The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ah and I are separated. It has been on and off for about 2 years and sporadically we flirt with reconciliation, though it doesn't take long for the idea of that to be blasted into oblivion, once we spend a few days together.
We do really well superficially. It seems a relationship without expectation or depth works well for us. We can leave to our separate corners/quarters when the goings get tough and not have to do business with one another. I would equate it to a sort of "casual dating" relationship.
I find it very difficult to be nice to him for an extended period of time. There are many things about him that I don't like. Not just the addictions. (I can accept that he has addictions. I do too, just not in the form of alcohol.) There are other things that really bother me, that don't match my own moral codes or ethics, but furthermore, that I dont' respect. I don't feel like our lifestyles compliment each others well. I don't feel a partnership. I don't feel connected. and the list can go on...
I guess I have difficulty knowing if I am being judgemental and shooting myself in the foot. Or if we genuinely aren't a good match. I feel like I am always forcing myself to be kind, be open, be respectful, be nice, be accepting, etc. It doesn't come naturally for me anymore. I don't know if it doesn't come naturally because I am sick with "the disease" or if because we aren't a good match. Simply we've run our course with one another.
I think it is the latter, but I hesitate to make the final decision for divorce because I feel uncertain about my ability to make a reasonable decision. There are things I value in my aH and that I love about him, but I tend to wonder if its just not enough to live out our lives together. I don't want to live like I am always judging and onguard. I also don't want him to live like he's always being judged.
I could have written your post myself I no longer live with my A. I love and miss him very much I too have addiction and understand his illness is not personal however this does not make it any easier to live with. I have told my A he carnt meet my needs and will only chat on the phone. He says he is going to sort himself out, no sign of that. I feel in limbo like yourself dont want to make the wrong dicision.
Al anon says one day at a time I am trying not to worry about the future to much. I know the answer will come to me in time if I keep working my programme. I am concetrating on living my life and working on my addiction. I keep contact with my A try and be compassionate but the outcome of this relationship I hand over to HP.
all I know is the loving partnership i desire he can not give me so I will not have a proper relationship with him unless he starts to work on himself too at least then I would know there was some hope.
Although I have contact with my A I have an open mind to new relationships too I carnt waite around forever I pray to HP to guide me to make healthy choices for myself and my children while being, kind and considerate of others hope this helps
Aloha Rora!! Keep at it. One of the many other things I have learned in recovery is to change my beliefs and behaviors so that being unconditionally loving, compassionate, caring, kind, generous and all of the rest of the positive spiritual tools were normal and my usual state of character and the negative ones were the non-normal ones to everyone around me and not just to a select few. It has gotten to the point where I don't have to force myself to be within HP's will for me but have to force myself to be outside of it. If you commit to the program as a way of life this will happen for you also and spiritual balance will be almost entirely unshakeable. I have not lost my ability or opportunity to choose and my choices are usually to "love anyway" and "do the next right thing".
Many Hugs to you, sounds like you have alot on your plate... If I was were you are I would give it all over to my HP, and let him sort it out...Love does not EVER go away over night, and I sooo understand that there are things that drive you crazy about him, but in the same sense, it is hard to let that final thread go...
Hold your head up and know that what you are about to do is going to be for YOU, and only YOU, I was always told that you will be the first to know if it is right or wrong, you will find your way, keep coming back and working your program, and your HP will lead you...
Sometimes FAITH is all we have, but for me it has never let me down...
I just wanted you to know that I feel like I could have written your post too. This is very difficult to know I don't want to go backwards to how it was but exactly how to go forward is not certain either. ODAT with hp is what I am trying to do and be patient also. It was helpful for me to read all the replies to your post too.
Keep coming back and I will too.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Rora, I sat on the fence for almost 3 years. Its hard, really hard and really painful. I cannot believe I lived in that limbo and managed to begin and complete 2 grad school degrees at that time! WOW, talk about the power of HP, at least I/HP & I were able to be productive some how! But it was so hard for me to remain focussed on my school work, let me tell you.
I just woke up one morning and it was so clear- like a bell going off- I was D-U-N, done! No more on the fence. I just knew and I have no idea how that came about except that it was so clear and so clearly from HP. When the time comes, you will be ready and you will know also.
But I hear you. I have felt this way, too and now we have no contact at all, are divorced and my life is waaay better in every way. Even though I lost so much, materially, I got me back and have kept me quite nicely. I could not thrive/survive in that marriage anymore, I needed to grow, be ME and keep the focus on me, I felt like I had a destiny that I needed to "do" and struggling with his abusive behaviors just kept me down but I had DV in my marriage which was not going to change and I needed to keep myself alive and whole and safe.
What I am saying is that it just all fell together. It has NOT been easy but its going. One single hour at a time, sometimes but its going! I am better, WAY better not being in that marriage. Some manage to stay and figure it out and I can also see that that would be a huge victory as well- depends upon your situation and where you are at and what is going on- depends as we are all each unique and so are our A's. But your time will come and it will be the right way to go and you will know with all your heart that HP is calling it out on you. There will be no doubt, I promise you, and it is SWEET. Hugs, J.
I agree wholeheartedly with Jean. I asked the same questions you are asking and one Friday night in a meeting someone said that "I will just KNOW when the time is right." and that Monday my ex relapsed again and I knew I was done. I wasn't leaving out of anger, spite or a desire to get him to change. It was because I no longer wanted to live that way.
And it has been hard. My decision to leave was made with peace but with saddness. There was a good amount of grief in leaving. It has changed my entire life and it was the best decision I ever made. There was DV in my marriage also but at the time I was far more troubled by his relapses. It doesn't really matter. WHat matters is I trusted my HP to help me decide when I was ready and I was ready, I stayed gone.
I have grown and changed in so many ways and my life is far better than I could have ever imagined. My children are happy and healthy. They no longer have the behavior issues they had when ex was around.
I've been sitting on the same fence you are for 8 months. Alanon helped me see more clearly what my AH was trying to tell me. I was too busy forcing solutions to listen. He didn't know if he could change, he was scared, I was not on the top of his list. Alanon helped me not to take it so personally. The disease has him, I don't. I deserve more.. if not from someone else, from myself. I deserve to be good to myself and not revolve my life around his problems. I've reached a decisions after so much pain and grief, but I'm feeling better little by little. I can see brighter days ahead.
(((rora))) I'm sitting on that fence myself - will gladly share my customized cushions with you!
I pray daily to my HP to show me the next right thing. So far, leaving or asking my AH to leave has not clearly shown itself to be that next right thing. At the moment, I'm considering this as a message that I have other work to do on myself before it will become crystal clear. Now all I have to do is muster the courage to do that footwork.
I think many of us go through long periods of indecision and stuckness. One thing that got me out of being stuck was to make a plan be. What did I need to make a life without the ex A. the plan I came up with was very rudimentary. In fact I'm on a post plan be plan but it helped to separate me out. I was 'fused' to the ex A. I had to become unfused to see the trees and also to be in reality.
