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After hearing Shells story I started having serious flash backs to a time my ex-husband took the only car we had and left me and five children( 4 under the age of 5) stranded. God provided one of the most remarkable miracles and over the course of a day friends and family donated 9,000 dollars to buy a new car..My ex tried to have that car put in his name so he could take that one as well. My shock is why I allowed him to take the first car. He didn't need it. He rode his bike to work. Why do people become door mats? I am very fearful of ever having another relationship. I feel there is something wrong with me. I always put myself last in every situation. Can someone give me any insight into this behavior?
For a lot of people it's growing up in an alcoholic home, and learning to put the alcoholic's needs above everyone else's. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home, so I looked for other reasons I might have developed this character defect. I was told many times to think of others as better than myself, a misrepresented religious teaching. I hadn't read or had it pointed out to me that I was to love myself as I loved others. You have to love yourself in order to love others in a healthy way and set bounaries.
I have been a doormat in many a relationship. I wanted to people-please and "think of others better than myself". I took this to the extreme in my first alcoholic marriage, making him dinner and bringing it to him at work and trying to impress him and his workmates. It worked and was only an ego boost for me. I was so beaten down by my husbands behavior I tried to get praise where-ever I could.
Today I try to treat others with respect as I would like to be treated, but to the best of my ability, I don't do something for another to "gain a certain outcome" or make myself another doormat. Setting limits on what behaviors you will and will not accept and setting boundaries with consequences for stepping over those boundaries are the only ways to get out of the 'doormat cycle' in my opinion. The catch is you have to be willing to follow through on the limits and boundaries you set, because if you can't they are of no value.
Alcoholism contributed greatly to my allowing myself to become a doormat. It was the only way I knew to react at the time. Now I have al-anon and have new tools and a program I can work to help me with detaching with love, setting limits and boundaries.
This was a good topic for me to think about tonight, thanks for bringing it up. java
I was raised with the belief that having boundries was a very bad way to behave. Having a boundry meant you hated that person and wanted them out of your life. That is what boundry meant. Therefore, I had no idea how to love someone without letting them do whatever they wanted to me.
I don't know if that makes sense but that is how I was.
Today, I have boundries and I stick to them. I LOVE my boundries and I love myself. It has taken me many years and alot of self examination to get here.
Be patient, stick to your boundries like glue. Remember that a boundry is for you to keep you safe and it has nothing to do with the other person.
The only insight I can give you Ro is that it isn't very fulfilling and always let me into terrible consequences. The good news is that with face to face meetings, the literature of the program, a sponsor and working the program on a daily basis you can turn your life into a miracle you will never surrender again.
(((((Ro)))))) Funny you should pick that topic line. I used to feel that way NON STOP.....then I read one day in my daily CAL literature Courage to Change.......if you want to stop being a doormat-Get up off the floor. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was allowing myself to react to another persons words and actions and in the process it was affecting me, and my self esteem.
There is nothing wrong with you.....never was! It's time now to put the focus back on you where it belongs and your children. Come here and post, find a F2F meeting and take care of you.
Please keep coming back....... it works if you work it shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
the ex A who I was with took two cars. Do you have to beat yourself up.
Boundaries are tough going. In a normal relationship people share. In an alcoholic relationship everything goes awry.
I think it takes a long long time to expore why, how and when we lost our beatings. I don't think it comes from other people. If you work the steps, get a sponsor, go to therapy really get into how you got into the situation you were in you'll find the answer but no one can give it to you.
What fits one person isn't necessarily what will fit you. I'm glad you got help.
I know I have to have huge walls to keep the ex A out. One of them is not to talk to him under any circumstances.
I'm no longer beating myself to a pulp about what I did but focusing on the future about what can I do now.
Thank you all for the insight. You all gave me a bit more to understanding. This behavior has carried over into many of my relationships, including my children. I have created a few, let us say, characters. I am looking forward to attending a meeting.
I think we allow ourselves to become doormats, because of our self esteem issues. We don't think we deserve any better. For many reasons our self esteem is low. My sister has become such a bad codependent that she doesn't think she deserves recovery. She's in complete denial. Yet when there is an issue, she calls my 17 year old niece to "fix the family". Thank goodness my no longer allows that to happen. Recovery is a selfish thing. It has to be. It's how we get stronger and better. It's how we learn to stop being doormats. Recovery and self esteem go hand in hand. You'll get better. We all do. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I put myself last for so many years and am working on changing that. It's hard for me to do. Even now I feel guilty when I have to say no, but at least I can say no nowdays.
My bf when active used to take my car when he didn't have one. I knew he would drive home drunk but always hoped he wouldn't that time. I couldn't say no because I guess I always hoped it would be different because he made promises. At one point I did not let him use my car anymore, and yes he complained but it was my right not to let him take my car. I set my boundary and he accepted it at some point.
Shoftly after meeting my husband, I bought a standard transmission car knowing he doesn't shift. Reading this, I now know why I sometimes "feel powerful" as I shift through the gears. It's the power of boundaries. Thanks the topic. -- Jill
mmm...the only insight I have is this behavior is an affect of alcoholism...it is the codependency in us to try to "fix" everything and forget to take care of ourself...I have been there...learning to change my codependent behaviors to better take care of Me. Keep the focus on me and my recovery and not allowing others to control my moods have helped tremendously...we too have been affected by the disease which is why we come to Alanon to recover from it. Live life one day at a time...
brightmommy
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"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
