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Ive just spoken to my sister and she says she is amazed that my AH is just leaving without a backward glance. Everything ive read suggests that its hard to lose an AH but this one seems to be well and truly on the run...hes got the chance to be far away and thats what he is doing, leaving our life, his business that he had started to build up by reputation, everyone he knows etc..is this normal/usual for an AH. He is going to a tiny island in the west indies where there really is nothing to do but drink, its a small gossipy island, lots of shinanigans, which he would normally hate, everyone knowing your business..hes always said he would never want to live there, now he is going to. Can anyone explain this behaviour in terms of an alcoholic..ive not begged him to come back like ive always done but really only because i know this time he wont.. any advise would be helpful as it crushes me that he can just turn his back and walk away for good. This is my second post today, so sorry..i just need answers although i know you cant predict what a A will do...i just feel so deserted, i am!
LB, my experience strength and hope is that the alcoholic and the alcohol (or drug of choice) is what comes first. Number one priority. Never heard of or experienced anything different from this unless and until they get their butts into recovery.
Their value system is: 1.) alcohol/drug(s) of choice, 2.) themselves, 3.) the rest of the world/people/jobs, etc. This is their disease. In fact you have absolutely NOTHING to do with it! Which I know sounds odd, but I think its true because EVERYTHING is about THEM. Hugs, J.
His disease doesn't allow him "rational choices". His disease only allows him the ability to think about what it wants - to drink. When I look at the some of the behaiors that mine did, it made no sense. Lots of times he would say things, that I would just shake my head at. Someone once told me that it was the disease talking. I knew mine long before he knew or any of us knew that he had a problem. The man who drank was not the person I knew. When he was sober and we would talk about things that were either said or done, he would shake his head in disbelief. I'm not talking about stupid silly behavior, like falling down or putting a lampshade on his head. I'm talking that he had this plan in place that he was leaving for Florida next week. The man hated warm weather!
There is no rational behavior when a person is in the throws of addiction. It only knows that the addict needs to use. The only thing that makes sense to the addict is doing what the addict wants to do. Love has nothing to do with it. Children, wives, significant others have nothing to do with it. The disease doesn't let you have a rational life. It can't. That's why they call this disease cunning, powerful and baffling.
The only thing you can do now, is to take good care of Lilly. Turn him over to his HP. Work your program. You are not alone in this journey of recovery. Many have been right where you are. Many are right there now. We knows those feelings. Remember to be gentle on yourself. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I wanted answers too. While our recovery program suggests that we gain an intelligent understanding of alcoholism, the bottom line is, we will NEVER truly understand why anyone does what they do. All I could ever conclude, it was pure insanity. How can that be understood? There is no sense to it.
I found consolation in believing that, it would not have mattered WHO he married, me or ANYONE else, he would have behaved the exact same way. I stopped taking it personally.
We moved a lot in our marriage and it always felt nice to start fresh and get away from the current problems, including relationships. However, the problem was, "we" always came with us!! Your AH will find this too. It's only a temporary feel-good solution, his disease is going with him.
I know you feel abandoned by him. But, you are NOT alone, you do have support!! Get to as many face to face meetings as you can, and try an open talk AA meeting (to help you understand the disease, or buy the AA big book, I like reading the stories in the back.) And keep posting here... as often as you need to!! You need to vomit this up so you can feel better. Love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you so much for all your responses, I take much strength from your words and wouldnt know what to do with these feelings if I hadnt found this board and this wisdom. Thank you again. Love Lilly...
In terms of an A, it sounds like he is simply running from responsibilities which they are well known for. As far as that it can be hard to get an A to leave - well, if u begin to change thereby no longer enabling them (lying, making excuses for them & trying to rescue/save them) and set boundaries then we aren't so appealing b/c we are making it difficult for them to use once we begin to implement recovery in our lives. They may leave and find another enabler that is "easier to deal with" or is willing to give in to their manipulation.
This is definetly the place to come to vent and don't feel bad for posting often, we've all done it when we're going throiugh a trying time.
There is a chat room here too, if ur ever interested in talking to someone that has had similar experiences - always some support here, anytime.
Anyway, none of us can know the future, who knows what will happen.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Alcoholics I know call this a geographical cure , * things will be better if I move * and it also gets him away from those of us who love them and have expections , seems if were not around they don't feel quite so guilty about thier behavior . Now is the time to take care of you make sure your bank accounts are safe and protected start attending al anon if your not already learn how to take care of yourself mentally , physically and spiritually find yourself again Only he knows why and right now he probably couldnt give u an honest answer . When alcohol is running his life nothing makes sence . good luck Louise
The experience I had with an ex Ah was he did indeed leave for a while. He knew I would be devastated and could come back anytime. He was right. Until I came to Al anon and worked the steps I was always available. EventuallyI was no longer available. My focus had to switch from him to me. I know that is hard when you've been left but it is really the only way to go. You can spend forever wondering about him and not take care of yourself. Taking care of ourselves seems to be very difficult for codependents.
