The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I should know better than to let my A get to me. I am a drug and alcohol counselor in a residential facility. I have been married to an A for 5 years. He had 70 plus days of sobriety beginning Dec. 1 of 2008. On Valentines day it all started going sour. He is currently living an hour away. He phones so often some nights that I ended up changing my land line phone number. To punish me he turned off my cell phone. I mistakenly called him from my new cell phone. He has left 45 abusive messages in the last week. 15 last night. Today, he calls with the standard apologies and a request that I pay the mortgage. I spoke to him for a few minutes and hung up. He called back. He kept calling back. I refused to keep answering. Finally, I lost it. I allowed my temper to flare and I answered the phone and screamed at him. Nothing but venom came out of my mouth. I had been having a productive morning. Since, I blew up at him I have been having difficulty concentrating on anything. Monday is my one day off and every Monday he finds some way to destroy my plans. Correction. I allow him to destroy my plans. The reality is we will be probably be divorced in a year. It will be my second. I just needed someone to vent to. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I thank all of you for your posts. We have one al-anon meeting a week in our small area. Because of my job, I don't attend. No anonymity. So I rely on this site and tons of books.
Yeah, I hear you about the lack on anonymity. Its a real problem for many in smaller towns and areas.
I used to be married to an A who would leave up to 70 voice messages one right after the other. I would turn my mobile phone off and in the morning there would be 70 plus messages. Its really insane/crazy and I am glad that I no longer participate in that. I did for many years. Phone abuse. He loved it when I lost it and would scream. He absolutely lit up with joy when it happened face to face. It was the highlight of his life. So sick. The disease thrives on that stuff.
Vent all you want. I did and I do! We know exactly what you are talking about- its totally crazy-making! Hugs, J.
-- Edited by Jean4444 on Monday 16th of March 2009 06:32:58 PM
Thank you, Jean...It really does help to know that others have been down similar roads. I look forward to getting to know you and the other members better.
Yes it sounds as tho your could use some "down time" from the phone, I have an Abrother that would call me from jail all the time "On My Dime of course" and would cry like a baby and scream and it horrible... Resently I had my phone takin out at my house and now all I have it my cell, which they are not permitted to call cell phones, so when he goes to the next court day he can ruin someone elses day...
I think the next mon. I had off I would not have my phone.. :) I would leave it off or out of service till I got my wonderful day in... I am sure there is nothing pressing that you would have to hear from him..Seeing as how he finds a way to mess up the rest of your days as well...
Alcohol is def. a disease, I have seen many sides of my Afather before he past a couple months ago...I could never take my son around him in fear of him being "Drunk Pap pap, Or Sober Pap Pap" ya just didn't know till ya got there...You are right in your allowing him to ruin your day... Detach with Love my friend... I have been practicing this one my self and i must say...Once you get the hang of it, it truly is peaceful.... I only wish I could have found this place and my F2F meeting earlier in my life... Who knew there was such a place to come and share your troubles with people that accually "Get It" :)
I wish you nothing but happiness, and hope that you find away to make your life about YOU... and once you do that the rest will start to clear up... Being a counsler, i am sure you know that already, but this board was a HUGE help to me in my moments of panic and dispare... I am sure it will be the same for you... Keep searching for those meetings, one may surface at a local hospital or church even, or like I have been told... Start your own if ya can't find one... I am sure your not the only person in your town that would benifit from an Al-anon meeting....We all have moments of "Too Much" it is what we do to change them so we don't have to keep doing them over and over again... Someone once told me "Nothing Changes IF Nothing Changes"... One Day a A Time, Progress Not Perfection :)
Take what you like and leave the rest... Friends in Recovery Jozie....
My perfectionism makes me think I should know better too. "I've been with the program long enough, what's wrong with me...???"
Well, for one, I'm should-ing all over myself when I think like that. That's not the goal.
Unfortunately, we never get to graduate. I will always be a member of the human race. I will always be perfectly imperfect. For all my recovery education, my HP is going to continue to remind me that I will always need Him.
Every moment is another opportunity to begin again.
