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Hi, ive posted a few times here about my AH who has just left me, via phone call from abroad 6 weeks ago. He is in Uk now and weve talked on phone (nearly killed me) and emailed (very unloving but "kind" emails). He has organised himself to get what few things he wanted from house, cos I said I didnt want to see him. Just before he left to go abroad he had really started spiralling out of control with his drinking, become very distant with me, almost not here just physically..had become very arrogant and rude to people when drunk, much more so than before he stopped drinking for six months with AA, it seemed to have exacerbated it. But the thing I hate is that hes left me, his dog, his home, his business which will flounder now as a builder he got work by word of mouth. Hes giving his car to his brother, given all his clothes to charity, but agreed to store his tools and personal things, obviously his clothes mostly bought by me over the years were not wanted. Hes flying back to a tiny island for indefinite period on sunday. He wont see his children, 3 from two ex partner/wives whom he also left. His youngest daughter came here every other weekend for 7 years, it was her home away from home and she loved being here, hes taken that away from her and she loved our dog very much. His sister says he isnt thinking about the children and that all the family know he is just running away. The thing is he is acting as if he has some grand plan, not just going to where he can drink and meet new people with no expectations and nothing to come back to...He is so organised, calm, collected, seems clear headed, having no trouble maintaining his decision of 6 weeks ago that he didnt love me as a husband should love a wife, although why that meant he had to up sticks, get rid of everything and run away I dont know. It doesnt feel like hes running away but i know he is, his family know he is..he says he understands how it must look to me, its as if he is the most sober organised man in the world, this is not the person who left this house in january...all he wanted to do by then was drink and i wasnt going to stop him. He told me before he went that we would go on hols together when he got back, his trip was a work thing (sort of), he bought a brand new bed and mattress and various other things and talked about what he would do when he got back which was go to AA......does anyone relate to this. Kind regards. Lilly
I had similar complaints and when I use to talk about my problem it was always about what she was doing or not doing and acting and not acting and saying and not saying and "she this and she that and..."
It wasn't long after I did that for a while that a man who later became my sponsor asked me, "Okay now that we all know about what she is or isn't doing or the like, What are you doing about you?" That's when I really got into program beause I didn't have an answer for me at that time. Now I do and I pretty much like what I have done to change me while being absolutely clueless about what the alcoholic in my life is doing.
I am responsible for my life and how it comes out. I was taught that and I do believe it completely.
You can start on you any time you want to. It won't be easy. It will be very worth it.
((((Lilly)))) I really wish I had some ESH that would make your situation seem better. My experience has shown me that we have no way of knowing why they do the things they do, and what causes them to act the way they do. We can either make ourselves sicker and crazier obsessing over the What if's and Whys, or we can focus on our selves and finding the serenity that HP wants for all of us in this life. I realized a couple of months into the break up with my EXABF, that there are answers I more than likely will not ever have, and today I am ok with that.......Today I realize first and foremost that what I don't know can NOT hurt me. You've been hurt enough. Bring the focus back to you. Decide what you can do to make things better for YOU.
Please keep coming back......we love you here:) your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Of course you feel abandoned, lost and confused. The issue is obsessing about him is just prolonging the agony. You need the company of peope who've bee there done that and survived. Dive into recovery. I sank for 7 years with an Ex A. Now I am so glad I'm out of it. I'm so glad I no longer have to obsess about anything but where I am going next.
Hi Lilly - I don't mean to make this sound easy or unfeeling - but yep, you're right - he's done all that....
The more you are able to focus on YOU and what you want/need to do, and reduce the focus on him, and what he has done, hasn't done, should have done, etc.,, the sooner you will be able to be at peace with all of this....
In the immortal words of my wise old sponsor - "It isn't good nor bad, it simply is."
He will either drink (or use, leave, move to a faraway country, etc., etc) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Take care of yourself - you're worth it.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
