The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For me letting go and letting god is a process. I would like to set the record straight on some things that have been typed out in the room to me while others are there that have been hurtful and inaccurate. This is for my recovery. You need not reply or even read this. What I am going to write is fact from some fictions. I do not mind sharing what I will since I have shared this in open chat with others before.
I am not a drug addict. I do take prescription medications for my depression and chronic pain. I do see several doctor's regularly.
I have never been stoned online or anytime in my life. I type fast and I am trying to type slower to help respect others who wish to talk.
I do not tell half-truths. I am a very truthful person. In fact, as you can see I am probably too truthful. I feel by being truthful I can help others here as well as my own recovery. Being truthful is a part of my moral and value systems.
I am not hurting my alcoholic daughter's anonymity by talking of her at this website. In fact, I have been told that my daughter is my qualifier and it is fine to talk of her. My daughter also encourages me to participate in alanon and she also is supported in telling whatever she wishes to tell at her AA meetings about her family. I do trust that here on the message board, in meetings and in the chatroom that people do and will keep anonymity. I do keep them and if I have made any error, I am willing to make amends.
I did use the name kim19 once in 1/4 of a meeting and once for a short time (less than 10 minutes) during chat to see what all the fuss was about using different names. I did not talk to anyone but just observed. I also did tell the monitor at the time I was doing this. I only use my cdb name and never sit as a guest and watch. Nor will I ever use any name but cdb unless the computer makes me make necessary changes.
I do talk in PM, private messages. I do not go their to gossip. If it has seemed like gossip to someone, I am willing to make amends. I go into PM to support and be supported. I do vent when needed for my own mental health and try to keep it factual.
I do not make up information. Any information that John/owner has used is from transcripts. In fact, I never read all the transcripts and just found out tonight some things that were included that really hurt me. I did walk away from my computer to calm down and did not see all that was said. To stop any gossip, a person can get a copy of the general meeting notes from Wednesday from dot.
I did take a break from MIP due to the stress that I had from situations here. I am in charge of detatching and I am not good at it yet. I came back because of all the friendships and support I have here. I am working on what somebody thinks of me is none of my business.
I never did reply to any post trying to slam anyone. I try to reply in an honest caring and truthful way. I do and did try to make amends on this issue.
I am not a person anyone should have trust issues with while in the chatroom or anywhere. I do not record people's isp numbers, etc. I only did this one time when it was appropriate and I did post about it here. Another member gave me the isp number as we can see anyone's isp number when using the MIRC system. Nothing was ever done with this number and I don't even know whose it is.
I am doing this for my own recovery. And once again, since the things I mentioned were typed to me in front of many members, I feel it was appropriate for me to post this here. I do not feel like a victim. I am not trying to be a tattle tale. I am only trying to be a part of a great website that is here for poeple to be safe and heal. That is all I want. Thanks for letting me share and to be honest. This is not intended to hurt anyone, only to help me by setting the record straight. cdb
You'll ALWAYS be one of the people that I greatly enjoyed listening and talking with online here. I do not plan on being online much because that in itself becomes an addiction. Did you know there is an actual addictive disorder called IAD? Internet Addiction Disorder? It's interesting, as I used to be online years ago when I was going through so much abuse in my relationship-- it was my ONLY escape AND it served its purpose for a time. However, since I've learned to turn from so much focus on my problems and talking about that ALL the time and instead do something to change my life, my circumstances and stop feeling sorry for myself for choices that I decided to make. There's ALWAYS a way out and another HUGE reason I choose not to participate online is because the more I dwell or talk about my problems, the harder life seems to become... I will no longer waste my ENERGY on concentrating on the negative in my life and instead pursue my education, my career, housework, enjoying the lake I live on and the sounds of the birds, the beautiful blue sky, trees blowing in this warm air as the new season approaches--- I've learned that we can NEVER find peace in other individuals, but ONLY in God. What else I've learned is that when a person truly finds that peace and trust in God, they become less and less dependent on other people because you can have peace ALWAYS. Don't get me wrong-- it is VERY important to have friends and people you can count on and have in your life, as God brings them to us in ALL situations. However, there comes a time when enough is enough and that it's time to put your faith to test and completely TRUST God for our lives, give Him all the glory for the friendships, failures and joys in our lives. I'm THERE now and so do not want to fall back into my codependent ways of be dependent on people to be okay. Codependency like Alcoholism is an addiction and as an Alcoholic has to learn to overcome alcohol, a codependent needs to learn how to overcome being dependent on others ALL the time for their support. Just my opinion--what's the difference really? :))) I made a choice when I got out of my abusive relationship that I did not want to look back at the life I chose when I was 60 and wish I would have done something different. In turn, I continue to live with any dream I discover inside of me. Where there's a will, there's a way and where theres God at the ROOT, there's ALWAYS strength to pursue ANYTHING.