Welcome! I'm so glad you're with us. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 16th of March 2009 08:46:55 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
From one SA counselor (ret) to another...look and see if you got an off button with that cell phone where when you push it the phone doesn't work in or out. If it has one push it a couple of time and see if it works. Now comes the choices part (the hard part) what are your motivations to keep the phone "on" when it's painful rather than "off" when it's pain less? Addiction is as you already know a disease of compulsion...not only for the alcoholic/addict but also for their victims. I use to demonstrate that little option/choice to my clients and groups. It works wonders!
Once the phone goes dead the threat of attack from outside or from inside has time for the next "best right thing" ie., change the number again; put a block on his cell or other phone numbers; file a harrasment TRO; have your home recorder pick up your cell phone calls etc. Alternatives could be limitless but first there has got to be the pause from the cell phone being off.
I learned that answering the phone call was an enabling behavior...shudder to think of it.
There are no guarantees in this program. Anybody can allow themselves to be had. Its part of the work.
Speaking from experience (unfortunately) the way to turn the phone off is to go to airplane mode. There is generally an advanced mode on all phones that you can turn off completely when you are on airplane. When he starts the calling put it in that mode.
I understand completely the phone abuse. What I found essential was not to answer under any circumstances. I am completely finished with the ex A (nothing left to discuss) so that is an option for me. He still calls but does not leave a message. I never return the call.
I understand absolutely the frustration. I rarely answer the phone these days beause I can't do it on reflex. I have to check who it is first!
Keep coming here. You could go to meetings here, they are wonderful. The chat room here is also a great great resource.
((((Lost))))) Sounds to me like maybe unplugging the phone might be a good place to start taking care of you:)... It is easy to get caught up in the drama that comes from life with an A and get "sucked in" to loosing your composure. You did it, you realize it, and next time you will be better prepared when it happens. Please take care of you and find a way to take next Monday and make it all yours......even if it means a long drive or walk away from it all......
keep coming back shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Please dont be so hard on yourself, whatever our jobs are ( I too work with A's) we are still human and therefor feel and act like one
As for the phone thing. By answering the calls we are keeping ourselves enmeshed. I used to carry my mobile around all the time in case he called, even though I knew I didnt want any contact, and was trying to detach from him! Denial at its best.. We have a choice not to answer, hard I know. Detaching is hard and takes alot of practice.
As for meetings if you cant make the face to face ones, try the online meetings here. And keep posting it really does help.
Be gentle on yourself, next time you have a day off make it all about you. Your Worth It.
We all have slips, it allows us to get a stronger resolve & to learn that we can get our serenity back. Don't beat yourself up over it. Sure, maybe u needed to feel the pain of only being human, allowing him to ruin your good mood. It happened, let it go, realize ur only human, forgive yourself & dive back into your productive state.
A's can be extremely difficult to get disentangled from & the antics become more desperate. Stick to your boundaries. Next time if u want to vent at him, come here to the msg board or go to the chat room and share. YANA You are not alone. Being acoa & around alanon ffor 20 yrs, it has taken me a long time to step out of ego, give up the emotional confrontations - all the A's do is relish it & feed off of us - get back to focusing on you & ur serenity.
The site here has two daily mtgs in the chat room. The meetings are great & honestly, since I've been here the last 3.5 yrs, I have become much more honest with myself in al-anon, have shared about every subject or issue imaginable & feel I have true friends in cyber space ~ can't get more anonymous then that. Since coming here, my program & recovery from codependence & enabling has taken off.
I must say, fifteen calls in one day sounds rather stalkery ~ make sure you are safe from your A... have a plan & a few back up plans. I know my exAH threatened to kill me, my friends & family when I left him. I dropped off of the grid best I could, moving (he knew what city I was in) across the country & putting bills in names that were mis-spelled so I couldn't be tracked as easily. Rejection just seems to add new fuel to their already askewed perception of reality.
Something as simple as turing off the phone for certain hours of the day or a night can help u get some peace of mind. If you decide to stop taking his calls or set other boundaries & stick to them, you may begin to feel a lil more empowered, I know that is how it happened for me.
Good luck & welcome to our MIP family.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
