The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm a newbie. So new, I don't even know the 12 steps, but just bought 4 books including the AA manual, Co-dependent no more, adult children of alcoholics and another Co-Dependent no more book.
My A has been in meetings for 2.5 months and I'm not sure he took it seriously. Two nights ago, I started reading the Co-Dependent No More book. I cried and cried. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen the next day and I had a headache. This is me. This book is me.
I immediately tried to "distance" myself from the situation and tried to start putting ME first and not live in fear that if I don't "control" the situation, that my A will do something stupid. For 10 years, I've lived in axiety and fear of this. I've gone out of my way to make sure he is happy, so he wouldn't do something stupid. I WAS STUPID. I never realized how depressed I would become.
I realized it 3 days ago when I looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize me. I couldn't put on mascara because I didn't feel pretty or worthwhile. What have I become? This depression didn't happen overnight. It was a progression of 10 years living this way in fear.
Yesterday was the first day of distancing and I immediately felt a difference. My A was really trying to buck it too, but I did not engage him in any fights, arguments, or try to control anything.
At dinner I realized how much my children weren't bothering me. I enjoyed hearing them talk, and was goofing with them. {They are all under 5 which is stress unto itself - LOL and they are all special needs} I think THEY even immediately sensed a difference. I WANTED to be with my kids. I WANTED to hear and see them and did. It was awesome.
I hope God can give me the strength to continue. I am sad, but feeling better.
Thank you all for listening and reading. I never knew for 10 years what was wrong, and in 24 hours felt a difference immediately. I have no idea what tomorrow brings, but today, I'm trying to do for ME!!! It feels pretty good.
I have came to the same realisation as u that I am a co dependent and have my own addiction I need to fight. I have always put other before me especially the A. slowley I am focusing on my recovery and trying to keep out of other peoples business no matter how much i love them. I too look in the mirror and dont know the sad person peering back. But know I am focusing on loving myself and my own recovery things are improving daily. I stiil have slips into codependency its a daily battle as I have been this way for nearly 40 years but aleast I am aware now just need to accept the things I carnt change and change the things I can. Take care of you and your children that is who we are responsible for other adults are responsible for themselves we all have to learn from our own mistakes. Every day as I heal I can see improvement in my childrens happiness this is what keeps me going hope this helps.
I remember vividly when I realized that I was no longer bitching at my kids. When I was wrapped up in my ex and what he was doing or not doing, when my ex was yelling at me, I was yelling at the kids.
When I finally found some peace, I became the mother I always wanted to be. It was like a miracle.
This is the only shot at childhood my kids have and they have been greatly effected by the disease of alcoholism. The best gift I can give them is my attention and my sanity. I am a witness to their lives and I want to remember their smiles and their accomplishments rather than my ex A's relapses and abuse.
Thank you for posting this. We have a new baby, and already its hard sometimes to enjoy him because i am obsessing over my Ahusband. I can see myself falling into a pattern and i dont like it. I will look into that book too