Something else I learned is that God ALWAYS provides what we need and it isn't until we are satisified with what we need that God offers so much more of what we want in many situations-- BUT, it MUST be clear in our hearts and our relationship with ONLY Him. My recovery process primarily from reading scripture and Melody Beattie books has led me to this level of recovery. Once we learn of God's grace and mercy, we can know that our lives are precious to Him and that He wants the very best for us. I have a hard time believing when it clearly states in scripture that to be drunk with wine is being disobedient to God and that we should be filled with the holy spirit instead that God intends my life to be with an unequally yoked human being such as an alcoholic. I also have a hard time accepting and tolerating the alcoholics behavior BECAUSE we all HAVE ISSUES to some extend and are held accountable for our actions-- they are ABSOLUTELY NO different. I will love them and pray for them. However, there comes a point you turn it over to God. Just like our children ya know... you guide them and teach them, but they then become an age that it is their responsibility to take all that you guided them with and apply it. In my case, my children are approaching mid to late teen years, have made their confirmation and it is now THEIR responsibility to develop their relationship with God fully. We're done!!! We can love them and allow them to form their relationship with their creator. As difficult as it might be, it is necessary for true wisdom and growth as an individual. Take Care cdb!!! I prayer for the BEST for you. You're awesome! :)))
Thanks for the caring words. Wow! But you are way to kind. When I first got my computer 5 years ago I went right to the online world of support for fibromyalgia. It was a life saver for me since alot of people did not know much about it and so many of us were frantically looking for support and answers. Most of us sufferers could not go out of our homes much either due to our poor health. So the internet world was a life saver for us. It still is a life saver for me with my continued health problems and difficulty getting out of the house. I do remember being quite addicted to the computer. I do now regret the time I spent on it with my 2 kids only being teenagers. I will suggest to mothers with young children etc. to keep that in mind too. So, yes, your words are very valuable.
I do need to connect more with God for sure. He is for me my way of surrendering. I was very angry at God for a long time due to some health injustice and finally came back to him through my support online groups. I learned that when I would ask for prayers that some of them would be answered. My faith was not as strong as now though with the total heart break of an alcoholic/drug addicted daughter, recovering now, Thank God.
Thanks again for your kind words. Just remember that I am only human and I do make mistakes and can be mean and cruel too. I do hope you continue to post and reply because I feel you add a great deal to this message board. Like me, taking a break can be good but coming back is even better! :) your friend in recovery, cdb
I sincerely wish that you did not have to feel that you needed to make this post. This is such a simple program for complicated people. People often complicate the one of the first premises of this program - Principles above Personalities.
I fortunately missed all the bruhaha of the last few days. I thank HP for that. Simply for the sake that I was not given the opportunity to become jaded by anothers words to form opinions of others whom I have never had the chance to meet.
I find you to be a very supportive and caring person - with a great deal of common sense and recovery. I value your input in the rooms. And for those times I may not agree - simply take what I like and leave the rest.
I hope you can move past all of this with no resentments. Keep your chin up and smiling. HP is taking care of you - and loves you - as do I.
Karen
__________________
Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
cdb, that is the most wonderful thing about God actually.. knowing that WE are all human and make mistakes-- having His mercy and grace offering forgiveness. I can relate to the entire being mad at God thing because I spent 28 years of my life not even knowing who God was nor did I even truly believe in God, as I come from a metaphysical background full of spiritual advisors, tarot card readers, myself being one of them for quite a time. It was all that I knew-- interestingly enough I discovered that being a tarot card reader, I indirectly acknowledged I had COMPLETE control over my lifes circumstances. That alone should indicate how controlling those types of beliefs are in allowing a person to be distorted to what truly is reality. I will say having been taught that way of life, that we are completely in control of our future opened me up to all my abusive relationships AND the discovery of how much I was taught to control my destiny. In fact, for someone who could read peoples lives and circumstances being so intuitive to do so, my own life had never been more complex and out of control-- there is such irony in that and was all the proof I needed to recognize God for who He is and how He contributes to who I am completely now in my life.
