The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I currently live with my ABF. We have been together for over 2 years ( but dated also for less than a year over 10 years ago- long story alcohol was not involved at that time) We have lived together for little over a year now with my 2 kids from a prev marriage. ( 11 and 13)
My ABF does not think he is an alcoholic and like the rest of us codendents I now understand all the reasons and excusses mean to me is that he is an A.
reasons he believes he is not a alcoholic:
1- he only drinks from 6pm until bedtime and he spaces it out ( large amounts- 6-10 oz of scotch and 3-4 keystone light ( he reason not a strong as reg beer) in that amount of time this is normal and many people do this.
2 - he never drinks and drives
3 - he does not go to bars and drinks
4- he functions every day like normal
6- he is not abusive
7 - he cannot sleep without it
8 - he does not pass out
9- he had horrible knee pain
and the number one reason is He enjoys it and he can control it.
I have finally figured out these are not reasons these are excuses he gives himself to say its ok to drink.
He drinks at home like a stated and usually passes out in the chair ( he says falls asleep) I now call these " parties for one"
After months of feeling ignored and alone I will be going to co-dependency group. I met with a councelor and this it what I am doing so far but am open to suggestions opions to help me make choices that will help my kids and me.
I sat him down and told him about the group I will be attending and he is an alcoholic. since I am the one working ( he is back in school full time job retaining after bilateral knee replacement) and paying the bills ( or as everyone else trying) this is what I expect of him.
I will not buy any more alcohol with money that I make. I will not sit in the same room with him while he drinks. I will not sleep in the same bed with him after a "party for one". He will not drink in front of my kids.
This is a start but I know this is not going to be easy. He as agreed but as we all know this is easy for him to do now but I have a feeling he will push it.
I will be strong and stick to this and with my codendency group and all you here it can be done. thanks for reading
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
Good for you for putting up boundrys, boundrys are a wonderful thing... Sometimes hard, and when they become unmanageable, I come HERE...lol..This is a great family, and they are here when ever you need them, they share and help you put the focus back on YOU...
My Advise (Wheich we are not to give here) is KEEP COMING BACK... That will sooo help you climb over all the rough spots in your life... I know it has me...
If your area has any F2F (Face to Face) Al-anon meetings they are VERY benificial as well...You made the first step by finding us, so Now you are starting your road to Recovery...
What is a face to face? I keep reading about it but am not really clear on it. I thought that is what I did a couple days ago when I told him my rules and that I was not willing to support alcohol in my life.
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
Welcome To answer your question, Face to Face Al Anon meetings: Are Al-Anon meetings that are held in your local community. You can find the Hot Line Alanon number in your local white pages. When you call that number you will be advised of meetings in your area.
You mentioned you were going to a co-dependency group and I am not familiar with that structure. but the suggestion that you set up boundries is an alanon concept as well.
The boundries you set up are focused upon protecting you and your children. That is a good step. You are wise when you indicated that you may run into resistance.
Alanon believes that alcoholism is a disease. You did not Cause it, You can not Control It, and You Cannot Cure it.
We come to Al-Anon to learn how to Focus on ourselves and not the problem drinker and pick up new tools so that we can live happy constructive lives if the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Please keep coming back. Read the postings and try to atttend the online meetings held here
thank you Betty for expaining f2f. I thought it ment that he and I go to a meeting. Since he is still in deniel that he is a Alcoholic that is not going to happen soon.
Codependency is put on through my health care provider Kaiser they have a depency program as well as co-dependency. The co-dependency is to help me and me only with how to take care of me. So I think the alnon and the co-dependency program are much the same but I will know more on friday.
After my first meeting with the counselor and my discusion with my ABF last monday and reading all the post I knew this was going to be a long and winding road with many hills and detours. I just love that I have somewhere to come to and read and talk. I did look into the chat room on this site and will try it also. It seems the more I read and talk about it I feel confident I can do this and it does not seem so helpless.
