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I've been with my husband for 11 years and we have a 7 year old daughter.
I just spent a long time going through different threads and I'm confident I'm in the right place. I'm just scared. It feels like I'm taking the 1st step into a journey that I have NO clue where it will take me. On the surface I have such an incredible life; a beautiful home, we own our own business, and of course we have our beautiful child.
My husband drinks EVERY night. He's absolutely an alocholic.
Now here are the reasons why I've lived with and accepted it for long.
My AH doesn't drink and drive.
He doesn't go to bars.
He's NEVER abusive.
He drinks on our back porch, then eats, then passes out. Okay, sometimes he passes out WHILE he's eating. (And yes, I think it's repulsive and disgusting). But he doesn't do this until well after our daughter is in bed.
He is very succesful at what he does. He gets up for work EVERY morning at 5:30, does a couple hours work in the home office before working in construction (and we live in the South where its hot). He's very very very rarely hung over.
I know, I know. Those are all "rationalizations". Right?
Obviously if all those things made it "okay", then I wouldn't be here right now, right?
He does NOT want to change. He doesn't think he has a problem.
I am such a HUGE "caretaker" . . . I am one of those people that will sacrifice my own happiness to make someone else's day better. And I guess that's what's being worn down in me. I'm tired of covering for him, making excuses for him and . . . I guess what I'm really tired of is saying "it's okay" because of all the "good" things.
He gives me all the "it's legal" stuff and throws in my face that I smoke a pack of cigarettes a week. I don't smoke inside near our daughter and from the time she gets home from school until she goes to bed I might have 2 cigarettes. But again, I always smoke them on the back porch (where hubby is) and then I go right back in the house and continue caring for her (reading, homework, cooking dinner, etc.).
My husband might come in for 10 minutes to give her a horsey back ride or help with homework for 10 minutes . . but then he's right back on the back porch smoking his cigar, playing his guitar, and drinking his beer.
He probably drinks anywhere from 6 to 10 beers a night. His tolerance level just keeps getting higher and higher.
He recently had to have surgery because he had some sort of cyst on the very top of one of his legs (on the inside of his butt cheek really). The surgeon TOLD him that it was due to his alcohol intake and that if he doesn't stop that medical conditions would continue to manifest themselves. He didn't drink that ONE night. The next night he was proud he "only had 2", the next night it was 3, and now he's back to the 6-10.
He went to rehab once before (when our daughter was 6 months old). He wrote a journal everyday (he was there about 30 days) and I really thought things were going to be different. For Valentine's day this year I copied what he had written me and placed it on his nightstand telling him how much I loved AND MISSED my best friend. When I asked him if he got my gift he said "what gift?" and I have NO idea what he did with the letters and his journal. He's like denying they even exist. Of course I wasn't dumb enough to give him them back without copying them first. . . . but it breaks my heart that he could just discard them so easily!!
This past weekend was hard because . . . well, we are very close with our next door neighbors and another couple in the neighborhood. There was yet another couple who used to live in our neighborhood who came to visit and we had a few get togethers. EVERYONE sees it and all my friends (the wives) were talking with me this morning and reaffirming that YES, he has a BIG problem . . . and we even talked of an intervention.
Again, I'm just so scared to rock the boat and risk losing SO much. If we divorced or separated (because YES, I believe no matter what he would choose the alcohol over my daughter and I) I have no idea where I'd go or what I'd do. It would DESTROY my daughter . . . and the ONE thing I wanted to give her was a happy family for life.
It seems the more I try to talk or reason with my AH, the worse things get. But then when I ignore and try not to "nag", it doesn't get any better.
*sigh*
I type fast so I have a feeling this is probably pretty long at this point.
I hope I didn't break any rules or say too much for my first post. I could write 10 more pages . . there's so much I want to get out.
If you made it all the way through . . thanks. I'll submit my post and cross my fingers that someone can relate to my story and what I'm going through.
Oh, last but not least though: I LOVE MY HUSBAND WITH ALL MY HEART.
Welcome to MIP.... I think you'll be surprised how many people, myself included, who will read your post and nod their head saying - "yep, that is/was me".... Your story is common, and you are among friends who understand here....
Your situation, in many ways, is similar to that of the alcoholic... You will choose to get better, when you are truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired". There IS help available for you, through Al-Anon, reading literature, going to meetings, etc., etc....
One comment that hit home for me, was when you said: It would DESTROY my daughter . . . and the ONE thing I wanted to give her was a happy family for life.
I would never encourage anyone to leave - far from it. I WOULD encourage you, however, to think about that comment, from the perspective of what you do want to model for your daughter. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.... If he manages it as well as you insinuate today, chances are that it will escalate, and his life WILL become unmanageable.
