The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted this on the ACOA forum also, but thought I would post here as well.
I don't know if this is the place for me or not. I am an adult (30) and my mother is an alcoholic, but she did not fall into alcoholism until I was in my early 20s. She always drank, and I see now that her lifestyle was getting more and more unhealthy and procarious at the end of my teen years, but my mother and I were always extremely close and I always thought of her as the strongest most wonderful, dynamic, intelligent, loving person I could imagine.
When I was about 23, my mother fell into this terrible hysterical depression. We all thought she was having a nervous breakdown (her father had just died and her marriage to my stepfather was on the road to divorce) and we knew she was drinking too much (though we didn't realize how much) but it wasn't until she put herself into Detox (SHE knew) and got herself sober that we even realized that the problem was alcohol addiction. She stayed sober for 5 years after that first detox. She was more alive than I had seen in years and it was really wonderful.
Then, about 2 years ago she relapsed. She has really no tolerance for drinking AT ALL so as soon as she picks up she immediately descends into hyper-drama, non-functional, miserable sobbing, self-loathing, suicidal, narcissistic, panic attack having awfulness. This lasts for 1-2 weeks, then she detoxes again and is her normal self again(which is GREAT!). She does all the meetings and the yoga and the doctors and the prescriptions. This lasts for 2-6 weeks , then something happens and she picks up again and we all (ESPECIALLY her) have to go through the hell all over again.
I love my mother more than anyone on the planet and I cannot accept that she will not get better, She HAS to get better. I need her in my life.
I know this is not what the whole alanon 12 step thing is about, but it makes me angry to know that everyone is going to tell me to DETACH myself. I feel like it's telling me to abandon any hope for my mother and leave her to die. I mean, I HAVE done some detachment already I guess. I used to call her every hour during her relapses, just to make sure she was still there! To make sure she remembered there was a reason to live, to keep trying etc. To make sure she didn't just give up on life and to try and convince her to seek help, go to detox, put down the drink, etc.. But now, I just don't talk to her when she is drinking. As soon as I hear it in her voice (which is IMMEDIATLY with "Hello"!) I get off the phone. The most difficult for me is that she lies. Lies lies lies lies lies! She ALWAYS tells me she hasn't been drinking. I know this is part of the addiction
( my mother and I have always had an incredibly open and honest relationship, so it has been very hard for me to think of her as a liar).
Anyway... I am completely ranting here because I haven't really done that yet. My mother just relapsed again a couple weeks ago. I haven't spoken to her, because I CAN'T go in circles about it. It's really black and white. My little sister saw her on Thursday and said it was awful.
I feel so so so terrible and guilty about my little sister and my little brother. They are still teenagers (my sister is 19 and only just moved out of the house. Much to her relief. And my little brother is 17 and just lives with it.). I am all the way on the other side of the country from them (opposite coasts). Unlike me, they WERE kids when all this started. I feel so terrible that I can't help them more. That I don't know how. That we don't even know what to say to each each other about it, because there is absolutely NOTHING we can do about it. My poor grandmother (my mother's mother) is 83 and is probably the most co-dependant of us all. Always on the phone, going over to my mother's, sitting with her, fighting with her, bringing her food, making her "promise" never to drink again, etc.
I feel so guilty for not being there, but I don't know what I would do if I were there.
Sorry. This is such a rant. I haven't done this before. I could go on and on and on.
All I can do is hope that she figures it out. Hope and pray for her that she finds the strength to stay sober.
((((((Sirensong))))) Welcome to MIP. So nice to have you here. You will here people tell you many times over to focus on yourself and take care of you. In the beginning I thought they were all crazy, but came to believe that they are the most sane people I have ever met. I too, struggled with "detaching". How could I do something so cruel and heartless. How would my loved one know I cared if I didn't try to fix all their problems and take care of them? By detaching I learned that I am giving the A the dignity to make their own mistakes, to see first hand the consequences of their actions and that by doing that I am taking care of me and allowing them to find the desire to want to change.
Please attend some F2F AlAnon meetings if you can, post here anytime and as oten as you need, and get your hands on some literature. I know you love your mom, and no one wants you to abandon her, but you first have to take care of you!!
