The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I decided to post on the board where I'm at at the moment to get some things off my chest on an event that took place last week.
I have completely lost a what I thought was a valued friend who I had a relationship with for 6months last year which ended in October last year. We kept the friendship going as we both agreed our friendship was worth keeping. Now this close friendship we kept up seems to be what has lead to my ex partner (recovering al) dumping me completely saying he wishes never to speak or see me again.
To cut a long story short he could not handle being in my company surrounded by males giving myself attention whilst he was not in centre of attention left to mix with his friend he arrived with. The recovery process is to remove yourself fromthe situation hence he binned me by a keep it simple text message.
I feel hurt that a year of close friendship and bonding can be thrown away so simply.
My lesson on a positive note is that when a man finishes a relationship with me I it's in my best interest not to push for more as this seems to be the spiral I fall into every timehurting myself in the hope we will get back together and the fairy tale relationship will happen. I find it hard letting go due to living with an al for 10 years. I think my accepting the fact I will more than likely never hear from him again is where am struggling.
I do wonder whether it is possible I could have been using this man as my hp as he is the person who forwarded me onto al-anon and has been almost like what I see as a sponsor from what I have learnt in al-anon
Thank you members I feel better letting some of that out of my system as at my weekly meet I am not able to share as yet. I keep that simple.
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Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
Even relationships with healthy people can end unexpectedly and without any reason why. I had this happen a few yrs ago, where a guy broke up with me for no reason. I was very bent out of shape for a few weeks & my mom kept telling me, "no one owes you anything, not even an explanation". It was hard to accept but I did.
Try not to focus on forever/the future, as none of us knows what will happen. I have said I wouldn't do this or that but then by some strange turn of events, I find myself doing something I didn't think I would. Being a recovering codependent, I have sd, (for example) 'I'll never call u again" and then a few weeks later, I may call that person again.
It would drive me nuts that I wouldn't keep my own word, so I decided to stop announcing my plans to people I am trying to avoid - I just avoid them one day at a time. At least I don't sound like a nut, saying one thing and doing another.
Today I try very hard to stay forcused on the Now, this present moment - in ten minutes I may change my mind again and do the opposite but that's okay & it's my perrogative.
I would also suggest that u try coming to some online meetings. I know how scary it can be to share at a f2f & in the online mtgs, u are truly anonymous - I love them here & have gotten a lot out of them.
Meeting Schedule: Monday through Friday 9am and 9pm EST, Saturday 10am and 9pm and Sunday 10am and 7pm. New Comers meeting Saturday 7:00pm.. Time Conversion UK + 5
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Some people can "do" it and some cannot and the reasons why may never be known. Yeah, it hurts. Its REJECTION but what are our options in dealing with rejection? Take it on and really take it personally? Or let it go and leave it with them, its theirs afterall not ours! I struggle with this myself but it just gets me into trouble. I have no control over anyone but me- and I need to keep sticking with that.
I met this guy I really liked and it seemed that he really liked me, too but it just fizzled out and I have just let it fizzle out! SO BE IT- it takes to two to interact, we cannot be propping anything or anybody up and we cannot keep a relationship going by ourselves. that would not be a relationship! that would be one person keeping something going!
Its helpful to me to really ask: "HEY, what is in this for me?" it helps me to examine my behaviors, motives, etc. Also, its helpful to really look closely at what I am feeling, naming my feelings and feeling my feelings.
This "terrific" guy was "dying" to see me, meet me in LA and said he would get back to me in 24 hrs re: his schedule so we could meet- that was like 3 weeks ago- LOL! In the past, I would have followed up. NOT ANY MORE! WATCH WHAT THEY DO, NOT WHAT THEY SAY!
And its all OK, I am worth better than that, anyway and its his loss. I do not take it personally. We all make our choices and I respect his. And I make mine. Hugs, J.
Hey thanks for your reply hotrod what you said is so true what I did there was release my own answer through sharing. Wow this is exactly how al-anon helps me I see that every time I go to a meeting. Someone shares a part of their life and bang there is my answer. Truelly amazing
Thank you
-- Edited by chezza at 17:22, 2009-03-10
__________________
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
Jean yes you hit the nail there I dinna take rejection easily a lot of the time I take it personally.
Thanks for that asking myself the question what is in it for me is very helpful. I feel that a lot of the control was with my partner with boundaries being set and then being broken by both of us. What I get from that is confusion and also sent out confusion.
Oh jeeez I totally relate to the whole propping anything I find I do this when a male is not that keen and really we were compatible I push to make it work. Soo much energy used doing so for someone that really aint into me.
This is nice to hear that there is real hope of changing how I deal with these situation. I will stick with the people that are good for me for now and accept that this person is not good for me to be around anymore.
Keeping the confusion out and making it simple.
Jean these words are inspiring >> And its all OK, I am worth better than that, anyway and its his loss. I do not take it personally. We all make our choices and I respect his. And I make mine.
*hugs*
__________________
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
Even relationships with healthy people can end unexpectedly and without any reason why. I had this happen a few yrs ago, where a guy broke up with me for no reason. I was very bent out of shape for a few weeks & my mom kept telling me, "no one owes you anything, not even an explanation". It was hard to accept but I did.
Try not to focus on forever/the future, as none of us knows what will happen. I have said I wouldn't do this or that but then by some strange turn of events, I find myself doing something I didn't think I would. Being a recovering codependent, I have sd, (for example) 'I'll never call u again" and then a few weeks later, I may call that person again.
It would drive me nuts that I wouldn't keep my own word, so I decided to stop announcing my plans to people I am trying to avoid - I just avoid them one day at a time. At least I don't sound like a nut, saying one thing and doing another.
Today I try very hard to stay forcused on the Now, this present moment - in ten minutes I may change my mind again and do the opposite but that's okay & it's my perrogative.
I would also suggest that u try coming to some online meetings. I know how scary it can be to share at a f2f & in the online mtgs, u are truly anonymous - I love them here & have gotten a lot out of them.
Meeting Schedule: Monday through Friday 9am and 9pm EST, Saturday 10am and 9pm and Sunday 10am and 7pm. New Comers meeting Saturday 7:00pm.. Time Conversion UK + 5
Yes this is very true kitty I set very high expectations of people including friends and family am slowly starting to let go of that as we're all individials and I too am allowed to let people down am human. Summat I felt awful doing in the past and realise now it's okay i'm not perfect.
Yes keeping in the present moment is very important a this is where my fear comes from coupled with worry. take one day at a time is what I think of when typing out those words. yes I also slipped into this mode in relationship form setting boundaries with my partner then breaking them. Looking back now tho I now have the answer to how I deal with it NOW to say no and keep things simple. I see that saying no means am more gentle with me .
Ahhh I can definitely see that your working the program keeping it simple and accepting it's okay to have a blip as that's human
Thanks for your share and everyone else who posted I cried again reading through this as each time I get a piece of strength and acceptance.
I will have a look at the online meeting too cheers for the links
*hugs*
__________________
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