Choose recovery for you & your daughter.... Learn lots, read lots, and keep an open mind towards what you need to get yourselves healthier....
Take care, and keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you SO much for responding! You're absolutely right.
My AH threatened to leave about 2 weeks ago. He was all the way to the point he was packing a suitcase on the bed. The horrible thing was that he was doing it in front of our daughter though and she was an absolute wreck; begging and pleading her Father not to leave. So what did I do? I begged him to stay. I know in so many ways it was so wrong of me to do that . . . to tell him I'd put up with it and that it was me who had to change (to learn to deal with his need to "simply have a few beers" every night).
I keep thinking I can "manage" things. I keep thinking if only I could change MY attitude that things will get better and I can provide that perfect life for my daughter . . .
I get SO angry at my AH when I start to face the reality that no matter what, my daughter is going to have to experience SOMETHING in this . . . either him staying and us being able to work through it (or the mess if he decides to just keep drinking), or me deciding it's not the right environment for her to grow up in.
I just don't know which is the right path to take. Which pain is the worse of two evils to inflict on a child??? So I keep saying "I'll manage" and "I'll cover up" and "I'll justify" . . so she keeps going to bed at night with a smile on her face thinking all is right with the world, when in reality it's NOT.
No you are not talking in circles and I understand your resoning as I have been exactly where you are. I too wanted my child to have the perfect childhood and thought I could pretend enough to pull it off. I was wrong-The pretending became too painful and it wss then I surrendered and sought the rooms of alaon.
You are in the right place. The simple tools that alanon offers will effect a great change in your attitude and enable you to place your attention on yourself and learn constructive tools to have a good life.
Please take everyone's suggestions and keep coming back you and your child are worth it.
I'm looking forward to getting a couple books in the mail I ordered from Amazon.com and getting started on the "steps". Are they anywhere in this forum that I can read them now??
I have so many questions and barely know where to begin. Like, how do I stop myself from (gently) confronting him almost every day about his drinking? Or when he does something like (and he just did this) trips over the coffee table and shatters the glass . . . how do I react to it? I mean, I made him clean it all up in the morning (I didn't help) and he went the very next day and bought a new coffee table with matching ending tables . . . but then he says "it was dark" and absolutely refuses to admit it had anything to do with the fact that he was drunk!!
Am I supposed to try to talk to him about it? Am I supposed to ignore it completely and follow the Al-Anon program and hope he realizes he has a problem because his wife is seeking out help?
Alanon suggests that we are powerless over alcohol. Talking about it arguing about it does not help. He knows he has a problem.
Alanon suggests that we detach from the behavior and simply try to take care of ourselves. Not easy at times. You did well not cleaning up the broken table (no enabling there) and he replaced it. You did well!! The 12 steps can be found in the liturature and on line We use the same 12 steps as AA.
Just try to be gentle with yourself and know you will find help
And Welcome to the MIP Family... You are def. at the right place, and you are Soooo not alone...I grew up with an Afather, AGrandfather/grandma, I have an Abrother... And just the short amount of time that i have started this program since the lose of my Afather a few short months ago...I have learned so much about the way I look at the disease now, and how to help me Move Forward, and let the addicts be the addicts...
Something that benifited me was practicing "Detaching with Love"...That is wonderful... You will be so suprized at the outcome that you will make yourself free from his Alcoholism...I think before you can project what the future holds for you and your daughter, you have to start focusing on the now...Live ONLY in today... "One Day at A Time" as we like to say in Al-anon...
As for your daughter... When she see's that you are detaching from the disease, and not your husband, she will see the change in you as well, and can still have wonderful family memory's..
I too have ALWAYS been a caretaker.. Don't even have to be family, anyone anywere, I must have wore a sign on my head, that read "Drop your sh-t here" because it was a fload gate of stress and I always thought of everyone before me... Al-anon so far has taught me that I am worth it...As are you and your daughter... I would suggest some "Daily Readers", they are a great way to start your morning, some of the ones I have and hear about are "Hope for Today" & "Courage to Change"... Just suggestions...And girl... Tell yourself 100 times a day the "Serenity Prayer"....
GOD Grant me the Serenity to Except the things I CAN NOT CHANGE (Hints the A), the Courage to Change the THINGS I CAN (hints yourself and how you handle it) and the Wisdom to KNOW THE DIFFERNCE....
