The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My DH is an alcoholic. We have had significant problems for almost 10 years. No physical abuse, but extremely draining. He has been in therapy on and off, and lately because I demand it. We have been married for almost 20 years. I am 46. He is 58. I am ready to leave the marriage. He lies about how much he drinks to me and to the therapist. He has been doing this for quite some time, and is quite clever about it. I no longer let on to all that I know - because then he becomes more clever about hiding it. I look in the trash for receipt evidence and can often confirm what I know. See I work, he won't. He takes money from 'our' investment/savings acct ($$ from a medical injury many yrs ago) to pay for his half of the expenses. He has been to a sleep away rehab center for a week, was sober for a year and then promptly ruined our vacation by drinking excessively (until he was almost always sick) for most of the vecation.
I am ready to leave this marriage, but I am afraid that I wll get the bad end of the legal stick, and have to lose what I am saving for retirement and possibly even have to pay 'alimony'. I have a good job. No kids. 2 cats, 2 dogs that I will fight severely for. In fact I make sure that I pay all of their expenses out of my personal account so that I have proof that I am the primary caretaker. I think 3/4 are in my name ayway. I envision horrible legal battles, and yet to have a happy future, I am willing to go back on my own.
I deserve more.
He openly lies to me about his drinking and has other crutches-
Another huge pain is that he spends easily $100 on PPV cable porn per month. I could care less about the porn, but there is no fiscal responsibility here. When he burns thru the investment $$, and he has to depend upon me, I will surely leave. Iwill not support him. So why shouldn't I do that now? Why do I stick around? I like the house (well parts of it). It will be difficult for me to find a pet friendly home that I can afford. If I stay, can I bypass the 50/50 split crap and 'win' in the end? These are all questons that run thru my mind.
I'm a mess. I've put on soooo much weight. I am taking control of that now.
I need to know how to deal with this. How to manage my life. I saw the therapist, but we only talked about DH. I don't have a sense that this therapist can help *me*. I don't plan to see him unless we do couples work, and that is so far away - I don't want to be with DH as a couple, not until he can prove that he is sincere in his efforts, which he's not at all.
Can I call him out to friends and family? he has told me to not discuss things with his brother (Somehow the brother told him (innocently) something that I apparently should not have shared). I have 'permission' to discuss with my brother, but I stopped him dead in his tracks when I mentioned that I might leave DH. How can I add to the burden of his life, my sh!t?
Ah, so much for a 1st post. I'm glad I found you. I hope it helps. I really need to know how to manage this, live with this, to know what I'm allowed to do.
20 yrs ago, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I've threatened to leave 3-4 times, so he's calling my bluff. I'll take the pets and leave if I have to. I'm too young, and I deserve more.
From one newbie to another welcome. I am not sure I can answer any of your questions but I can relate so don't feel alone. My ABF also refuse to drink as much as he does. One other thing that you said is also what me come to the realization that he was an alcoholic was the fact I could not say anything to anyone either. That is one reason I found this message board. I to needed to talk about it. I think the reason my ABF does not want me to talk to anyone about how much he drinks is he does not want to admit he is an Alcoholic and it would embarese him. But since he can not give me a real reason and not really sure but feel this is why. Keep comming back Tia keep reading other stories and all I can say is believe in yourself you are stronger than you think. Wendy
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
From one newbie to another welcome. I am not sure I can answer any of your questions but I can relate so don't feel alone. My ABF also refuses to say how much he really drinks One other thing that you said is also what me come to the realization that he was an alcoholic was the fact I could not say anything to anyone either. That is one reason I found this message board. I to needed to talk about it. I think the reason my ABF does not want me to talk to anyone about how much he drinks is he does not want to admit he is an Alcoholic and it would embarese him. But since he can not give me a real reason and not really sure but feel this is why. Keep comming back Tia keep reading other stories and all I can say is believe in yourself you are stronger than you think. Wendy
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
Hi, and welcome to MIP.... ABF is "alcoholic boyfriend".... In response to your post - yes, you DO deserve better, and I'd suggest Al-Anon is the way to get you there - to get YOU healthier with everything....
"Outing" him serves absolutely no purpose, in my opinion. Don't lie for him, or cover up for him, but intentially "ratting him out to the world" is simply not good for you, him, or anyone else.
I hope you keep coming back... there are tons of good people here.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You are in the right place, I was you 5 years ago. I worked AH did not and he controlled the finances etc and drank until he passed out EVERY day...I found this site, shared, grew, became confident and made my way out of the hole in the sidewalk. Please, stick around, alanon changes lives and WE get better..... I went from overweight by 85 pounds (eating to cope) to a triatlete and very self possesed.....change is scarey but can happen...
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I lost everything in my marriage but I got ME back and I can get all that materials stuff back if I want it. I think it all turned out for the best. Clean slate. Keep coming back- Jean
Welcome. I am new here too. I left my alcoholic and drug addicted boyfriend on Saturday and am trying to figure out how to re-build my life. Like you, the community here has made me feel less alone, and is giving me the courage to look towards the future, no matter how difficult it is.
I don't have any advice to offer you, as I am very much in the thick of it myself. One thing you said, though, really struck a chord. My boyfriend, too, tried to control what I shared with other people about his addiction, even objecting to me talking about it with my own friends and family. I was very much complicit in maintaining a front of solidarity with him, even (and especially) in front of people who loved me. And one effect that had was to isolate me and make me feel completely alone. I don't think you should expose your husband in front of his family and friends, but I also don't think that you should let his desire for privacy get in the way of you getting the support you need from people who care about you. And I think that coming here is a good first step.
Take care of yourself. You absolutely deserve more.
I was married to my AH for 26 years. I stayed in it so long because of my fear of economic security. I am divorced now and things are indeed different, I may have to move in with my sister to another state when the house forecloses. Just for today, I accept that this is what has to happen for me to grow spiritually.... 100% TRUST in my Higher Power. For all the material losses, I have gained much more spiritually.
It's nice to be in a relationship with the One who owns the Universe!!! Keep coming back, there are miracles awaiting.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
(((((deserve more))))) First of all-yes you do-deserve more:) Secondly welcome to MIP! There was a post on the boards several weeks ago-if you search back-from a lady who was going through a similiar struggle as yours and it was a real eve opener as far as finances go. As for the rest. The first thing you will learn here is to take care of you and put the focus back on you and your mental and physical well being. If you don't take care of you you will be no good to anyone or anything. Try to find a F2F meeting in your local area and attend at least 6 before making any decisions. They will tell you there to wait at least 6mths before you make any big life changing decisions. Also continue to come here and post, go to some online meetings and get your hands on and read any literature you can. You need to learn what you are dealing with. Most importantly-KEEP COMING BACK:)
your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thank you so much for your caring and words of encouragement! It brought tears to my eyes. I know that I am not the only one to face this problem, but it feels so good to be able to talk about it. I may not post often right now, but I will definitely stick around and I want to spend some times reading other posts and settling in.
10 years is the point where alimony comes into question. I do not know of many people who are able to work who get alimony for too long. Many of us have been through nasty separations. Yes it can be very nasty. So is staying. One thing I did was to make a plan be. A plan be is looking at what you need where you to separate. The plan makes it easier to detach. My plan be was incredibly rudimentary.
I did leave, its been two years now. One year of it I was still in touch with the ex. Is my life fine, far from it. I did manage to get a lot of help. It is possible.
Detachment is the first skill I'd recommend to anyone who is in the midst of this kind of relaitonship. You can get a primer at www.coping.org.
