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Well.... LAst night went from having all my power to being powerless over thee very next moment...I was sit'n here sharing and reading ESH from all my MIP family, while my son was get'n in the shower and get'n ready for bed. I was sitting in my chair ESH'n. and when my son gets out of the shower and sits on the couch behind me, he wasn't there but a couple minutes...
Next thing I know he is sniffling and I turn around and he has tears streaming down his beautiful face. I ask him what was wrong and he looks at this 8X10 pic I have of my Afather that past in Nov. and says "Mom I miss Pap Pap, how did he really die, he wasn't that old, what really happened to him?"
Well as I am fighting for the words to explain alcoholism"Yet Again" to my 11 year old son, while my own heart is tearing apart... I guess I never thought about him really missing him alot, because knowing my fathers illness, I had limited ALL contact with him and my son... I remember every Christmas telling my son, "Now Honey, Don't expect nothing but love when you get to pap pap's because he doesn't have much more to give"... My son was really OK not get'n anything from Pap Pap, but I would take him there, at 11am Every holiday... That was when my father was still in bed, so we would have to wake him, and I knew he would be sober...
My son goes on to tell me that he knew that Pap Pap drank but he still didn't understand why he died... So how do you explain such a horrible illness to such a loving and young man? I was fighting for words, but did tell him that Pap Pap went in his sleep, and that you don' t have to fear death, because only God gets to pick who goes and who stays, and when it happens you are set free from all of your pain... Well he was glad that Pap Pap went in his sleep but did not understand why it happened at his age..
Well... All I could do was love my son, and wrap my arms around him tell him that its going to be ok... In his young age, he as lost a Gr. Grandpa, His Pap Pap, and one of his toughest was our dog, that he had all his life till he was 8yrs old. (that one was toughest yet) and his bio-father when he was 8 months old which leads to many questions now that i again can't answer... So now he fears loosing his Gr. Grandma. (My afathers mom who is 84), and his Grandma J, that is in bad health... My son has always wore his heart on his sleeve and he is very emotional always has been...but he is a good kid, and I think God gave him to me to teach me many things...
One being tears.... When I was growing up in my Afamily, Tears was a rare thing.... You was suppose to be strong and if you cried you were a Sissy...I was told Never let them see you cry because then They Win! I never really figrued out who "They" were, but I sure didn't cry...Now as I sit with the tears streaming down my face uncontrolly, and whole in my heart for the pain that my son is going thru, I just wonder myself how I can go from "Having it all together" to loosing complete control in a matter of moments..
The picture I have of my Afather is in my dinningroom, it is an 8X10 close up of him, and it is my favorite pic of all time... But am i hurting my son by having such a picture so life like in his presents,? should i down size to one that is less "In your face" I don't want him to forget his pap pap, but I don't want him to greive over the pic either... The picture is from my wedding so it brings nothing but good memory's for me but maybe that is more then he can deal with right now...
It does my heart good to know that even with the little bit of time that I ALLOWED him to have with my father, he remembers him fondly... but with this Sooo many other questions had surfaced that even I don't know how to answer...Like Why didn't my sister Speak to Pap pap, and why is he the only grandchild that got to know pap pap out of the 4 he had? how could my sister be Mad at her Father for over 12 years and not even say a word to each other? All things that I Would never think of a 11 year old to ask..Let alone Worry about!!!
I don't know I just cant stand to see my boy hurt, his pain he wears on his face, in his tears, the ones I was never allowed to have, because I had to be Tough...Now look at me, I am a frick'n mess because I don't know how to do any more then to wrap my arms around him while he crys' and my own tears have some how learned to flow, so much so that I can't get control over them... I guess for today I must be that "Sissy" I heard about all of my life...
I don't know... I just wish I could make it all better, and I can't... I can't change the fact that my father was an alcoholic, I can't change that my son didn't get to know him better, I can't change the "Missed" time my son did not have with my father, because the only time that we went there that it wasn't a holiday, it was on our way to somewere else, and we only had Moments to visit, that way I felt like we were safe and could get in and out quickly..So my son would not have to witness his pap pap's drunkiness...Did I do right? Did I do wrong? I guess these are the questions that this emotional roll a coaster of a night as brought to my feet...I couldn't sleep last night, and now I just have all these questions, regrets, and just plain out disappointment in myself for not seeing his pain earlier...
I don't know I guess it is just one of those bumps in the road that I have to over come, it just knocked the wind out of my sails, and now I sit here feeling like.. I really don't know.. Other then empty... And now I to am missing my fathers hugs, and love more then anything...I just don't know?????
((((Jozie)))) If it were me I do believe I would first pray on it and wait for HP to tell you what to do about the picture. Grieving is a healthy, natural part of life and something that we will all do or have done at one point or another, age doesn't prevent loss, so all ages have to deal with loss. The boy is fine, and doing what he needs to do........just let it go and let God:)
this too shall pass shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
How wonderful that your son feels safe enough to express his emotions to you. Having the picture out gives him a path to use when he needs to express them - it does NOT CAUSE the emotions. Having the picture out is fine. Have you shared with your son the wonderful memories from the day the picture was taken?
11 is on the cusp of becoming a young man, and he has already shown you that he understands more than you think. Talk to him honestly about alcoholism. Explain about it being a disease. Explain about the things that can happen like jaundice and organ failure, or whatever especially happened with pop-pop. Get him a copy of the alateen book "hope for children of alcoholics", which will apply as a grandchild too. You're not "protecting" him from anything by not having this conversation with him - just suggesting that it's not an ok topic.
Sounds like you have a lot to be proud of with this young man.
Questioning rights and wrongs and old resentments are fruitless, IMO. There's nothing you can do about what is done. It's over. You can however change everything from here on out. Your son is old enough to understand the disease of alcoholism and what it does to ones body. He is also old enough to understand that it is genetic and it can be a problem for anyone, no matter if they are a homeless street person or a brilliant professor. I agree with thinkstoomuch. Be honest and open and tell it like it is. Trying to sweep the truth under the rug leaves your boy vulnerable instead of protected.
I always stressed to my son, who grew up never seeing his Dad sober..That no matter what Dad did or said, his Dad loved him very much. He also understood alcoholism to be a disease very early in life. Now, my husband is his hero. Dad is 3 yrs. sober and my son is now 19. He understood and saw what it took for his Dad to overcome and has the utmost respect for him. Had I let my son form his own opinions of why Dad acted the way he did instead of informing him, things may be very different between them today.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
