"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

LonelyAmsterdam · Member

How do I move on?

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

When u love someone so much that you are willing to sacrifice yourself for the good of them -- well, I'm sure all of his here have gotten to that point and we all know how it ends... we end up empty in every way imaginable.

Ten years ago I had to choose my life over my husband's b/c staying with him and loving him the way I was, was literally killing me.

You move on, one step at a time, ond day at a time or one minute or second at a time, some days. It does get better/easier.

If ur online, there is a meeting in the chat room in 20 minutes ~ come on in.

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Lonely)))

You are certainly in the right place. Welcome to Miracles in Progress.

Here you will find out that yours is not a unique situation, that many of us have been in situations very similiar to yours.

Those feelings of guilt and responsibility you feel are common to most all of us who have been effected by living with the family disease of alcoholism.

Please keep coming back to this board and reading/posting. We also have online meetings twice a day in our chat room which you can get to from the link in the yellow box up at the top of this page.

I would also suggest to you seeing if there is a local al-anon meeting in the city you are now living in.

Al-anon is world wide, and is made up of friends and families of alcoholics. People just like you. We understand as perhaps few others can what you have been through and what you are going through now.

Welcome!

Yours in Recovery,
David

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Lonely))))
You are definitely in the right place. Welcome to MIP!
When I found my way here I was lonely too, but didn't stay that way for long:) I realized through trial and error that none of us find our way here under the best of circumstances, most of us are suffering in one way or another.
It sounds like you are putting the focus on you, and off of your A, which is a wonderful step to be taking, though right now I know you are hurting. The pain will ease with the passing of time, and the working of this program and the tools you can learn here.
Please keep coming back~

keeping it simple.......
shelly

inhisarms · Veteran Member

Welcome home! That is what it feels like everytime i come to this message board. :) Here we are a huge family that understands, supports and listens like no one else every will. Why? Because we have all been where you are at in some shape or form. So you are in the right place.

My ABF is a drinker and an addict and like you i did everything to save him. Silly me, in the process i forgot to save myself. I was feeling like you only a few months ago...this alanon has been my blessing to finding my sanity..Well at least some sanity lol

I compare my situation to the Titanic. It helps put things in a new light for me, so that i can stay focused on the reson i am here. The titanic was the ship of dreams, it was thought to be indestructable right? Kinda how i saw my relationship...We could get through anything...Even when we hit the big iceburg i still held on to my boyfriend to save him. Sitting in an ocean of cold, lonely and scared waters i finally let go of him to save myself. I didnt do it out of anger, resentment or anything malicious...i did it because I at that moment knew i had to live. So that is how i get through feeling of guilt or shoulda done this or that...i did what i had to do for me out of love for myself. Much easier to accept when i know it was out of love and not anger.

Welcome home...you are on a journey now to find your peace, serenity and self love....:)

LonelyAmsterdam · Member

Thank you all so much for your replies. It feels comforting to know that there are other people out there with similar experiences.

Inhisarms, I know exactly what you mean about the Titanic. When I think back on my life in recent years, I am struck by how many different lives I have lived, how many different realities I have had. In the reality that I shared with my boyfriend, we would be ok as long as it was the two of us together. I betrayed that by leaving him. In a different reality, I know that from the point of view of my friends and family (all of whom I lied to, as I tried to hide his addiction), I should have left him a long time ago. I live with both of these realities on a moment-to-moment basis, the one where I have betrayed him and our love for one another by leaving, and the one where I was right to leave.

I feel so conflicted about what I did, even though I know I had no other choice. I know that I need to take care of myself in order to move on, but my relationship with him has left me so isolated - I lost so many friends, so much that I cared about, so much of myself. I need to reclaim that, but can't even begin to think how. I know that I am at the beginning of a long road.

It helps to know that there are people who understand what I am going through, but it hurts as well, because it means that this is all really happening. I want to live in the real world now, after so many years in the land of Wishful Thinking. I am just trying to find the courage.

inhisarms · Veteran Member

Lonely, you said you were tryng to find the courage to reclaim your life....guess what? By coming here and posting you are doing just that :) So give yourself a big hug.....you are taking the steps toward a life already :)

I too isolated myself from others, lost many friends along the way and lied to everyone to cover up the truth. I found an alanon meeting and soon learned i had many new friends who i didnt have to lie to or pretend i was ok. They didnt judge me or blame me or make me think i was lame for staying so long with the addict. Please dont isolate any longer, find a meeting and surround yourself with others who care....

Sending big hugs to you, you are on your way to a new life, a life where your wants, needs and feeling matter :)

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

Welcome, (((((((amsterdam)))))))

I want to suggest to you that leaving was not a betrayal. Instead, it was a recognition that you cannot live your life for him (you've been trying, and it hasn't worked to give him a wonderful life, never mind that your own life has turned into a shambles as a result). Maybe "love" actually means giving him the dignity of being responsible for himself, and of experiencing the natural consequences of his own decisions - those same consequences you have been sheltering him from, and taking on yourself, for so long.

You are surely in the right place - I hope you keep coming back.

LonelyAmsterdam · Member

Thinkstoomuch, thank you for your insight. I know that what you say is true. But still, I can't reconcile that knowledge with the feeling of failure that I have been experiencing over the past few weeks, as soon as I realised that I would have to leave. Also, it hurts so badly that my boyfriend doesn't understand why I left. I want so much for him to tell me that it's ok, that he understands - to release me, in some way. I know that he won't do that, and that at the core of our relationship was the control that he exerted, that I allowed him to exert over me. No matter what he did, I was always willing to stay, to bend to his demands. He cannot accept that I can't do that anymore. I don't know why I need so badly for him to tell me that he understands why I left. I know I have to accept that that may never happen. But it hurts so much.

