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Ok, so i have been doing my alanon program and really trying to let go let God. Things have been pretty good considering the Abf is in treatment and he has even said several time that he can see me changing and he is so proud of me and my program.
So today we have an arguement and i said " i am not going to argue this today, i am in a good mood, am having a great day and i am not going to let you ruin it" His response was "so much for working your program, guess thats all down the drain because you havent changed at all. Obviously alanon isnt helping you."
I was so mad i could spit! So of course the me without serenity came out to play and went right back to defending myself and saying since he expected perfection out of three weeks of alanon then when his treatment is up i expect perfection from him and wont settle for less. With that i hung up.
So here i sit wondering how do u handle it when people use alanon against you? I am trying to get back o my serenity but am still smoking out of my ears
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
My husband uses al-anon against me all the time. He is not in any program, but he is not drinking, he is a dry drunk. He tells me my al-anon friends on-line aren't real and can't help me, or where are your al-anon friends now (f2f) to help you. He doesn't understand that we are here to listen to each other and help each other through our crisis with our mutual support. We are not here to fix other people.
I mostly just detach with love (which is hard) and don't say anything to his assaults. I have offered for him to come with me to open al-anon meetings, or open AA meetings, but he has refused that. He has sat and watched an open al-anon meeting on-line and I think that gave him some idea of how it works. But an alcoholic is an alcoholic and they will push your buttons where they can, so for me it was my meetings and his not wanting me to go to them.
It became such an issue in my house, he refused to let me go to f2f meetings and I couldn't go to on-line meetings while he was home cause he was always looking over my shoulder, picking things apart. I went on-line while he was gone from the house and that gave me some outlet.
In the end, his controling became so bad, and he couldn't control me, that he just left. So now we are seperated and I am free to go to my al-anon meetings. I would just keep going and use the slogans Let Go and Let God, detach, Live and Let Live, and One day at a Time. It takes time to get this program down for both the alcoholic and the al-anon. We didn't get here in one day and they say from the time they started drinking is when their emotional develoopment stopped so if they started drinking in their teen years you can count up the years it will take for the process to take it's time.
Be good to yourself and don't be so hard on yourself. Keep it Simple and don't beat yourself up with your slips, we all have those.
You know a friend of mine said something that triggered me this week, he eluded that I am not taking care of my pets. Some people know how to push your buttons. Incidentlaly he's someone who's probably walked his dogs 3 times in 3 years!!!
Detaching is a real art. Have you looked it up how to do it. www.coping.org. Takes practice. When we fall off the waggon we get back on!
My only thought is that it gets easier, once you are able to see comments like this for what they are - a blatant attempt to "hook" you into old habits, arguments, etc.... After many of these same instances, I finally got to a point where I would not allow myself to be hooked, and actually found the attempts by my ex-AW to be a tad humorous, if not also a tad pathetic.
One day at a time.... you're getting better every day...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
" i am not going to argue this today, i am in a good mood, am having a great day and i am not going to let you ruin it" -inhisarms
The fact that you were able to say that and mean it, proves u are working your program. Who knows why ur abf threw it in your face or chose to create an argument or try to disrupt ur serentiy except that in the past it would usually work. Now, with al-anon, u have a choice to go right back to ur serenity & allow his ( or anyone's ) reaction, comment, perception, opinion or attitude to no longer have power over you.
Perhaps he is a lil threatened or just having a bad day - a few yrs ago, my aunt, mother and even some friends didn't understand about al-anon and sd similar hurtful things to me, like, I can't possible have relationships with any of my cyber friends online (in chat room) and that simply is not the truth. I actually do have some friendships with people here. It finally occurred to me, that my program really isn't any of their business and you don't understand a thing really, until you experience it. So I got some detachment about that by "consider the source". Anyway, it was helping me and that is all that mattered - I'm an adult, this is my life and I simply no longer am willing to take criticisms of al-anon seriously. I do see it as an attack and I don't have to bite! I can just think or even say, 'u can try to disrupst my serenity but it won't work' or I don't have to respond at all or I can just say "that's ridiculous" and laugh out oud heartily. They will soon see the old games don't work and perhaps give up especially if I am going to laugh in their face and release the negative remark they make. Besides, I find laughing to be a great way to relieve alot of tension for me.
You will find in ur program that there will be many opportunities to be tested by situations which will strengthen ur program if u keep working at it. Remember at any time of the day, u can turn it over & tap right back into that fabulous mood! Getting angry proves ur human, letting it go - is divine and your birthright!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
yeah, my ex did this too. I was too early in program and it really pissed me off. I would like to think that if anyone said that now I could say something like: "you may be right" and turn and walk away and not let it bother me. But its disrespectful to us when they do this- its the disease that is doing the disrespecting, not the people. Hugs, J.
Aloha Kim....I use to be bothered by "being had" by those useless accusations also and then what helped was realizing I was a newbie. I was given tools to use so I went and used them...meetings, sponsor, literature etc. I also learned that It wasn't fair going into a gun fight with a person who's gun wasn't even loaded and that is the alcoholic. They too don't know what their talking about as far as recovery goes...so why was I really reacting. "Don't react" is a major slogan for me today and still I get tripped up. Forgive yourself for reacting and getting defensive and resentful. If you're still "feeling had" and "easy" go throw a tantrum in the closet or garage and then let go of it. It's over, done, and you're left with a useful experience. Go lay down in your HP's palms and read a good book.
Ok well have been there done that too, husb used to attack * me not changing at all routine * and like u I always feel for it and the fight was on . A very wise lady told me to not bother trying to explain my program to anyone , not justify why I do what I do , quit trying to make them understand , she said Just Live It. wise lady My husb was jumpin gall over the place one day and of course slammin what he percieved as my program not working , which of course he knew nothing about anyway. So I listened for awhile and finally said ya know Al-Anon is the only reason u have a family , with out it i would have taken those kids and left along time ago . Suprisiingly he just said O -hasn't said a word about Al-Anon since.
The funny thing is that when you said .. " i am not going to argue this today, i am in a good mood, am having a great day and i am not going to let you ruin it" You WERE using Alanon with that statement. I'm a smart a$$ by nature. If he would have said that to me I would have repeated the exact words again .
Alanon threatens the A somehow and if they see it helping you, they don't like it. Misery loves company, so to them Happiness must mean "I don't need your company" so much anymore. That's my take on it anyway.
Take care...and keep repeating your initial sentence i am in a good mood, am having a great day!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can so relate! I think mine has always been threatened by my recovery...he does nto like that I am chainging and I refuse to let him push my buttons. When he says things abtou my program, I consider the sourse...a non recovering alcohlic who is still drinking. Usually his remarks against alanon are when he's drinking. I dont even defend myself eany more. That jsut makes for an argument. I may say..I know the truth and you can think what you like. That sets him in his place, shuts him up and lets him know I wont accept his lies abotu it.
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