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My AH finally returned from abroad on monday and got in touch this morning. I have said i dont want to see him because i have to protect myself and am frightened i would beg him to come back. He says its a mixture of chemistry and his mind that has caused this final split, he has left me many times before. This time its for real and i havent asked him to come home. Hes going away abroad again on 16th March and says he doesnt want anything except his very personal belongings. I had got some clothes and his car to him via his sister and he tells me that he has given his clothes to charity! He is keeping his motorbike and gear and that seems to be all he wants. Not even his tools interest him, hes a builder who has finally built up a reputation, hes throwing all that away to be on a tiny island where he always said he wouldnt live because everyone drinks. He didnt even ask how our dog Harvey was, until I said that he was fine, he then said he hadnt wanted to ask in case i was cross! His sister says he is just running away and his reasons for leaving me arent clear, but seem to relate to me not to his drinking...he seems to be thinking quite clearly, doesnt want to remain in our town etc. He tells me that other than his children (who he also wont see for months and months) I am the only important person that matters to him in the world, so why is he doing this? Having spoken to him it just breaks my heart, ive cried all day and feel that all the headway i made during his absence, getting strength up, has vanished in the course of a couple of phone calls. He is literally offloading everything including me. SOme words to help would be much appreciated. I dont even feel that this is all related to alcohol anymore, he seems so together!!
Hi Lily, i am so sorry you are feeling let down. I am pretty new to this program but have had friends in AA for years and i know they always say never make any drastic changes or decisions for the first year. Obviously if that is true your AH is not following his program and will someday wake up and look back on his selfish decisions. By that time you will have a whole new life, be happy and have serenity because you are working your program :) I know it is rough right now, but you have a bright future to look forward too.
Sending lots of hugs
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
((((Lily)))))) My heart goes out to you and I can feel your hurt. I hate that you are having to go through such a tough time right now. And I know first hand how communicating with them can reopen old wounds......it's like riping the bandaid off something after it is starting to heal........over and over. The only ESH I can offer is that when I get to feeling like you are now.......I isolate-that is what NOT to do!! Get to a meeting, call a friend or come here and post but don't cut yourself off and don't get caught up in the obsessing that comes from all the What if's. I found that my EXABF was doing whatever he wanted and I needed to do the same.........worry about me and take care of me... Try to remmber as hard as I know it is right now to do so, that you are right where your HP needs you to be, in the middle of a learning experience and when you are ready to move on, your HP will let you know....
Take care of u Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Hi, thank you for your kind words. My AH is not currently with AA, he was for a number of months but by June had managed to find excuses for why it wasnt working for him, then he left me in July last year, then came back...next was the downward spiral which has culminated in this last separation and as I said even getting rid of all his clothes, such personal items, he might not want them in the hot country hes going to, but he had clothes he loved and has given them all away immediately. I do hope your right that he will look back with regret, at the moment, hes being Mr "i care about you" even though he never got in touch from the day he rang to tell me he didnt love me as a husband should love a wife, until today, 5 weeks! I do know that is he is running away from all responsibility, there is already another ex wife, an ex partner and 3 children, now its me and our dog!! easy by comparison i would think..Thanks again.
I have been away from my A since November, andn we still run into each other, had loose ends to tie up etc. We are now down to no reason to see each other except its a small town. He occasionally texts, but its all about him, or inviting me to his pity party. I am ok when I hear nothing, but when we do communicate, it takes me a while to "detach" again. I don't think all the headway is gone, it just takes a bit to get back there. Keep your program, go to a meeting, remember we are all with you!
Love Julie
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Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.
