The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He seemed to be getting better, on the right track... and then in the blink of an eye, literally, everything spiraled downward and he is hospitalized for consuming enough drugs to have caused an OD. The hand of God spared his life and now, after many emotions and many what do I do... am trying to understand my own feelings in all of this. I'm so hurt, upset, angry, sad, scared and thankful that he is still alive. Just wanted to put this out there. Has anyone been through this before? And are there any thoughts on how to deal with this. I am getting to an alanon meeting tomorrow, and on Monday will be speaking with his Dr again... but am experiencing a lot of pain now and want to make sure I take care of myself the right way in all of this.
Hello Angel , am sorry for your husbands struggle . and it truly is his stuggle you cannot save him from himself . hopefully he will see this as positive thing and seek recovery while u do the same for yourself . Let him know he is loved and have compassion for his fight with this damn disease. I will be thinking of u both . Louise
At this time it is good to wrap yourself with others who understand both on this site and face to face meetings. You will be with others who have gone thru what you are going thru now. I have gone thru friends and family who have ended it for themselves both voluntarily and carelessly. I have also approached the doors of what I call an "unsuccessful" suicide myself on several occasions by a near overdose with alcohol and other means. I learned to call it "unsuccessful" when I learned that a successful suicide is "ending how you live your life" rather than ending your physical existence. Where did I come about such an understanding? It the face to face meeting rooms of first the Al-Anon Family Groups and then 9 years later Alcoholics Anonymous. My life was a wreck and I needed to have it stop and how that is best done for me is changing how I live.
You are now within a family of unconditional and unending love. You can let go of all of the fear and let this family and the ones you meet in the rooms of Al-Anon love you until you start feeling secure again regardless of what happens with your husband. It goes without saying that he is also loved unconditionally and he will also be supported until he reaches the very same level of fearlessness and security. HP and the program will support us even when we can stand on our own two feet and help support another also.
My mom died for five minutes while she was p/g with me. She had one of those out of body-after life experiences u sometimes hear about. Again when I was 14, I found her half dead - had to call family to come get her, have her stomach pumped in hospital, the whole 9 yards.
I have attempted suicide over a 21 year period, three different times, three diff ways. As u see, I had all those feelings/issues to work through, like 'not even god wants me' - well, that's what my sick mind told me. Then there is the shame, guilt, humiliation and social stigma of it all to work through.
I used a therapist for a lil while but that didn't work very well for me - I felt like all they were doing was validating the hard work I was doing and I didn't need to waste three hours a week, plus the money for another person to say, 'great job' on what I was working out for myself. I did it by opening up, being vulnerable & sharing with other people in al-anon. I also (naturally) had to do a lot of forgiveness work with myself -- mainly forgiving me for being so hurt, confused & cruel to myself. I got busy working on discovering what it meant to love *me* and I did a lot of my recovery work by using simple logic with myself. For example, I wanted to be healthy in every way. I noticed other "healthy" people took time out for themselves, in a almost selfish way at times but that is self-preservation, something I don't know if I lost it or never had it. I knew that if I didn't love me, another A would come into my life & wreck it all over again... b/c if I didn't love me, who would? I knew the answer.
I got focused on me and took my attention off of other people -- like my mom for instance. Once in a while she talks to me about suicidal thoughts but I know that i have to detach from the idea that I could stop her or help her in any way. Just like if I ended up doing myself in, it wouldn't be b/c of her doing or not doing. I referred to a book I bought on the subject and it said the same thing - you cannot be responsible for another person's decision. Suicide is an individual choice - a very tragic, permanent one but it is a singular decision, that for me came out of a lot of fear and pain and hopelessness.
It is not your fault, not your responsibility, has nothing to do with you and like any other disease, love cannot cure, stop or change it. In al-anon, I have learned to cope, how to love myself, how to detach from others but still love them, how to recover, how to live.
I can say that everytime I woke up the next day after an attempt, I was extremely grateful to still be here. I may have felt stupid & humiliated but I felt grateful, nonetheless.
I encourage you to exprss your feelings on this matter, until you have exhausted the depths of it. I know it is taboo in society to even think of such a (sinful) thing but it is a human issue and a part of reality.
I am here to tell you there is hope and recovery.
If you ever want to private message me here to talk about this further, I'd be happy to talk about it, I know it's a hard subject.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you all so much! I went to the meeting and got support there as well. There have been so many thoughts and feelings running through me over the last 4 days and to say the least. RIght now I am realizing that he too could have killed me. I could have been in that vehicle, as we were supposed to be driving out of town together with the kids, and he could have killed all of us. So now, I am thankful to be alive. And instead of focusing on his 2nd chance at life, I am realizing that this is also MY second chance at life.... what am I going to do to recover for myself. And... there are many random acts in life that cause death that I have no control over. However, I do have control over putting myself in a situation with AH that is sure to end in death. So I will no longer stand with him in his deathwish because I am certain now that it will only end in my and possibly my childrens deaths as well. I know it might sound morbid, but I really believe it is to that extent. Still so many steps to take and so much to work through, but at least I have the clarity to see this part of it.
the ex A who I was with drove recklessly all the time. Its taken years for me to say I will no longer be in a car with someone when they drive like that. I'm glad you are getting help and support.
I so appreciate the support from you all. And am so surprised about the support from AH dr who told me to take time for me over the weekend. I started seeing so much about me and how exhausted I was from worrying about him. Well I do care very much for him and his wellbeing and want him in my life, only if he is not going to play russian roulette with our lives. I was strong enough to convey this to him and after tons of promises he will change his way, he finally conceded to the rational idea that he needs inpatient treatment. He has taken so many small steps towards recovery, even this terrifying act - I believe was even a step towards real recovery. And somewhere in my believing in my own life and that I am starting fresh, because I have been given a second chance... he decided he wants to be in that new fresh life with me and I will just continue praying that God shows me the direction and the steps I need to take in my life because I cannot do this alone. It would honestly be easier if he would just say f/you I am doing my own thing. Now I have no choice but to realize my own illness that brought me to these depths with him and take seriously my own recovery and allow him to do his own thing. I'm glad he chose recovery and am choosing to take one step at a time up this big hill I have ahead of me.