Inhisarms, for years I have known that so many people thought I was weak for staying with him. And other people were relieved, because it meant that they didn't have to worry about him. Lots of people, including him, told me that I was his 'saviour' and it gave me a twisted sense of pride. Of course my needs or goals never came into it, it was always entirely about how I related to him. I want to meet people who can accept me for who I am, and allow me to be honest, not always spinning things in one way or another. This feels like a good start.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi... you got tons of great responses to your situation, and "Thinkstoomuch" was bang on the money. This is why I encourage you (and others) to read "Getting Them Sober", by Toby Rice Drews... in a nutshell, it's message is: "If you REALLY love your A, then get yourself healthy".

Congrats on finding your way here. It takes most of us a long time to accept that our loved ones' addictions are NOT "circumstantial", and that they are indeed addicts.

You are in the right place...

Take care
Tom

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Can you read some self help books that might help. The new Codependency by Melody Beattie is a very interesting stance on what kinds of behavior are normal abnormal when you are around someone with a drinking problem. Getting them sober is an excellent series. People Pleasing is also an excellent book. Other authors are Claudia Black as well as Pia Melody. They can all help you identify where you are, what kept you captivated and why you feel guilty. There is also some excellent resources within al anon. Any of the daily primers are really really helpful.

In Al anon we use various tools to work through the issues. Some of those tools are outlined at www.coping.org. One of them is detachment. Another resource is to work the steps. There are a tremendous number of books on how to work the 12 steps. Al anon has a different slant on the 12 steps but basically many of them are about looking within. We can obsess for ever on what "he" did, or rather what "she" did. The focus in al anon is on ourselves because that is the only person we have control over.

This board is a wonderful resource, stick around, get to know people, go to chat, go to meetings, join in. Soon enough you'll find yourself on a journey of a lifetime.

maresie.

rorussell9 · Member

Hi,

When my marraige of twenty five years ended badly I vowed I would never forget the pain I was experiencing. I wanted to be there for someone in the future. I'm sure the pain you are feeling is overwhelming and profound. My first three weeks I lost fifteen pounds from stress. I didn't think I would ever get over him. The crazy thing was after a time ( for me a year and a half) I was rejoicing that I didn't have to live that way anymore. Even after a few months the situation was much improved. I found new friends and started making choices that felt really good. Just hang on and in time the pain and guilt will give way to new horizons. The pain clouds all reality. Soon that cloud will lift.
God bless,
Rosada

Jstr1ck · Newbie

I really think that you did what's best for both yourself and your BF by leaving. It is a very fine line that you will need to walk being being very supportive and being an ENABLER with the results being unpredictable. Only your BF can truly help himself. I am currently separated from my wife and I will be filing for divorce shortly because of adultery. We have been married for 18 years and have a 5-year old son. My wife has been sober for over a year without the benefit of an AA program, and I believe that she is in a dry-drunk period during which she has had two very impulsive and very risky affairs with men of questionable character. She is still looking for that relief that alcohol used to give her. She concedes full custody of my son to me because our son is not her priority but her paramour is. I truly feel bad for my son because despite my attempts to shield him from his mother's absence and to encourage my wife to spend time with him, I feel that he is suffering inside. I still love my wife but I cannot enable her anymore but I will do my best to help her be a good mother to my son. You have to ask yourself if you are prepared to take that chance. I wish you the best

blender_girl · Senior Member

(((amsterdam)))

Welcome home! This is a wonderful place and you've already gotten a ton of great experience, strength and hope from the other posts.

Don't beat yourself up over leaving - as ThinksTooMuch said - not a betrayal, but recognition. And give yourself time to grieve - it's perfectly OK. You've suffered the loss of a relationship, grief is natural and nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. It took me a long time to figure that out. While you're at it, give yourself a huge pat on the back for taking this first huge step of getting your life back.

I'm glad you are here and keep coming back!

LonelyAmsterdam · Member

Thank you all so much for your support. I am doing ok in this first week of my new life (although I broke my jaw in a bike accident on Saturday - so there's physical as well as emotional pain at the moment). My boyfriend told me on Wednesday that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. In the moment I was really devastated, but looking back I think it was a line that I should have drawn myself, because it has forced me to take the focus off of him and how he is coping with my absence and to put it somewhere that it hasn't been for 5 years: on myself and my own feelings. Of course I am still obsessively worrying about him, but I am trying to look beyond that to my own future. Sometimes it doesn't feel like any conceivable future would be worth the effort that it will take to get through the pain. But when it feels like that I am trying to hold on and believe that something better will come, that it won't always hurt.

Maresie, thank you for the reading suggestions. I will look into the books that you have recommended. I think it will help me to get some perspective on my own behaviour throughout all of this, about why I made the choices that I made along the way.

Roseada, thank you for your kind words. I know that someday I will recognise the decisions that I have taken in the past few weeks as ones that freed me to live a new kind of life. I'm not there yet, but I will keep going. I am so glad that the end of your marriage ultimately brought you happiness. I hope I find that too.

Jstr1ck, I know exactly what you mean. I believe that even in the times when my boyfriend's drinking and drug use were not out of control, that the addict in him still guided his behaviour both in and out of our relationship. That was one of the reasons why I had to leave - because although we might have got through his current crisis together, he never displayed any willingness to question his most fundamental behaviours. But I want to question my own behaviours, and to be honest about the ways in which I too messed up. I hope that your introspection can help your son through the difficult time that you are both going through.

Blender Girl, thank you so much for your response. I do think it is a grieving process, not only for my relationship, but for the image of myself that I spent so much energy trying to maintain, and the life that I thought I was going to have. All of the responses that I have gotten on this board are helping me to be kind to myself. It means so much to me that people care after so many years when I felt so utterly alone. I will definitely be sticking around!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"