The material presented
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After almost 20 years and a 16 year year marriage to my recovering alcoholic husband I have finally reached a point where I can't do it anymore. I left him at the end of July. He has been sober over five years now and I remember how happy I was when he finally reached that low point that he had to hit before he could stop drinking. I was so sure that things were going to be totally different because alcohol was at the root of so many of our problems. I was right...things were totally different but not in the ways I expected. I was blown away to discover that my sober husband was NOT the same man I married. My sober husband was mean, cruel and uncaring. He was a man who loved to try to hurt me at every turn. He stopped drinking but what he did was trade one addiction for another. He can't function without attending an AA meeting every single night. At first I tried to be supportive of that but I soon realized that he was attending so frequently for the social aspect rather than the support the meetings offered. So he was still never home. The same behaviors continued...I was still on the outside. New behaviors emerged...mean, hurtful, very selfish, manipulative and often downright cruel. At times I wished he would go back to drinking just so I could have the man I fell in love with back again. It took a long time (I honestly think I knew a long time ago but refused to admit it), but I finally realized that I never really knew him at all. The man I fell in love with in truth doesn't exist because alcohol had total control over him and everything he did. Now that he's sober I've seen the kind of man he really is and I don't love that man. I could never love a man like him and I was spinning my wheels trying to fix everything. I'm not sure if it took as long as it did for me to finally realize what had happened and take action or if I realized it a long time ago but continued to fight for my marriage because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I suppose it really doesn't matter either way. What matters is that I finally did what was right for ME. Of course our children are and always have been a factor but I can't do right by them if I don't do right by me.
I do have some issues with our separation but I'm dealing with them the best I can. My daughter and I aren't in an ideal living situation. At almost 39 years old, I had to move back into my parents' house because my husband totally and completely left our finances in ruin and destroyed my credit so I have those issues to resolve before I can even think about getting an apartment let alone a house. My sons both chose to go with their dad, a choice I'm not happy with because I don't feel he provides enough supervision and their housing status is shaky at best, but the oldest is 18 and the other is almost 16. I have to respect their decision and hope for the best. It's tough for me. I've always been the primary caregiver and disciplinarian so suddenly not being able to make those decisions regarding my sons on a daily basis is a big change for me. It's not going to be easy by any means but I'm determined to turn things around. I may not be able to turn them around for my sons but I certainly can and will turn them around for me and my daughter.
I realize now that my husband's alcoholism didn't destroy my life...I LET it happen. I am done with that chapter of my life and ready to write a new one...a new chapter that doesn't include an alcoholic husband. There are certain behaviors of my own that I need to work on, things that are a result of living with an alcoholic for so long but I'm trying. For example, I tend to take personal responsibility for things that are not my fault because I learned to do that with him in order to avoid an argument. I have a hard time accepting compliments because I never feel that I deserve them after being made to feel less than worthy for years and years. I guess in many ways my self esteem is shot. People around me don't see it because I put up a good front, but I don't feel good about myself at all. Don't get me wrong, I feel alot better about myself now that I'm away from him but I'm a long way from the confident, fun person I used to be. I really need to work on my need to fix things. I've always been the one who tried to fix everything that was wrong even if I had no control at all over the issue. I guess that's just something else I learned to do because I was always trying to fix my husband. I've gotten much better at that in the last seven months but it's been a struggle...especially where my boys are concerned. Letting go has been the hardest part but I'm learning to do that...one day at a time.
you sound very clear on where you have been and what you are doing now. that is what I have heard, that there is no confusion but you come to a point where you know deep down what is the best next step. I am so proud of you for having the courage to change the things you can now that you know what you need to do for you and for your daughter.
when I started, I too felt I had lost all the "selfs" that I had a long, long time ago - I felt beat down mentally so that I was no longer self confident, had any self esteem, no energy to be a self starter etc. I think you have a lot more strength than you are giving yourself credit for - lots of confidence to accomplish all that you have done even when I know your heart strings sounded as your sons chose to not go along. Somethings work out the way they are intended to with hp's help and things may change and be best this way for now.
I like your affirmation: "I am done with that chapter of my life and ready to write a new one..." Go for it!! You are doing so well!!