I'm sorry if I appeared to be critical in judging the use of the internet, as that wasn't my intention. The internet is an awesome place and opens so many doors for us individually, but like everything else in this world we are presented with, it can have a negative impact on our lives as well if not balanced with the other areas of our life. I guess that is what I was trying to really emphasis in that last post. I think it is wonderful for a person who is disabled to have the opportunity to talk with others, or even for myself because of the limited time I have to even socialize these days due to work and school. Just talking with others is good enough for me to break up the seriousness in my life. :)
Ya know cdb... I think you remember me telling you how my 5 nieces and nephews, ages 4, 6, twins-9, and 12 year old all died in a fire in 1997. Then there father shortly after from smoke inhalation two weeks later. Additionally, my ex attempted suicide twice in the first year we were married and during our divorce. My daughter developed a seizure disorder on top of all this and during this time as well after have accused my ex of sexual abuse. I guess you can say when I threw my tarot cards away and had gotten actively involved in the church for the first time in my life, All HELL literally broke lose-- Satan was losing his grasp on my life, as my focus became God and all the deception of how awful God was in my life to give me a life of so much hell around me came to light. It wasn't and is NEVER God that presents us with these tragedies, as it is the world we live in and who is in control of this world? Lucifer. God just uses the situations that we are presented with to teach us about ourselves if we let Him do so. Often times, we turn away because we blame Him for what has occured in our life negatively. I have come to find that I am the person today because of both the tragedy and joy in my life and know that I would not change one thing because of that.... If I were to die tomorrow, I KNOW in my heart that I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be at this moment in time with my strong faith in God focused on eternal life and NOT the disappointments of this world.
I feel we give way too much power to the negative aspects of our life and in turn, blame God because we would rather do that than hold ourselves accountable for our choices. That is EXACTLY what Satan wants and keeps us from gaining wisdom and peace as well because we are always prone to guilt which diminishes confidence in our choices. I can say this because I lived it for years. I made bad choices and rather than correct those choices, I blamed God for an awful world. It wasn't until I change my choices as difficult as they were and recognized that God ultimately wants what is best for me, my children, for you and ALL of us really that my life began to change.
Sure we'll still have tragedy and difficult heartaches to deal with, obstacles to overcome because that is what this WORLD is about-- it's an imperfect world and it's only in eternity that we will experience our rewards of our beliefs during this temporary journey back home. :))) I myself, look VERY forward to that time.
Well, I could just go on and on because I love to write, as I'm sure you have noticed. hahaha That is why I'm writing my autobiography and hope to publish it someday. My words are powerful I've come to discover by accident actually, which is what has encouraged me to write my book. Writing comes natural to me. Ironic that I hated English my entire life and barely passed and even failed English Composition throughout all of grammar and high school. God took my most difficult areas of my life and worked it for good for me and He will continue to do so until my time here is through.....
I'll stop here so I don't keep you much longer. Hang in there and ALWAYS remember that in EVERY circumstance there is a reason for it occuring AND someday we will know what that reason was--- there are NO coincidences.
Hang in there. I too find you very supportive and caring. I have learned a lot from your posts.
I don't go in the chatroom much, so I don't know what is said. All I can say is to try and ignore it. You are here, doing the right things for all the right reasons.
i agree with alamom. principles above personalities. gotta take a deep breath.......remember why you come here and then ..........let it go. it's really a lesson in how we practice this program in all our affairs. a simple program.....complicated people. we tend to complicate things, stick our will in the middle of stuff. read suntansuzie's post............it's all perspective really. can't control what other people do, but i can control my reactions. try real hard to rise above the bs and take what i can that's "program" . the rest is crap.......and i get enough of that in the real world. i don't need it in these rooms too. so i choose not take that onto my shoulders. i dodge and it goes right by. i choose not to get hurt. just for today, i will not be too sensitive.
saw a tribute to the pope today..........not sure how i feel about the politics of that, just know he was a great man who truly cared about people and the world. young man played a guitar for him in the tribute . except he had no arms. he was a thalidomide victim and was playing with his feet. it brought me to tears truly. here i am b)*%ing about who cleans the house and here's someone who can't even wipe his own nose. how selfish i get. anyways. it's not you cdb. try hard to practice detachment and things won't hurt so much.
Let there be no gossip of one another, but let the peace of the program be with you , One Day at a Time. One thing that came to mind when I read all of this is,,"hurting people, hurt people". I agree with the responses,,,we have enough crap in our lives, if we didnt we wouldnt be here, and we certainly do not need it here.
I just want to help people understand that some of us who suffer from chronic pain or depression do have a harder time detatching or ignoring others. It is a process. If I could cure my depression I would have by now. Unfortunately, small amounts of stress are hard for me to cope with, otherwise I would still be teaching. As long as people realize that others here come to alanon with illnesses and intense pain which makes it hard to detatch and ignore, then maybe people can be more compassionate to all. It really isn't that easy for all of us to do. I do like the dodging image. Picture images always help me. For any that may have been offended by what I put, please do not be judgemental. Take what you want and leave the rest. And thanks again Sanddie for all you said. Your friend in recovery, cdb
Please don't forget that your kindness is very helpful to others that you talk to, weather it is in a reply on this board or on the chat room. I have seen it first hand. I am greatful for all you have done for me being a shoulder to lean on when I need to talk when I am upset or being there for me when I am angry and lets not forget when I am happy. You have truely become a friend and as I am I know that many others feel the same way. Lets not forget the new commers that drop in chat when in desperation and just need to ask questions or to talk to someone!!
I agree that it is sad that you feel you needed to set the record strait! You have been very open and honest.