I know I say that 100 times a day myself... My Sister in Law baught me the bracelet, and I wear a ring that I can read all day long if that is the kind of day I am having...I never thought it would work, but boy have I been a fool... I only wish I could have learned this before loosing my Afather.. But am Soooo Grateful for the wonderful people here that hold me up when I feel down, and the ones that celebrate when I am having a Wonderful day...
You are Here...You Took the 1st step....I would suggest a Face to Face (F2F) meeting...I didn't really think they were for me, I was told to attend "AT LEAST" 6 times... I did, and tho it took the 6th time, IT WAS SO WORTH IT... And the on line meetings are wonderful as well, you don't have to share, you can just sit in and listen, to other peoples ESH (Experience, Strength, & Hope).... Keep coming back... It works If you work it"...
Take what you like and leave the rest...
Glad you found us.... Friends in Recovery Jozie...
It almost seems when I see that word that you have graced the doors of Al-Anon before because that is what we use to identify with rather than the more clinial co-dependent. Anyway... You have stepped into an entirely different world. If you have read back into the archives and come foreward you can understand that there are so many here who have been where you are at now and who have made substantial and miraculous changes in their lives. There was an active alcoholic and or addict present and still they made positive life changes regardless.
Fear is a normal emotion in alcoholism. It is the pivotal emotion on both sides of the disease drinker/enabler and the one emotion that keeps the disease running before all others. The alcoholic thinking about stopping is afraid to consider life without alcohol while the enabler fears life without the alcoholic.
You are just here now. Looking for help and support now. Heres some help don't project into the furture. It isn't here yet and with changes it will arrive different than your worries. As for what has happened yesterday(s) let them go also except that they urged your to arrive here and seek help.
Like the doctor said and like your alcoholic already worries about along with your self, your friends and your neighbors, "it is and will continue to get worse." It is not a secret...everyone already knows it. Secrecy is an illusion in the disease of alcoholism and necessary because he needs to keep it from himself. Compassion rather than judgement and blame works best along with the 3cs. Miracles come to the members in recovery in lots of forms. Maybe another boil on his butt will be enough to cause him to stop long enough and be curious enough to go talk with other alcoholics who have surrendered their drinking and the compulsion to drink over long periods of time and who are willing to lead him to such sobriety.
The best interventions I have ever witnessed were those when the drinking was interrupted by a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. They know first hand and they know best. I pray that for your husband. Yeah I pray another member of AA comes along just at the right time (God) and spoils his drinking forever. It can happen!! It's happened before. Your husband will have to be willing and honest and maybe he is already close. I are one of those "have arrested it types" a hold dual membership in Al-Anon and AA. Sometimes we're called doubles mostly we say miracles. See it happens. Have hope...trust...pray and turn it all over.
Keep coming back here. Find face to face meetings in your area where you can go get what you need from others live and maintain your anonymity at the same time. But go. Keep coming back here. I don't think you could have come across a better e-source of miracles anywhere. God works in mysterious ways huh?
I left my AH to get my kids away from his drinking at home. It didn't help the problem much. We have joint custody and he's drinking when he has them (sometimes) and now I'm not there for them. I used to get all tied up in knots thinking about that. But I do know that I can now be the best parent that I can be when I have my kids and leave him to his higher power. I don't believe there is any right answer when it comes to those decisions. Take your time, my decision was made before I came to Alanon. If it had been the other way around, I may have handled things differently. Be grateful that your here, you will find it most helpful.
Gosh! I think my husband has a twin!! Right down to the guitar playing at night (when he was awake). He is a Cost Analysis Engineer, so it's not like being intelligent had anything to do with his judgement. Alcoholism knows know boundaries.
My husband never understood, until he got sober, how much of our lives were robbed by the disease. How much we missed as a family. I, like you had the peaceful alcoholic. I sometimes think they are even worse for us. If someone is violent, being arrested all the time, crashing cars etc. It'd make for a valid reason to leave. Those peaceful ones leave you wondering if it's bad enough or not. But..even with the peaceful ones we get robbed of so much. No sober holidays, birthdays, anniversaries..we spend them with a drunk person. You can be lonely even with them sitting right there can't you?
I lived that way for 20 years!!. I practically crawled in to Alanon on me knees. There was very little of my former self left. I had given all I had to give. I'm always so glad to see someone younger, with younger children come in. Of course I'm glad when anyone finds their way in because you can never get those lost years back. But I'm even happier when they are young, with young children. It can change so many lives and futures.
I lost way too many to the disease(s). His disease was alcoholism, mine was fighting it and hiding it with all I had, until it consumed me. You know where it got me? Absolutely nowhere in the direction I intended. Just lots of frustration, anger, anguish, resentment and hostility and lots and lots of heart ache. It's terribly difficult to be the parent you want to be with all those emotions in your head running rampant 24/7.
