On forcing solutions? - Al-Anon Family Group

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

On forcing solutions?

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Jean))),

For me forcing a solution can mean a couple of things. It's almost like sabotaging myself or a situation. I can keep pushing a person's buttons until they have to react to it. Often this can backfire. They react the opposite way I want them to. It's manipulating. I have done this when I feel like I am backed into a corner, and don't know the way out. I do this much less now that I have my program in place. I use to think it was a form of self preservation. Perhaps it was. But the more I am aware of it, the more I realize that I did it because I was scared and insecure about who I am.

Another way I force a solution is by rushing things. I think I need the solution RIGHT NOW! It could be to a work problem, a personal issue or something that in the long run is really not that important. I have to allow myself the time to figure things out. I have to tell myself that it's okay that I don't have all the answers right now. How many times have I told people here, that answers come when we are most ready to receive them? It would help if I remembered that myself. Thanks for making me think about that again. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

-- Edited by Karilynn at 07:01, 2009-03-10

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((jean))))
For me I have found that forcing solutions is just another way of me trying to control something I ultimately have no control over. I tried this on several occassions with EXABF and in the end all I ended up forcing was our demise. A very hard way to learn a lesson, but I did.

Your friend in recovery,
shelly

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

I think for me forcing solutions (which, believe me, is a constantly recurring problem) is the flip side of step 11 "praying only for (his/her/its) will for us & the power to carry that out." So that when I am not plugged in to consciously working my program, forcing solutions is one of the old unhealthy behaviours I fall back into. It may be for any one of the (perfectly good, ahem) reasons others have shared, like I have figured out a way to make it right, or I have forgotten to give myself time, or to give OTHERS time, or I have mistaken something that is not mine for something that is..... it all comes down to, I am not consciously keeping my program foremost in my mind. And heart.

I think it's Christy who keeps reminding us, we do say, WORK our program, and it IS work. It's HARD work - maybe that's why I sometimes avoid it. But NOT working my program ends up being even harder, and the more time I spend coming back, the more deeply that recognition seeps in. (Thank goodness.) I feel better when I put in the effort - and leave the results to HP.

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah, I've heard that forcing solutions is controlling things too. For me, that's a little simple. I mean, for me, forcing solutions is based in fear, generally that bad things are gonna happen and I can't handle them so I have to control them and obsess and so on and so forth. I do believe deep down that when I'm trying to force solutions I mean the best and I intend the best, but it doesn't always happen. There's that saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" and that's so true for me.
I think, also, for me, forcing solutions is about cutting myself some slack. I'm not perfect, and no matter how hard I try, I'll never be there. So whenever I force solutions it's because I'm trying to save someone, I see something that I'm not sure they do, etc. So I try to rescue them from themselves, for better and worse.

inhisarms · Veteran Member

as so many have already said, forcing something doesnt work. Lord have i tried...lol I remember one time i tried to force a screw into my dinning table to try to fix it. Everyone around me told me "dont force it"...Of course i didnt listen and ended up busting the whole leg of the table and had to throw the whole thing out... I try to think of that instance when i try to force a situation. Doesnt work and never will. Sure you may get what you want initially but there are always consequences. No one wants to be forced into anything...We as people tend to feel threatened when forced and we have a natural response to fight or flight.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW
I am glad u posted this I learnt so much from everyones shares.
I have been trying to force my partner to get BETTER I could see all his problems and the answers if only he would listen to me. He wasnt the first person in my life either my ex husband I new all the solutuions and tried to force them continuously. Other member of the family to. My current partner loves to rebel has all his life from childhood maybe this is why HP got us together. I am aware now so need to start making some positive changes leave other buisness to them no matter how much I love them

Thanks again

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Jean!!

Great question. I know today that there is such a thing as forcing solutions and it comes
from looking at my past and the past of others and looking for examples of "forced
solutions." It also comes, for me, that solutions rarely are highly defined as coming
out the way they were first expected. Solutions have many alternatives and the
ones that are forced mean that we've run out of boundaries in time, place or wants
or needs. Judges use to force solutions on me back when...one reason because
the community and the courts were just impatient and tired of pushing the
boundaries back on holding me responsible for change.   I forced one solution on
to my addicted first wife..."Stop or change or the marriage is over."   The solution
was mine as was the process and we both shared the one alternative consequence.
That consequence to some degree will last the rest of our life times and I am still
better off for it. Forcing the solution really worked for me.
I have always seen force as having to do with against some one elses will. It has
always been that way for me or to me. Unacceptable situations can force me into
solutions all the time and program teaches me that if I procrastinate that is what
I should expect...being forced into a solution again for me.   There are many
justifications for using force and for me it is mostly how great is the need. It's neither good or bad as I see it.   Program people are again for me solutions oriented.
Worked properly with a daily inventory solutions become just a natural part of
right living. I recognize today that all of my wants and needs and problems
require solutions and I don't like the idea of being forced. Better to do it on a
daily basis than not.

(((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F at 16:59, 2009-03-10

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to do this constantly by trying or thinking I had any influence or control over other people. It was me being manipulative. I also used to sabatoge decent relationships, say if I felt bored or out of control, only reinforcing the state I was in.

Well, we aren't in control of anything but our selves. I learned to stop reacting and to be able to actually act thoughtfully for myself. Once you stop gripping others and everything- focus on only controlling self and not being willing to be manipulated anymore then you are no longer putting out desperate controlling energy ~ u begin to gain calm.

I try to think what is best for me and "allow" others to live their own lives and w/ their own consequences. We each get to live our own lives!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I know I went to any lengths to try to control the ex A. The screams the recriminations, the phone calls, the trying to get his friends to understand. Now I go to any lengths to improve my own life its so much different. I'm no longer responsible for the problems in the world, certainly I do my best but its no longer all on my shoulders to fix anyone but myself.

Maresie.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

wow thanks for all the cool responses. I used to force solutions all the time, particularly in my relationship with my ex AH. But generally, I still need to watch it and just STOP when I feel the impulse to "get in there" and push buttons, turn the screws, be the "man behind the curtain" and control stuff. It is still something I need to be careful of. But as someone said (I think it was Karilyn), I have a program now and it helps me ALOT to STOP and not act when in the past I would have thought nothing of just barging in and saying and doing many hurtful things (usually most hurtful to me, ultimately). THINK comes to mind- is what I am about to say Thoughtful, Honest, Important, Necessary and Kind?

This program creates a kind of humility and honesty that I need because of my disease. I rode by bike past a wetlands recovery project near the river where I live and thought about the use of the word recovery in that environmental context. How the wetlands was being recovered for the river as its natural filter and purifier and how it is an important home to so many species and systems that are necessary to the health of the area. My recovery is not too different from the one of the river.

I love this program and am so grateful for it and for MIP. Hugs, J.

cdb19 · Member

Thanks for this post Jean. It was very thought provoking to me and a reminder to stay out of the driver's seat and let our HP drive.
I have had so many things in my life happen these past years that I would have loved to force sollutions, yet Letting Go and Letting God has been the way to go for me. I see how this is the best way for me to live my life as I have had very little contol over many things in my life. The outcome seems to end up okay anyway and it sure uses alot less energy on us. cdb

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