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My husband and I went to se his grandmother in a nursing home for the first time. she is really losing it. She has alzheimer's and not doing well at all. He then went to band practice and he got home at about 10:45 or so. I was asleep. I noticed that he had gotten in bed when I got up with the baby at 1am but was not in bed at that time. I proceeded to take care of Gracie and then I went downstairs to see what he was doing and I found him just sitting by himself doodling. So, I went back to bed with no worries that he was drinking my parents beer.
Well, I got up with the baby this morning and my mother brought this to my attention. She said not that I was looking but 3 more beers are missing Bud light, Yeuingling, and ultra amber. All I said or could say was ok.
I just don;e know what to do....? Do I mention it to him for him just to get mad about it all and ruin our weekend? Or do I leave it alone and just let him do it. I just know that if I say something it will not fix anything so why bring an argument on myself? I know his excuse will be I am stressed about my grandma? But my thought is I know and I am sorry but this is not your beer to drink and I have told you on more than a few occasions!
I think the drama with your Grandma is making your already stressful life harder. It's tough watching someone you love fade away, and with the alcholism, it's even worse. I think what I would do with your husband stealing beers it might just be simpler to ask "Is there something you would like for me to do Mom?" I mean, you both know who's taking the beers and why. So it doesn't do anyone any good to pick fights and charge. If you're clearer with what your mom wants you to do with the situation, ten you know for yourself what needs to happen. I think it might also be wise to say directly to mom, "I think you'll want to talk to my husband about your concerns." Since he's the one stealing the beer, he's the one that needs to be accountable. This is their fight, not yours.
You know that is what I want to do make them sort it all out but I know how my husband is....! He will get defensive and then they will argue and then he will be very disrespectful! Then, that will cause huge problems with everyone. He will be told he can't live there then what am I to do! I want him to have to face up to the truth and the problems but that will not help my life at all. It will cause tension with in my relationship with my mother and stepfather.
Hi Shell I am sorry about your husband's grandmother. That is indeed stressful. Tigers suggestions were right on but I see you have already been down that road and know the outcome.
You KNOW you are powerless over your husband's behavior.If the beer is in the house he will drink it.
If confronted he will become defensive cause drama (in your parent's home) and you will both be told to leave. Your parent's know this too.
You have come here attempting to find answers to this dreadful problem and you are in the right place.
Try talking to your mother, acknowledge that there is a problem and you are seeking help. Explain that you understand that this is their home, and that they deserve to be respected. That you cannot control your husband and his behavior, if beer is there he will drink it. Then, as Tiger suggest ask what they would like for you to do?
You know you need help. This situation is unmanageable. Please make every effort to get to meetings, read the literature, get a sponser and keep coming back and sharing. YOu need to find tools that will enable you and your family to live in peace.
thank you and I think you are right. I will talk with my mother this weekend. I kinda don't want to tell her that I am trying to seek help without him knowing. She will become infuriated and might say something to him about not allowing me to go to meetings. she told me to get help last summer and I said i will think about it. So with this coming to the surface she may cause a problem.. this is a woman that is very vocal and will hold grudges forever and will be very judgmental. I am just afraid that if he does get better she will still hold all of this against him.. I am dealing with my husband and then I will have to deal with a mother that does not recognize that I am 27 almost 28yrs old sometimes. She also uses guilt and other tactics to control me. She has always been that way and most of the time she doesn't even know she is doing it. I do know she loves me more than life itself and would do anything to protect me including killing my husband! haha! just joking...or am i?
I agree with the others - my wise old sponsor, when I would ask something similar, would simply ask me.... "and doing this would accomplish exactly WHAT?"
His point, was I was just getting deeper & deeper enmeshed in her disease, rather than focussing on me.... When you think about it, it is kinda ludicrous that we contemplate & stew over whether or not to "confront" them with the truth.... When they are in their disease, they will lie about it, or turn it back onto you somehow, so there really IS no value...
Take care, and keep working on you...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know you are concerned for yourself, but you simply aren't doing anyone (including yourself) any favors by trying to juggle everyone's feelings and reactions.
Your husband is accountable for drinking the beer. Your parents are adults and are capable of telling him their wishes. Have you checked back at your previous post? You had several more responses.
You can't control your Mom's grudges, nor your husband's disrespect for their rules. I agree with Tiger. Mom is talking to the wrong person. The problem is between them. You can refuse to stay in the middle. Mother may attempt to use guilt and control, but you have a choice to take it on or not.
You are like the guy that spins all the plates on the sticks, and the people are the plates. You are running all over the place to keep them spinning and save them from crashing. You will exhaust yourself and ultimately the other people will crash anyway.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
With all due respect, it's between the two of them, not you. To me, I wouldn't waste my time with it. All of you are under a great deal of stress. Why add more to it? If his mother wants to confront him, she will. Don't invite extra stress on you when you can don't have to. I know it's frustrating, but let sleeping dogs lie. It might bite the hand. I'm sorry about your grandmother. I know how hard that can be. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn on Saturday 14th of March 2009 07:23:08 AM
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