I too was a fixer but the slogan "just see what happens" has helped me well and allowed me to see the work of hp - amazing! Keep coming back to post as there is lots of good insight here from others on this path.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
rio, Wow! I was so touched by your posting. I have been struggling for over 2 yrs with an AH who sounds similar to your ex. And I have been struggling with what the next step is. I think I have to hit my bottom in order to get out and be free. I am sometimes amazed at how low my bottom really is. I have gone through so much trying to fix things which I know I never can. Would finances have gotten to be the worst it ever has and yes he does not drink right now which I too thought was the whole problem only to find out it's not. He is still who he is and I can not ever change that. I have to accept responsibility for what I have contributed and I need to figure out why my bottom is so low when i deserve so much better. I am so happy you have found peace and your HP will help you though your next chapter. I comment you for the posting and being able to move to your next chapter. Best wishes and thank you for writing I needed to hear that:)
After almost 20 years and a 16 year year marriage to my recovering alcoholic husband I have finally reached a point where I can't do it anymore. I left him at the end of July. He has been sober over five years now and I remember how happy I was when he finally reached that low point that he had to hit before he could stop drinking. I was so sure that things were going to be totally different because alcohol was at the root of so many of our problems. I was right...things were totally different but not in the ways I expected. I was blown away to discover that my sober husband was NOT the same man I married. My sober husband was mean, cruel and uncaring. He was a man who loved to try to hurt me at every turn. He stopped drinking but what he did was trade one addiction for another. He can't function without attending an AA meeting every single night. At first I tried to be supportive of that but I soon realized that he was attending so frequently for the social aspect rather than the support the meetings offered. So he was still never home. The same behaviors continued...I was still on the outside. New behaviors emerged...mean, hurtful, very selfish, manipulative and often downright cruel. At times I wished he would go back to drinking just so I could have the man I fell in love with back again. It took a long time (I honestly think I knew a long time ago but refused to admit it), but I finally realized that I never really knew him at all. The man I fell in love with in truth doesn't exist because alcohol had total control over him and everything he did. Now that he's sober I've seen the kind of man he really is and I don't love that man. I could never love a man like him and I was spinning my wheels trying to fix everything. I'm not sure if it took as long as it did for me to finally realize what had happened and take action or if I realized it a long time ago but continued to fight for my marriage because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I suppose it really doesn't matter either way. What matters is that I finally did what was right for ME. Of course our children are and always have been a factor but I can't do right by them if I don't do right by me.
I do have some issues with our separation but I'm dealing with them the best I can. My daughter and I aren't in an ideal living situation. At almost 39 years old, I had to move back into my parents' house because my husband totally and completely left our finances in ruin and destroyed my credit so I have those issues to resolve before I can even think about getting an apartment let alone a house. My sons both chose to go with their dad, a choice I'm not happy with because I don't feel he provides enough supervision and their housing status is shaky at best, but the oldest is 18 and the other is almost 16. I have to respect their decision and hope for the best. It's tough for me. I've always been the primary caregiver and disciplinarian so suddenly not being able to make those decisions regarding my sons on a daily basis is a big change for me. It's not going to be easy by any means but I'm determined to turn things around. I may not be able to turn them around for my sons but I certainly can and will turn them around for me and my daughter.
I realize now that my husband's alcoholism didn't destroy my life...I LET it happen. I am done with that chapter of my life and ready to write a new one...a new chapter that doesn't include an alcoholic husband. There are certain behaviors of my own that I need to work on, things that are a result of living with an alcoholic for so long but I'm trying. For example, I tend to take personal responsibility for things that are not my fault because I learned to do that with him in order to avoid an argument. I have a hard time accepting compliments because I never feel that I deserve them after being made to feel less than worthy for years and years. I guess in many ways my self esteem is shot. People around me don't see it because I put up a good front, but I don't feel good about myself at all. Don't get me wrong, I feel alot better about myself now that I'm away from him but I'm a long way from the confident, fun person I used to be. I really need to work on my need to fix things. I've always been the one who tried to fix everything that was wrong even if I had no control at all over the issue. I guess that's just something else I learned to do because I was always trying to fix my husband. I've gotten much better at that in the last seven months but it's been a struggle...especially where my boys are concerned. Letting go has been the hardest part but I'm learning to do that...one day at a time.
Thank you for sharing Rio well done it's really nice to see how far yo have come and are now able to let go. The strength am feeling from you is very strong.
It really put my current situation in perspective as I am too a newcomer working hard on letting go which find very difficult to do with ABF'S I continue to get involved with then struggle to detach from. You said summat very important that rung true to me. My husbands alcohoLisms didn't destroy my life I LET it happen.
I to take blame on myself for faults that are not solely mine but the work of two people together not in the right place to deal with emotions that relationships throw up.
Onwards and upwards Rio thanks for sharing your courage to change the things you can Hugs****
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Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
Welcome to the MIP family. Your clarity about the situation is wonderful and your goals admirable. You are in the right place to accomplish the healthy way of living you desire. Let go of the blame you have for yourself, you did the best you could do with what you had. I too fully admit that I lived through the hell with my exA because I chose to - that is a fact. It has helped me to stop blaming him - but I have also forgiven myself. I worked the program and spent a lot of time looking at the cycles in my life and where they stemmed from. When I started to understand why I was making certain choices - I was able to forgive myself and my self confidence grew. I then had to learn how to put into action new behaviors to stop these cycles.
My analogy is going from one room in my house to the next in the dark. Each time I would do this I would painfully stub my toe on something. Finally - tired of the pain - I turned on the light and saw the furniture I had placed there that was in my path. I can't be mad at the furniture, I put it there. The first step is turning on the light. The second is not beating myself of for putting the furniture in that spot. The third - move the furniture...but remember to keep turning the light on so I can see what I am doing and what is in my path.
I admire your strength and your cohesive thought process. After my split I was a crazy woman.
We look forward to getting to know you and sharing your ES&H.
