"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

orange · Newbie

New member here-- with "functional AH"

deniseminh · Newbie

Orange, blankstare I'm pleased you found your way here. I don't participate much on this forum, and don't have any "advise" for you, but I'd be happy to share my experience.

I do not live with an active alcoholic (he is what would be called a sober alcoholic, quit drinking without using AA) - I grew up around alcoholics too. I came to realize that I had very poor coping skills, and that I dealt with stress in a very unhealthy way.

It was hard to go to my first face to face meeting (some people here call them f2f), but I am so glad I did.

I go to the face to face meetings NOT because of my husband, but because of ME. I desperately needed a new way to be in this world. The mechanisms that I had learned in the past no longer served me, and were in fact damaging to me and my current relationships.

I have found the fellowship of wonderful people there - some who share similar or very different stories, but all who give me their strength, hope and experience.

I am not "cured" by any means. But I do have a lot of new insights, tools, and the fellowship of people who care.

This forum has been a great tool for me too, but face to face meetings have been invaluable for me.

Thank you for sharing your story. and a big cyber hug from me
Denise

(apologies if the font size is HUGE . . .)

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Your last line kind of sums it all up, doesn't it?? If YOU don't even accept/admit that he has a problem, he isn't likely to anytime soon.... The only advice I would have for you is to stick around... read stuff.... keep an open mind..... read what you can (Getting Them Sober, volume one, by Toby Rice Drews) would be a great start.... Alcoholism is a progressive disease.... If he/you can handle it today, chances are it will escalate to a point where it truly DOES become unmanageable.... I'd encourage you also to take a step back, and re-read your post.... "functional" people don't drive drunk for three hours, and leave their loved ones wondering if they are alive or dead..... "functional people" also don't ignore and/or be beligerent to their children and/or spouses.

The choices are always going to be there for you - my experience is that you cannot comfortably "carry on partying" and also expect your hubby to not tag along for the ride.

I wish you luck, and hope you take the time to find out all you can about this disease.

Tom

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

He is not a typical alcholic ?? hm what is a typical alcoholic they come in all sizes shapes smart not so smart this damn disease dosent care who it gets . My husb was a funtional alcoholic he owned his own business we lived well , but he with drew from the family , ignored his sons and me to eventually end up a cronic alcoholic with this disease running his life . Listen to what your saying , he threw up and slept in his own vomit , he drove for 3 hrs and didn't know how he got there, dosen't remember what he did the night before? that is not normal behavior . It really dosent matter wether he is alcoholic or not what matters is how the drinking affects theh family you and your child . Please try our program go to real meetings f2f , we are enablers as long as we keep doing for them what they should be doing for themslves nothing will change except it will get worse . this is a progressive disease. We lie for them , we make excuses for thier crappy behavior , sometimes we become abusers ourselves , until we stop doing those things thier will be no reason to change . It only takes one person to change things in your home absolutley nothing will change until someone changes . Louise

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Orange,

Thank you for sharing so honestly. You are in the right place.

This Board and Al-Anon meetings have been set up to help those of us who have been affected by someone else's drinking.

I hear in your post that you are unhappy by your reaction to his drinking. I think that is admirable.
You are not alone in your frustrations and reaction to someone under the influence.
You will hear many stories such as your in alanon meetings and if you decide to stay with the program and get a sponser, you will feel comfortable releasing all your secrets, as she will reveal hers.

I have done what you have done and even lost it so badly once, I was choking him. Good thing he weighed 200 LBS and I weigh 100. Never the less I truly lost it and that was when I decided I needed help.

Read this board, keep posting and hopefully some day you will be willing to give meetings a try.

You are worth it.

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Orange....the fact that you have posted says it all, your warning flags are flying and I think what CG says about re-reading your post will bring clarity to your situation.

Alcoholism is progressive disease...it's cunning, baffling and powerful.

I came across this recently http://www.lakesidemilam.com/DiseaseOfAddictionExpandedOverview.htm then bought the book...it taught me a lot about why I can have a couple of glasses of Chardonnay and not crave more....but an A can't.

Well done for sharing...thank you.

In friendship...Ness

Diane B · Member

you were brave to type this up.....now be brave and admit to step one in Alanon or AA --- admitted we were powerless over alcohol.

You have a young child. You must seek help while you are young or this insidious disease will continue to carve away at your very way of life and become much larger than it is in your youth you still have.

Please don't ignore your instincts. You found this site for a reason. The face to face meetings need to come next. If he won't go, then you go. Just you going will help him if you work the program. 'It works if you work it' is the Alanon motto. It doesn't if you don't ... and time will march on. prayers and love

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Orange!!

You've already got a ton of feedback from others in this family. If you keep and open
mind and take what you like, leaving the rest for later you will be working with more
information than most friends, families, spouses of and associates of alcoholics while
not being in the program. I would like to repeat what has been said by several...
"There is no such thing as a typical or functional alcoholic". If you want information
about the differences attend AA meetings and then look for the similarities. All of
them will admit in one form or the other that their drinking was about not being able
to stop regardless of when they started.

