The material presented
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I chose to get into that relationship before allowing my heart & mind to heal from the previous one. I also tend to choose men that are similar to my father who was also an alcoholic. I couldn't save my dad so I guess I was trying to save other men I got close to. Took me a long time to learn that people can only save themselves!
The previous relationship was a short one, 8 months, but it left me more damaged that I'd admit to at the time. In that one my ex was an alcoholic and played upon my trust issues with open flirting, weird relationships with his exes and stripper loving tendencies. I saw all that and still went into it thinking I could love him enough and he would change into the man I wanted him to be. I relaxed my boundaries with him little by little until I had none left. Then he dropped me like a hot potato and immediately went and bedded someone he met twice. I spent about 2 months alone mostly depressed and feeling sorry for myself before I decided to pick myself up and get on with things. I never went through the whole grieving and healing process. I went back to school and was on a good up swing.
A couple of months into school and this new life I thought I was giving myself and I met a man in another course there and we hit it off right away. I didn't want to get into another relationship right away & thought it would be a better idea to have the friends with benefits thing. He agreed but about a week later he asked me over coffee to be exclusive stating that he's worried about diseases and all that and that he also really liked me as a person and wanted to date me one one one. I didn't really want to but agreed to try anyways - bad idea! Over the next few months things were on a roller coaster. He was in his stage of seeing what I would tolerate and I played right into that game, it's so familair to me. I gripped on to him because he was so loyal to me and was so different that my last bf...or so I thought at first. They are both alcoholics and I don't know what happened inside my brain that told me that he would be a different alcoholic than the previous ones I ran into. Was fooling myself to try and fill a void in my heart!
I am responsible for the past bad choices I made in regards to relationships. I was always in too much of a rush to get into a relationship to try and get the new man to heal my hurts from the last man. That's not fair to any man, alcoholic or not. I was sick in the head and didn't realize it. In a way I'm glad I had these relationships even though they caused a lot of pain. They have taught me so much about myself and I'm grateful that I have the chance now to fully heal and be the person I know I can be. I am going to validate myself from now on and not look to others for that. I am going to love myself and be my own best friend and not expect others to provide me with happiness. I am letting go of my need to control others and their lives and letting others face their own music while I dance to mine. I feel a sense of freedom that I have never felt my entire life
Boy can I relate to your post! I have been in four marriages and am now seperated from my fourth husband, and it doesn't look good for it. I know that my problem was going from one relationhip to the next before healing. The sad thing was that after the third marriage I knew better and was trying to be on that path of taking care of myself and not getting into a relationship and I did pretty good until I had a horse fall on me at work (I was a vet tech) and broke my shoulder. I had a farm to run at home and was in no shape to run it and my soon to become fourth husband stepped up to the plate to rescue me! Boy did that feel good at the time, but I was trading someone taking care of me for my freedom. He quit drinking, because he said he knew he had a problem with it and now he is a dry drunk without a program and very controling of me. I finally got out of the relationship and am on my own again, trying to remember how to take care of myself. It's hard when someone else has done it for you for 3 years, and not allowed me to do one thing for myself, or to have friends, or to go to al-anon.
I'm glad, like you, that I recognized the pattern and this time hope I will use better judgement if I have a relationship again. It will be a long time, I just don't trust myself anymore when it comes to men. I always attract the dysfunctional or addicted ones.
I know exactly why I got into this last relationship it was out of need and desperation, because of my position. I will look to others in the program and friends and family if I find myself in that position again.
((((Exhausted)))) I, and I am sure many others can relate to your post. No one likes to feel hurt, pain or abandonment so it is easier to find someone new to help sooth over the old hurts and scars.....We are human-it happens. But by realizing what you were doing you have enabled yourself to break free and develop new and much healthier behavior patterns, which will benefit only you. Great share........good insight.....
keep coming back shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Have you been copying me ? Thank you for your post, I think many of us here can identify with it.