I did contact his oldest daughter today ( she has mentioned concerns before) and advised her about my discusion that I had with her dad and that he is still in deniel and that I would keep in touch with her on how things are going with me and how he is really doing, She does does not live close by.
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
Just checking...when you set these boundaries did you also make a decision about the consequences if the boundaries are crossed? What are you prepared to do the first time he messes up to prove you aren't just talking smack? Without consequences, boundaries are just words. Whatever the consequences are, you must be able to follow through or they will be crossed again and again.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(((((Wendy))))) Welcome to MIP! I only wish that I had it as together as you seem to when I found my way here. When I got here, I was still with EXABF(who has been sober and in recovery for 10+ yrs now), but KNEW that something was wrong in my life, I pushed and pushed until I succeeded in pushing him away with a lot of my issues from previous marriage to functioning A. I came here a wreck not knowing which way to go and trying to go in EVERY direction at once. You are setting boundaries right up front and taking care of you and your children which is AWESOME. If you can find a F2F meeting in your area, please try to attend-they are a HUGE asset, also posting here and CAL literature are God sends........
most of all take it ONE DAY AT A TIME~as HP intended it to be:) your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
You don't know this, but it's really GREAT to watch Jozie encouraging newcomers to go to f2f . The first one is always a little scary, but you find people just like us there (heck, most of us go to f2f too, so sometimes the people ARE us). Also you get to pick up a free newcomer packet, and maybe one of the daily readers like Courage to Change (familiarly "c2c") or One Day at a Time (familiarly "ODAT") - these are about $10 or $12.
One great resource is looking at the book Gettng them Sober. Incidentally I note your post is all about him what about you? Who are you? What are you feeling, how are you doing?
We codependents tend to focus on others. One of the principle components of recovery is to focus on yourself. You can do that by detaching ...there's a primer on this at www.coping.org.
Boundries and crossing the line. I did think about them. In fact last night was a good example. I was watching tv in the living room and he was in the bedroom on the computer doing school work. He was drinking alone in the room by himself. He finished his school and came into the living room and I was watching a show that we would normally watch together. He seemed hurt that I was watching it without him and asked how come I was doing this. I stated that he has chosen his company tonight and it was not me so I did not wish to watch tv with him. He went back to the bedroom and watched tv in there. When we went to bed he wanted to cuddle. I explained I was tired he had made his choices tonight and by cuddling with me I would only feel like 2nd choice. He said he understood but I could tell he was hurt and felt rejected, but that is how I feel when he drinks and when he has what I call " his party for one". I know he is going to push more and more but feel I have know way of knowing what to expect since this is all new to me. But the more I learn I know that I cannot back down that like with my kids they only respect me when I follow through so I will have to say I have taken on the motto that I will have to follow through no matter how hard it is nor how much it hurts me because I need to do this for ME and my kids and I am only hurting him if I do not follow through. I feel I can come here when I make mistakes which I am sure I will and you all will help put me back on track. Thanks
__________________
I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
thanks for asking about me. After my first REAL conversation with him and finally admitting he was an alcoholic to myself, I am better believe it or not. I am still afraid that we might go our seperate ways and my kids love him to death and so do I. But I have been through a rougher patch than this ( my ex husband left 1 month before my youngest was born and drug me in and out of court for the past 8 years) Being a single parent with 2 small kids I had to learn to trust me and at that time I found a message board like this but was for divoreced single parents. So I knew that I was going to need support on this. So here I am. I feel strong but scared at times. I am now trying to find things that I want to improve with me. Gives me a goal and I find I can stay focused. Oh by the way sometimes I don't notice that this is tought only because I am an adult with add so I have a mind that is always on the go and medication can only do so much lol. But thanks for asking
__________________
I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
. The first one is always a little scary, but you find people just like us there (heck, most of us go to f2f too, so sometimes the people ARE us). Also you get to pick up a free newcomer packet, and maybe one of the daily readers like Courage to Change (familiarly "c2c") or One Day at a Time (familiarly "ODAT") - these are about $10 or $12.