Knowing about this disease is very important because of the misconceptions about
who is or is not alcoholic. There is no mold...there are differences for sure in the people but it is the similarities that confirm the disease. Alcoholics like to drink and
crave it...are you qualified? Some alcoholics can even have a couple and then stop on
occasions and some just cannot stop at all. Craving and looking forward to drinking
events was one of the qualifiers for treatment when I was counseling as was not
being able to stop after starting without craving or planning the next event. Today
I laugh when I hear the word "partying" as from my drinking experience. I hardly
craved, was a planner and looked forward to the event days ahead of time, and
drank until everyone fell down but stayed standing until the color of my skin was
yellow. It was hardly ever a party for me. It was mostly sad.

My family said/says I am not alcoholic but the questionaire about if I am or
not says I am. I would also suggest the questionaire as part of the literature that
is available to you. You can find it on line and can take it on line. The information
leads us to the doors of recovery. I'd be interested in what you find out and
regardless all of us here will be here to support you with your solutions and our
ESH.

Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))

-- Edited by Jerry F at 22:36, 2009-03-04

orange · Newbie

Thank you everyone for your kind words and tough love. I will check out the online survey and link, and I'm working up the nerve to attend a real meeting.....

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

Orange ((((HUGS)))))

I had a hard time myself when it came to making it to the first meeting... i was lucky enough to have my Sister-In-Law with me for support, she knew my story, and I knew she would be there for me in a pinch if i needed her, and I have...I was told that when you attend F2F meetings, give it a (6) Try run... After 6 meetings you will then be able to deside hole heartedly, yeah or neigh.... Well I thought up untill my 6 meeting that maybe I was in the wrong place... During that 6th meetings, During the shares, my HP slapped me in to life, and made be realize that I was right were I needed to be... To find my Serenity, and get my life back... I too have a drink from time to time, and the urge usually hits me more so when I feel my life is out of control... I have learned how to control it, to the point were I can go months and then one day... I will just like a glass of wine... Do I think I am a bad person for it... NOPE... I know what I did before and this is 110% better then the person I was then...I use to drink 7 days a week, as many hours as I could and still hold jobs...

Now... I'm helping my husband run his business, I have a healthy beautiful son that needs his mother not a drunk... And I am finally regaining my life...

You have came to the right place for support... As for the F2F meetings, if you don't feel comfortable going to one in your town, maybe hit the next town away... They are truly a blessing if you go there with an open mind, and "HEAR" what they are sharing... You'll Find your way :) After all... You found MIP... SO you are looking to make the right choices for yourself... Keep your focus on you for that is the only person you can controll... He must live with his choices as well...

Friends in Recovery...
Jozie

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

It is not your fault or responsibility if ur AH drinks or not. Whether or not he is an A, isn't th point. Al-Anon is for those of us who have been hurt by another's drinking/drug use. You can't be a "good example" and expect him not to drink.

I would suggest a meeting & take any & all pamphlets u can, they are so informative. Learning about how we get manipulated by our A's can give you some power back, if u change things. Focus on you & what you can do for yourself each day & in the moment.

Also we have achat room 24/7 & daily meetings twice a day, everyday at 9am& 9pm EST. They make it easier to share anonymously if ur a lil intimated about getting to a meeting right away & then you'll have some idea of what to expect at face to face mtgs.

Welcome to MIP.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like my not typical alcoholic/drug addict started out that way anyway a bender every 6-8 months where he disappears and spends all our money. The rest of the time a fairly ok hardworking guy... Today he's being released from prison, the latest time. His criminal record is as long as my arm, it's hard to look at him with any respect. My point, this is progressive and it only goes downhill without help. I think you're in the right place, you'll find it gives you comfort and a good place to vent. I too notice how when you write it all down it makes it real and more "serious". It's easy to justify it all and just put it out of your mind until it becomes too much to bear.

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

Yet another angle on this - aww

I started going to Alanon when my husband got serious about going to AA & said to me a couple of times, "YOU might like to try AL-anon....."

I still hesitated. I thought that somehow, my going would label him as an alcoholic and be disloyal. I really wasn't ready to call him an alcoholic - yet he had just lost a job and got a dui. Hm.... who was the one in denial here?

Today, nearly 5 years later, I think that this was just part of my "stinkin' thinkin'" and, yes, denial - a part, in short, of my own disease, even though I had no trouble having a drink or two and then stopping. No, my disease is the EFFECTS of living with alcoholism, and some of those effects have been passed down through generations that didn't drink.

It wasn't disloyal - on the contrary, helping myself to get healthier was the best possible thing I could do not only for me, but also for our relationship.

It didn't "label" him an alcoholic. This was just not good thinking. He either was or wasn't an alcoholic whether I called him "beginning to have a problem with alcohol", "alcoholic", "social drinker", "teetotaller", or "park bench". I had and have no control over what he is or isn't, or over how he behaves. I DO have control over how *I* behave, and that's what Alanon is for.

Welcome - I hope you keep coming back.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I meet alcoholics all the time, many of them are functional, fun, loving, kind, responsible and more. The disease can take them to strange places. If they are functional they may not remain that way. I can understand the pain, the shame and the denial. I had that. 4 years on I don't. This is a great place to start. If you have the time (and for me its a commitment) read all you can and get to know people and their stories. You can literally see people change before your eyes here.

maresie.

curlee-girl · Member

Your story is a lot like my own. I admire that you have the courage to come here and ask questions. Takes guts! Like others have said it is a progressive disease, which means the A will not get progressively better but get progressively sicker (just like untreated diabetes). In my ESH, it is better to start taking yourself now. Hindsight being 20/20 it would have been great to have had some tools to use when my exabf hit bottom.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"