I too am ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and codependant. My relationships follow a similiar pattern. It took me along time to have the insight into my behaviour that you have now. I found reading around the subject of codependancy really helped. For me the book Codependancy No More by Melody Beattie, was a great place to start.
yeah, hehe, the best way out of a painful past is to launch right into a future filled to the brim with denial and unrealistic expectations! total LALA land! HA! Boy, do I know that song and dance routine which is why I just do not go there anymore although its tough, believe me! Great post that shows a lot of awareness. Hugs, J.
It took me over 10 years to develop enough awareness and insight to leave him be. I have some serious issues to work on myself and for once in my adult life I have no want for a relationship except the one I'm trying to build with myself. I neglected my own friendship to myself and chose to leave myself in the dust to try and control my A's alcoholism. That's on me and I'm working through the negative feelings I have towards myself for making very poor choices in my relationships. I was so needy! I was wanting love from my A so badly I closed my eyes to the madness that surrounded me. My A was a binger so he'd sometimes go for quite a while without booze and then SNAP! he's relapsing and drinking like he's making up for lost time. I wasn't used to binge drinkers & didn't know he was an A until we started to live together. My father was a daily beer drinker and all the other As I've run into up until this one were daily drinkers. I had to learn about a whole new breed of As! Before I learned about binging As I thought if he was able to control his intake then he must be able to control his drinking. Boy did I fool myself! I am sure as I continue on my healing path I will learn more and hope to apply what I learn to the new life I am building for myself...and my cat :)
Aloha Exhausted...Glad you found your way here. If you really want change (for me) it is best to get it from the ESH from those who have been where you are at and have made those changes themselves. The Al-Anon Family Groups and this forum again for me, contain those people that I would reach out for help also in changing my life.
Your story is so much like my own and I know that we are not the only two like this. With the program I had a chance and I finally took it. I still have the problem which is me and at the same time lots and lots of solutions or alternatives to my old choices which I am now willing to try first before just going off on my own. Check out the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and get the meeting times and places that are available to you. One little bit of wisdom among millions that we have in the program is, "If nothing changes...nothing changes."
Codependancy No More was a great book & combined with my local Alanon group helped me to gain insight into how I fit into the picture and what I was doing to fuel the cycle. I've been with Alanon for a number of years...without it I would have lost my mind. Last year I also started cognitive behavioural therapy with a therapist who's familair with Alanon and that has really helped me to change the way I react to people around me. I learned to let some other people go in my life and had been secretly going to sessions while my now exAbf was at work. I kept my recovery from him because I was scared he'd do something to try and get me to stop going or block my way somehow. Early this year I received a medical diagnosis that gave me the final incentive to ask him to leave my life for good. I had to use a combination of support and recovery tools to get to the place I am now. Books and Alanon educated me and helped me to cope day to day on a survival mode but therapy was what got me to take some action over my life and learn how to thrive & not just survive. I needed help to change the way I behaved & almost came close to becoming addicted to the meetings! I'd go into panic mode if I couldn't get to one...which feels like the same kind of panic when my A used to drink & go into his stonewalling moods. The panic and my constant need for meetings helped me to see that I need a little more help than Alanon alone could provide. Some people are able to get on with Alanon alone and be able to survive and later thrive but I wasn't one of those people. I was so locked into the cycle and seriously needed a professional to help me learn how to regain my own power and start really loving myself. It's been a long journey and I still have a long way to go to heal not just from this relationship but from past pain from childhood. I am not scared anymore though and that makes putting solid effort into myself easier to manage
My whole life revolved around relationships. The last one was for 7 years which was 6 years 11 months longer than it should have gone on. One thing I do successfully in al anon is to be incredibly busy. That leave no time to long for a romance. The busier I am the better. I have male friends. I keep it at a very long distance. I am working on boundaries day and night and really have to slog at it.
You're in the right place. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
Thank you for your post, I think many of us here can identify with it.