So, after 20 yrs. of dealing with things my way I tried Alanon's way. Things changed. I changed. I had tools to use and work with. I quit flailing every which way and got busy taking care of me. It was very alien indeed. I kept attending meetings and had many light bulb moments as I listened to others. Little by little I made changes and rediscovered me. I was still under all those emotions. I found I had choices. I had tools. I could set boundaries for myself (not him). I learned where my mental limits were. I learned how to walk away (instead of confront) to protect those mental limits.
Now, I'm somewhat sane (hush up everybody)..lol And my husband is sober.
Don't quit before the miracle!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I second so much of what has been said. Do get yourself to a f2f meeting - doing it on your own is not the same. Part of the actual process of recovery for me has been and continues to be learning to be willing to ask for help. Doing some things "all by myself" is important, sure, but recognizing that some situations call for help is ALSO important. Also, saying things out loud and being heard is part of the whole process of no longer stuffing it.
I wanted to leave you with another thought. My family of origin was not an alcoholic one, but it had many behaviours of alcoholism, doubtless passed down through generations. (Where do you think your daughter learned to beg her daddy not to leave? To think that her happiness was predicated on his presence? To be caught up in his manipulation?) Today, my when my mom - who I am sure does not think she has any reason to go to alanon, more's the pity - acts in a healthy way - for example, she takes responsibility for something she did, not blaming it on outside factors - or, equally important, if she does NOT take responsibility for something that WAS caused by outside factors - when she does this, ** I FEEL EMPOWERED **. I surely can't explain it, and I surely wasn't expecting it, but it's as true as true can be, and astonishingly powerful - and I'm now over 50 years old. I really believe you cannot overestimate the positive effect that getting YOURSELF healthy will have on your daughter. Go for it!
Just wanted to stop by and Welcome you to our MIP family. From what you write I think you are probally in the right place, and no doubt at just the right time:) We usually don't find our way here when things are going great. The first thing I learned upon my arrival, and it made me CRAZY to hear from everyone here was that "you have to take care of you and put the focus back on you and your child". You will learn many wonderful things here that can help you in your life and the tools that you will be given will help assist you when you think nothing or no one could possibly understand.
Keep coming back-it really does work.......if you work it:)
your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
My boyfriend is the same, but he knows he has a problem. He goes to work every day, helps with kids, pays all the bills. He usually sits home and drinks and then passes out.
I've been coming here consistently for the past 3 weeks going to the night meetings. And believe me it has helped. 2 days ago I felt so hopeless.
Someone shared that they keep waiting for their A to hit rock bottom and it's just not happening. Then they decided to look at it as when will I (we) hit our rock bottom? That really made me think. I think my rock bottom has been going on for the past year and just getting worse. So I need to climb myself back up from the bottom.
I really feel after step one accepting our life is unmanageable and we are powerless we need to work on detachment. That is what has helped me. I needed to learn to separate my A from the disease and realize the hurtful things he said and did while drunk was his disease talking and not him.
I had said so many hurtful things to him in the past in hopes it would me a light go off in his head and he would change and stop drinking.
But you know what A's have really low self esteem (my A told me last night by having me listen to a song OVER AND OVER he wouldn't talk about it just wanted me to listen to song). That really proved to me how crappy he felt about himself.
So all that time I had been making him feel worse in hopes I was helping I finally realized what I was doing. And not was it only hurting him, but it was hurting me because he would take actions and say things hurtful back to me.
What got me through it all was keep coming back as hopeless as you may feel it does work. And only worry about today. Don't worry about tomorrow until today is over. Know you are powerless don't just think it because it's not good enough. I had to KNOW it which was hard to take in. And then detaching is also extremely hard but the first time you sit there letting him pass out in the bathroom, say hurtful things and not fall for his game and argue back you will start to feel better. Believe in your HP.
I also keep in mind I have been with him 3 years so I can't expect to change myself for the better over night or a week. It took me 3 years to get here it's going to take me at least half that amount of time to get better if not longer. Each day can get better though if we mind our own business and worry about us and not them anymore.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I read your post and thought wow you and I have the same Alcoholic person that we live with I have hear those exact same words I am not an alcoholic because
My Abf doesn't drink and drive.
He doesn't go to bars.
He's NEVER abusive.
Like you I thought ok he just drinks to much but then now I see he is an Alcoholic and he says these things to tell himself its ok to drink and ok to drink as much as he does because not all the rules apply to him. But a good friend reminded me of something I always tell me kids.
If i walks like a duck talks like a duck then its a duck even if it feathers are purple
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
