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In the beginning of last month, I went to court with my children's father to modify our child custody order. My children's father suffers from alcoholism. I've never known anyone so dependent on alcohol in my life. I was hoping that the judge would order that his visists with the children be supervised. When in mediation, the mediator smelled the alcohol on his breath and I presented her with my evidence of his 2 dui's. We agreed that he could see the children unsupervised on Wednesdays for 2 hours and Saturdays from 10-2. He was ordered to go to a drug/alcohol evalution by the 15th of this month which he has failed to do. Tomorrow will be the final day to do so because tomorrow is the last working day before the 15th. Last Saturday, when I picked my children up from their visit, they ran out to my car alone telling me that their father would not wake up and had been drinking. I went to the police and He was arrested. We go back to court on the 24th of March and I'm wondering what I should seek...(supervised visits, or that he get the help he needs before seeing the children again). My children are 5 and 9. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could better explain the reason why they may not be able to see their father anymore?
Welcome to MIP. Good work looking out for your kids! Mine are 9-1/2, 8 and 6. There have been months when they haven't seen their father. I've been honest with them and simply said Daddy's sick, and he can't see you until he's better. I have sole custody, with visitation at my discretion, and if he's drinking, they aren't visiting.
Your 9 year old is probably old enough to understand the Alanon book "What's 'Drunk,' Mama?" My older daughter read it for the first time last year, and I think my son will be ready soon.
The best thing you can do for your kids is to take care of yourself. They need one parent they can count on. Keep coming back.
Thier father is sick... He has a disease, not a contagous one but one still in the same... Children will adjust to what ever their mother is comfortable with, as long as you keep your cool and explain things "WHEN THEY ASK" then things will be good. Or at least easier...
My son lost his real father when he was killed in a car wreck when my son was 8months old... My husband has raised him since the day he was born, I was so worried that my son would be devistated about the loss of his bio father, and ask my doctor what to do about it, he told me to let him know of him, and mention him in photos so that he knew WHO he was, but not to add much to the conversation UNLESS HE ASK ME... Even if I have to think of a response, take a minute or two and tell him you will get back to him, and that is what I did...
Its tough, and I know because my father was an alcoholic, and my mom left him when I was 9, my sister 14 and my brother 3... His drinking kept us out of it, because he chose to drink instead of get his kids because he DIDN"T want the responsibilty of keep'n an eye on us... I AM GLAD HE DIDN'T...You may find that your XA could be the same...
Your oldest, will be more in tune as to what is going on, don't lie to him, but don't give him details, just explain from your heart... My mom NEVER bad mouthed my father even after all the Wrong that he did... NEVER, even when she was spit fire mad at him she never said a cross word "To us kids", he was still our father, and reguardless of his illness, he still had a part of bringing me here...
This gave me a chance to have my own opionion of my Afather, I can't say it has been an easy ride but I can tell you that my father was ill...Very ill, alcohol took him from me, not even 3 months ago, be gentle to your children, and notice when they are missing their dad, and if contact is not an option. See if you can get them to speak to him on the phone... That always helped me...If he is uncapible of that then do the best you can to smooth it over, and just love them more and give them time they will adjust...
I can't tell you what to do, No One Can.. .what you do is your journey in this world...Love your children, and do the best you can...But live in the NOW not the "What If" because when you are dealing with A's, there is always going to be "what ifs" So keep a good grip on your program, and it would benifit you to find some F2F Meetings to attend, so that you have the support that you need, other then just here...Keep coming back here, their are alot of us going thru the same things so keep up the good work...
Take what you like and leave the rest, because we are here to support, learn and grow...I hope that i have helped..Or at least gave you something to think about...
Keeping you and your children in my prayers.... Friends in Recovery Jozie
The most important people in this whole mess are your children , protect them at all times . You have already tried the forced sobriety it didn't work . Its time he paid the concequences of his actions , children cannot save themselves ,thats your job . Louise
I had problems with my ex over many years. I did have supervised visits imposed with a proffesional company. They are very expensive so there is minumal contact. These proffesionals saw the problems and wrote reports that verified my statements. The visits can then be stopped because you made a good faith effort to not deny contact. It's coming from a different source. Don't agree to friends or family doing the visits. They will not be able to control your ex. I know how scary this must be for you.
I have done some looking into this on my own. The success rate of sobriety after forced treatment is not very good. That might be something you want to know when trying to make your decision. Be strong and be the adult there for your children because you XA cannot be that right now. Good luck!
(((((MM)))))) I can only speak for what I would do if I was in that situation with my child. I know now well enough that me trying to force anyone, or have anyone forced to seek treatment is not going to help them or me. When I feared for my son's safety with being alone with his father I asked for supervised visitations and was granted them-not that his father has ever even saw him, but my main priority was protecting my son and looking out for his best interest. We can never make anyone stop or slow down drinking and therapy or treatment centers only help if the A wants and has a desire to change his/her life. Without that it won't matter. Please take care of you and keep coming back your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
No matter what you're going to feel guilty. I tell my kids that their dad is sick and that's why he can't see them. I am just now in a position of having him be out of prison and available to them again and struggling myself with whether to let him see them or not. I don't think it's in their best interest. I think that I will have to see a long stretch of clean, sober, crime free behavior before I allow that again. As they get older I tell them the truth more and more, about using alcohol and drugs and what it does to your life. All you can do is make the best decision you can with what you know right now. If my kids came out and told me daddy was drunk and wouldn't wake up I think that would be the last time he saw them until he had been clean and sober for 3-6 months. Even then I would let them meet somewhere in a public place like the beach or mall, he doesn't come to my house or know where I live and he can't drive so that puts the burden on me. It's not my job to make him be a dad or help him be a dad. I know if he was getting dope he'd find a ride to wherever he had to. Right now I have sole custody of our son with visitation at my discretion and that works for me. I think that is the best way to go because I don't have any ill will toward him but my son's safety is number one. I don't want to set him up to be hurt. I don't want to send him to see his dad when it doesn't benefit him in any way and only benefits the A. That's my 2 cents.