Your friend in recovery...... keeping it simple shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Sirensong, I wish I had the magic answer. I would surely give it to you.
I will not bore or anger you with words of "detachment." Personally, I think "detachment" is an impossible task. Some can trick their minds into believing they have "detached," but it just ain't so!!!
I feel great empathy not only for you, but for your younger siblings. Any chance they could come to you, if even temporarily?
Mom's problem is what it is, and it is hers to solve. She has certainly tried to solve it in the past, and chances are she will contimue to strive to regain her footing on the path of sobriety. Hold that thought, and hang in there. Meantime, you have your own life to look after. So take care of Sirensong, and hope for that better day.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Alanon is for anyone who is or has ever been concerned about or affected by someone else's drinking. So - you are so in the right place.
Your sibs are certainly "eligible" for alateen, and they're old enough for regular alanon meetings if there is no alateen where they are. Nothing wrong with suggesting that to them. You could also get some alanon books, like the daily readers, and each of you have the same book, so you can talk about it and develop a common language around it. Another book that's not "official" alanon but is very "alanonish" that completely fits your situation is "getting them sober" by Toby Rice Drew. There's a whole series in fact. She also has her own website.
The detachment thing was certainly confusing for me too. I wanted to HELP, for heaven's sake! As Shelly said, it was a big revelation to me to consider that by allowing my loved one (who in my case was newly sober) to experience the natural consequences of his own choices, and LETTING him take care of things that were his own "stuff", I was giving him dignity by (silently) saying, I believe you can do this.
I've never forgotten what the chair of an early beginner's meeting shared while I was stuggling with this. She was at marriage counseling with her (later ex) AH, and was explaining how she could SEE the train wreck coming with her AH's proposed course of action, and she was just trying to avoid the train wreck! (Note she didn't just say, hm, I see this causing a train wreck, and step aside; she got right in his process and started manhandling tracks and trains, and probably him too.) He looked at her and said: "why can't you just let me screw up for once?"
Consider going to an open AA meeting - hearing an AA speaker was very eye-opening for me, and I could hear things from another sober alcoholic that I couldn't hear from my own hubby.
You guys, you and your siblings both, can learn to feel better whether your mother finds long-term sobriety again or not. I hope she does, and of course you would all rather she did, but if she DOESN'T, you don't have to go down with her. I hope you keep coming back.
Siren, The love you have for your mother is amazing :) And to Detach does not mean to stop loving her, it means to love yourself enough to keep your sanity. No one can tell you what you have to do, Alanon is your program and as everyone tells me "take what you like, and leave the rest". What i have seen in my program as a new alanoner(lol) is even the few tools i have learned here and am trying to use daily make huge differences already. So i am looking forward to learning and trying more. Detaching doesnt happen overnight, and no you dont have to abandon someone to do it. You said your mom was "strongest most wonderful, dynamic, intelligent, loving person I could imagine. " remember those words sweetie, and trust in your HP. Your mom is still all of those things and she has a disease.
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
You are absolutley in the right place , you are the child of an alcoholic , welcome , I feel like alot of newcommers do that u have misunderstood the word * DETACHMENT * it certainly dosnet mean to abandon the people u love , it means to learn to separate the alcohol from the person , accept them as they are quit tring to change them and allow them the dignity to live thier lives the way they choose , when the alcoholic slips you don't have to go with them ,deatch from thier actions and love them anyway. Perhaps this will help u to understand Al-Anons perception of detachment .
In Al-Anon we learn
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people Not to allow ourselves to used or abused by others in the interest of anothers recovery Not do for others what they could do for themselves Not to manipulate situations so others will eat , go to bed , get up , pay bills, not drink Not to cover up for anyones mistakes or misdeeds Not to create a crisis Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events .
Detachmentn is neither kind nor unkind . It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situataionfrom which we are detaching . It simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse affects that another persons alcoholism can have upon our lives. Detachment helps familiers look at their situation realistically and objectivley, thereby making intelligent decisions possible
From Detachment pamphlet == s- 19
If you are not attending Al-Anon f2f I hope u consider doing so in the near future ,it will change your life for the better , this program has improved all relationships in my life and ultimatley my family. You will find people who understand how u feel where u can share your fears and hopes this disease is just too tough to deal with alone . talk to people who have been where your at . they will share thier own experiences in recovery with you Louise
That is great that u could go on and on b/c that is when the healing takes place, when we open up and ~ feel, deal, heal.
