my life and marriage. I really want to get divorced and he just won't hear of it. I guess it would help if I knew my rights. My family has always said they would be supportive if I stayed or left to start a new life. I just don't want this kind of life for our child. She is only 4 and deserves more from her father. I just don't think he takes me seriously... After 13 years that saddens me greatly. Again thank you all for listening and for your responses. Its nice to know their are people who care and understand. Hope you all have a great day. Its time for me to start living again. I have another week to decide if I am going to the wedding. Maybe I will go alone..
I relate to your problem, and I feel for you so. But sooner or later, the "dirty secret" as I used to call it will be out. You must lead your life not according to what you might expect of HIM, but what you must expect of YOU! Get yourself to a f2f Al Anon meeting, and you'll find you are not alone. You will also discover the tools to help you look after yourself. His Higher Power will look after him.
As far as the future is concerned...only you can make that choice. My prayers and positive thoughts are with you. Remember that the decision you make must be for YOU. It's all about you. Remember the 3 Cs. I am not much for slogans, but I repeat this one to myself quite often. It helps bring me peace.
I too know how you feel. I right now and covering for my h (the a) with my family because he is supposed to be in another state working, and I am trying to find the courage and wisdom to handle telling my family and not be devastated by the judgements. That's what hurts, is the judgements on him and me. He came home because he got arrested half way down there and now has to worry about a DUI.
Anyway, I have learned to be careful about when to take him places and when not to. He is a loner by nature, so he prefers to stay home and drink till he passes out, so I have started going out without him. I have learned through Al Anon not to stop my life just because of his choices.
I was married to my A for 12 years , and i cannt really remember many happy times, just lots of long nights waiting up for him to come home, if he did that is. Worrying about what state he would be in, and worrying if he would be so down the next day he would try and commit suicide, not to mention all the other women as women. He finally left me three years ago, and at the time like you, i felt so resentful and bitter, and couldnot believe that I had wasted so may years of my life in this way. Over the next three years i did form a new life and things were so much better, but still i missed him terribly. Loved him regardless. His drinking in these three years , unknown to me , reached a climax, his relationship with the women he left me for ended, and again i was there to support him. Despite telling myself that what I was doing was wrong. I love him you see and I now know what a terrible illness he has. I know inside he loves me and doesnt mean to hurt me.
I have to get on with my life regardless whether I am with him or not. If things work out between us, then thats in the hands of my HP, i have no control on these things.
Attend as many f2f meetings you can, get a better understanding of the illness, get well yourself. Whats good for you , is inevitably good for him. I read a great book called "getting them sober " by Tim Rice Drew , it explains so much and is really helpful.
May you find a HP to get through these times who will help you make the right decisions , when you are ready to make them.
My husband also thinks dinner is supposed to be eaten in bed in front of the TV. This started when he was a teenager, his parents brought his dinner to him in his room and continued that way until we where married.
He wants dinner at 5 every night. The only problem is he is not usually home by 5. He would stroll in wheneever he pleased after 5 and expect dinner to be waiting for him. He also wanted it served in his room, and condiments, salt, pepper and something to drink brought in as well. When he was finished, he expected me or one of the kids to come take away the dishes and whatever else was in there. Ohterwise he put it on the floor, and there it remained until someone picked it up. His parents still treat him that way.
I drive a school bus, and my children are all active in sports or other activities. They are not usually home by 5 and neither am I, since I am normally at their games. I also go back out on my bus for a late run at 6, and return home about 6:45.
For the rest of us, 7PM dinner is most convenient, and often he still wasn't home. I told him dinner is at 7, since that is when the majority wants it and my work schedule allows it. I put his plate on the table with everyone else, if he did not take it, by the time we where finished, I put it in the microwave, and left it there. Then we stopped cleaning up the plates in the room. Unfortunately the room started to get horrible with his filthy dishes, so the baby and I began sleeping on the couch.
He now lives with his parents and is waited on hand and foot. His Mother tells me I starved him, and made him sleep in a filthy room. I told her, dinner was ready at 7, if he wanted something sooner he could make it himself and clean up himself. I told her if he was not home when we ate he could reheat it, and I said, cleaning up after dinner means the kitchen, not the bedroom. If he wants to eat in there, he can get off his butt and bring the plate and things back out to the kitchen. He didn't and I hate a mess, but I amnot a maid, I closed the door to the room and ignored it.
I have so much respect for you. You sound so strong, and your kids are blessed to have you. Keep on keeping on. Its gotta get better. I just keep telling myself what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. Thanks for your reply.