Tricia
I loved this way of looking at the first three step I've written it down and will use it in my daily reading. Thank you for your inspiration Tricia.
Good point also on the point of blame as I am much better at forgiving others than forgiving myself which leads to a barrel load of blame piled onto myself. It is sooo true that when I use MY choice options rather than sitting put that's where my confidence grows when facing the fears I once thought I could not get out of.
I too lived with an active alcoholic for 11 years and left him 2 years ago to start MY life as I realised then I have a choice to stay for HIM or leave for ME.
Hugs
chezza
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Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
You have made big changes to get were you are and I am sure the strength it took to get you their should be seen within you...I am glad that you removed yourself from a mean person and started looking out for you... I am sure as your sons grow into men, they will see what all you have done for them and still stay close... If I was to offer any of my ESH from this it would be not to bash their father, not even to your daughter, that always back fires... My mother went thru hell with my Afather, but she never said a cross word and let us kids get our own opionion of him with out the added input on her feeling of him... I am very grateful my mother did this for us, and I can tell you that since I lost my Afather to alcohol 4 months ago, I am blessed that she didn't not put us kids in the middle...
You are making your steps to a new life, so hold your head up and be proud of what you have made it thru... We all have hurdles, and you are doing great to over come all your past pain... So keep up the great work, and keep coming back... It is story's like yours that give others hope of finding their way out as well...
Thanks so much everyone. Another issue I need to work on is second guessing myself and I've been doing alot of that lately. I haven't filed for a divorce yet and the last few weeks I've been asking myself if the real reason for that really is the simple fact that at this point in time I can't afford a lawyer like I've told my family. I started to wonder if I haven't done it because somewhere deep down I think I made the wrong choice in leaving. I know it really is the money. When I think of him I honestly feel nothing. If it makes any sense at all, it's almost as if he was never part of my life because of the fact that I never knew him for who he really is at all. The man I fell in love with and married simply doesn't exist. I can't imagine ever being with him again. I simply can not see myself ever being able to live with a man like that ever again.
I am guilty of saying things against him to my kids but I do try hard not to. I can say I've never said anything against him regarding his alcoholism, rather I praise him for having the strength to get that part of his life on track, but every so often something will slip out regarding other issues before I even realize that I've said it. All I can say to that is that I'm only human and even though I make a concious effort to not do it, I will make mistakes. Luckily for me, my kids all understand what their father is and what he has done. I believe in being truthful and if any of them ask me a question, they will get an honest answer. I try to answer in a way that I'm not berating him, but often the truth isn't pretty.
To give credit where it's due, at ages 16 and 18, both of my sons are also in a program. This is due to the fact that my oldest started to see much of his dad in himself and he didn't want to go down the same road. With the support of his dad, he started attending meetings and within a couple of months he was chairing them. When my younger son saw that his brother was very serious about straightening up he went to my husband and told him about things he was doing. He started attending meetings as well and I'm confident that they're well on their way down the right path. All I can do is pray and hope that they stay on it.
As for my daughter and me, my next step is to obtain a divorce and get my finances back on track. From there we can move out of my parents' house and get on with our lives. It's my hope to move down south within the next year. Who knows if that will happen? All I can do is keep plugging along and let what is meant to be happen.
Just a suggestion as you look for change and relief from the current situation? As a "first thing first"? Get "into" the program with face to face meetings, as many as you can over the next 90 days and listen especially to the "old timers" and what it was like for them, what they learned and what they do now. This program with commitment will help you turn on the light not only to see the furniture but also the person you are that you are taking from room to room. That's just a simple metaphor for taking the old me into a new time. I found that many of the things I had to change about myself had nothing to do with the alcoholic I was married to or the disease I was born into. In recovery I have learned about the choice of "swapping addictions" the meeting for the bottle and I was warned very well by a well known AA speaker and conference giver about that. His name was Father Martin and he warned all alcoholics he spoke to about that. In spite of what the alcoholic did or did not do for her sobriety or drinking I had to recognize and admit to and then change those things that I also did inspite of her. Getting "into" the program before I made any decisions regarding the alcoholic or because of the alcoholic was the focusing and taking responsibility of myself for myself and for the way I chose to live my life. It was a very difficult way to look at the picture because my alcoholic use to grab all the focus it seemed however I found I used that as a coverup for me.
If you are not already "in" the program...I started with the hotline number in the white pages of my local phone book. Are there any meetings in your area? look in the book.
I can definitely relate to the bittnerness, anger, betrayal and more in your post. I can also relate to doing it all alone. In al anon I've learned new skills, one of them is detachment. Detachment helps me to stop taking everything personally. I did. I'm also over responsible for othes and udner respnsible for myself. Harriet Lerner has helped me with that. I'm in therapy, are you? there are lots of low cost therapy places. I can well understand divorce is an expensive proposition. A plan be helped me a great deal when I was leaving the A. Incidentally I'm two years out and still absolutely financially devasted, emotionally I'm on a much more even keel. I may be financially devastated for 7 years or more.
You are doing so well!! 
