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My ex A got out of prison last week and his mother has been harrassing me to let him see the kids, talk to the kids, etc. I don't really trust myself on this issue so I talked with all of my friends and family and they all say the same thing - why bring him back into their lives... I have enough problems without adding that... etc. So why is it that when I have to say no I feel like a big B? Thinking deeper on the subject, I feel that way most of the time with my kids having to be the hard ass since I left him - I always got to be the "good one" when he was there.
Now dealing with his mom... I have gotten messages, calls, emails - please call him... now it's please at least let him talk to the kids... We usually get along really well... I sent her a really blunt email saying I want to watch and see what he's going to do... this is between me and him and doesn't involve you... etc. So why do I feel like a big B whenever I have to be firm, stand my ground, be assertive, say no, etc.
From what I remember you had an overinvolved relationship with his mother. I think those are some of the most difficult to extricate yourself from, there is some "good" in them. Of course you feel bad saying no to this woman. What's the rush isn't he going to be out of jail for a while. Obviously she feels very sorry for him. The issue is he wasn't paralyzed in jail, he could have written sent cards, sent letters. He didn't.
When you've been over invovled in the past and set limits of course people shout and scream they are not used to it. His campaigns have won in the past, why wouldn't they win now. After all he comes first doesn't he? His mother knows no boundaries why take it personally.
Carolinagirl, you are in a tough spot for sure.....protecting your kids is a priority....I have 2 kids who everyone advised me to NEVER let their father be involved as he wasnt a "good" man. His mother at one point loved me to death until i started setting boundaries. What i did, against family advise was to allow the x to see the kids but under my rules ....1) someone i trusted was to be present at all times 2) the kids could not go anywhere with him alone until he proved over time he would be sober and also no criminal activity 3) He was never kept from calling or writing the kids and was still allowed to do so.
Well, long story short...he made the effort twice to see them under the rules. He called for a month every Sunday at a set time and then it become to much for him so he disapeared from their lives all together.
My kids, are a young teenagers now and know I never kept them from their father, but placed rules to keep them safe. I allowed him to show his true colors to the kids and they made their own minds up based on him, not on me. They have nothing to do with him to this day and when a rare drunken call or email comes they ignore it. By doing what i did, my kids can not blaame me for not having a relatonship with their dad..
Not in anyway telling you what to do, just throwing out that sometimes kids are smarter then we give them credit for, keep your babies safe at all costs....and remember no one can judge you for being the best mom you can be...:)
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
Saying no to an xmother-in-law can be tough! That dynamic is one that even healthy relationships have problems with. If it is the kids father that wants so badly to see the kids, why isn't he asking? If it were me, I'd tell her. Sure, just as soon as he asks and follows whatever requirements you might want to put together. It should shut her up... or at least if you respond, that way over and over again you are not saying "no" you are saying "yes" under these conditions and he has to want to really see the kids. His mom could also be yelling at him that he needs to see the kids and although it is sad, he may not have any interest in bringing them into his life at this point.
Putting up boundaries when it is a weak point in yourself can be tough. I know only too well. I didn't want my mother in law to touch my laundry or do laundry when I was in the middle of it - while she was visiting. And on several occasions I blew up at the whole situation. Finally, I prayed and prayed and prayed about it and then all of the sudden we were in a situation where I could face giving her that boundary. And the words just came to me. So perhaps if you look to your HP you might just find the right words coming out of your mouth at the right time.
Good luck, I know it must be very stressful, so hang in there!
I think you feel like the "B" because we like people to like us, and, the feeling is, that if you were able to please your mother in law, she would like you. The thing is, like the other people have said, even if you were to make her happy, which is like, totally impossible, she would find something to be unhappy about and take it out on you. Really, the fact that you're dealing with her son's issues and she isn't makes her nuts. As long as you were crazy she could con you. Now that you're not crazy, she can't con you and it's making her deal with her. I'm with the others. Your kids have come a long way since they've had to deal with their father being out of their life. They've had issues, but more important, you've learned how to handle them. Bringing back such an insane person into the mix, however, and all the progress will be lost. I support you in standing your ground. I think you've made too much progress to allow your MIL to get to you now. Keep up the great work and you're going to go much further.