Al-Anon is for anyone that has been affected by another's use. Here we learn to stop enbaling the A and learn to focus on our lives and cope w/ life. As an ACoA myself, I lived with extreme guilt until I was 38 - guilt and fear (anxiety) had taken over my life - in full bloom from fifteen years old on.
The guilt you experience for your mother, is NOT helping either of you in any way whatsoever. In fact, it causes stress, stress kills you earlier, that's it. It's a negative emotion, esp when we use it against ourselves to punish us.
You already have a good boundary, not talking to a drunk person, that's very healthy... talking to a drunk is pointless/futlie.
Besides, your mother has her mother, who is clearly already enabling her to the max. So you can fire yourself from trying to save, fix or help you mother. None of us can influence another person - we all agree to play a game of manipulation. You can choose your actions. You can have power over yourself.
So next time you feel guilty for your mom, say a lil special prayer for her and give her to her HP/god. You can't control, change or cure another person. You can change yourself. Learn to let it go. All of those long years that i was focusing on my mother, I was wasting my life, trying to please her and live for her. I don't know anyone that is/was more codie on their mom's than me. I wanted to die for her many times, thinking that would help her somehow... how sick is that?
For me detaching means, I get to have my own life, I can be my own person. It has allowed me to not want to die for her but to want to live for me. I no longer suffer for her but I live as happily as I can - which is all she ever wanted me to do anyway - to be happy.
-- Edited by kitty at 15:54, 2009-03-10
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Welcome to MIP...It certainly sounds like you came to the right place. Any place where you can find so many people who have been in your shoes and learned how to live inspite of all of the fear and anxiety and confusion and pain is the right place. You will not be able to learn over night because the problem didn't happen over night.
There is much you can learn here and especially in the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups. You will need the ability to sit and listen with an open mind and be willing to consider new ideas and beliefs. It you are not there for now just come and listen with an open mind. When I got into the program I didn't even know about alcoholism but was overjoyed to find out it was a disease and my then wife was not a "bad person". I was also glad to understand that because she was "sick" there was a chance of recovery though I was frustrated that recovery would not come from my efforts at all. I had difficulty coming to understand that I was so attached to my alcoholic wife and almost everything I thought I was doing that was good for her was actually interfering with her finding help for herself. It was at this door that the lessons in detachment started to come...after I had been in the rooms of Al-Anon for a while. It was at this point that I learned I was detached with anger directed at her and everyother thing. Then came detachment with disinterest...not caring which I disliked so much because not caring was against my nature. I kept coming back and learned detachment with love...being there for her and being there with her and allowing her to be wholely herself and responsible for the consequences of her choices...to drink or not, to seek help for her disease (uncontrolled, compulsive drinking which could not be cured but only arrested through total abstinence) or not or anything else she decided was good for her. I had tried evey sort of insanity to stop her from drinking and have admitted in recovery to doing things that might have cost her life. None of it ever worked. This disease is truely cunning, powerful and baffling. Who can understand why the alcoholic drinks the way they do without being alcoholic themselves or a very good researcher.
And her disease has led you to seek help for yourself. Thank God however you understand your God. Sit down; listen with and open mind; continue to ask for help without fear of being judged or felt less than, get as much literature as you can on the disease of alcoholism (much of it is free and found at open Al-Anon meetings) learn the steps, traditions, slogans, follow the suggestions and practice practice practice. This program works if your work it.
It was helpful to hear some of the explanations of detachment. Especially the idea that it is respectful somehow. Having the respect to let them figure it out for themselves.
I think I have been doing this naturally for a while now... though sometimes i have felt strange about being able to go about with my own business, have my own good moods and bad moods, move forward with my life, etc. when my mother is in the middle of one of her debaucherous episodes. Like somehow, by detaching from my mother, I was detaching from myself and falling into some kind of emotional non-existence. Maybe that sounds weird....
