The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past week, something has been terribly "off." While I've been muddling through all the losses in the past year, the divorce, the house not selling, and not being able to get a full-time job, I have recently learned that our assets (including the retirement account) are all bottoming out. Fear of economic insecurity has not left me!!! Yesterday was the worst, I didn't get out of my pajamas until I decided to crawl to an evening f2f meeting. I'm glad I admitted I was depressed there, and I even felt like I was accepting it (this is all something I did differently. I usually kick and scream, "what is wrong with me???") It felt pretty good, I wasn't even crying. I also sat there with an inner knowing that things of the world are NEVER going to satisfy me, never going to fully make me feel secure. I was grateful for the lift the meeting gave me.
This morning, I STILL didn't want to get out of bed again. If it weren't for the dogs who need to be fed, I probably wouldn't have. (little angels) I have continued with my usual morning routine lately, so I sat to meditate. I decided to pray out loud. (Funny how I don't often do this with my HP.) What became so immediately clear, is that I am NOT very balanced. To be truly healthy, Mind-Body-and Spirit all need attention, I know this. Well, lately I have really neglected my body. I usually eat healthy, but since the holidays, I've given in to way too much sugar and even started drinking some coffee again. (Not good for me. My heart races, making me feel "energetic," I think that's why I did it.) I also haven't exercised in a long, long time. I blame winter, I hate the cold. Someone recently suggested that I get a massage but I kept telling myself, "I'm so out of shape, I'm too embarrassed to do that." So, this area definitely needs some focus, my body needs attention too.
So, today I will bundle up and take a walk before I go to work. And, I'm going to drive right past Starbucks. I will, I'll drive right past.
Fear is everywhere, the curse of the world. Fear of poverty, fear of unemployment, fear of lonliness, fear of sickness.... these can consume me. I figure I can't possibly begin to fight fear if I'm not balanced. So, that is what I am going to focus on. First things first.
Thanks for listening.
-- Edited by glad lee at 11:42, 2009-03-04
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
(((((Glad Lee)))))) Good for you getting up and getting out to the F2F meeting....that was a HUGE thing for you to do, but you knew it would help and you did it. You are putting the focus back on you and seeing the areas in your life you need to focus on and that is GREAT!!! It's not always easy to look at ourselves honestly and say "hey I need to do this or that". Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things........but one thing I am trying to remember myself right now, due to finances being overly tight, is that "worry never robs tomorrow of it's sorrow.........it just saps today of it's strength" Do something nice for yourself......even a bubble bath and some candles........just take care of u!!:)
trying to Keep it simple shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I had to call into work sick again today because I need to curl up into a ball in my bed.
I have to say that these are very dark days and a very dark time. I think that this period will be looked back upon as a dark age and an extremely uncivilized and uniquely brutal one. Its extremely difficult to navigate this if you have any kinds of sensitivities or sweetness whatsoever. its totally nuts and I want you to know that you are not nuts for finding it difficult to cope. People are horrible to each other here every day- but we need to CHOOSE to find the good and turn towards the light and reach for and aim for a higher ground. We DO have a program and thank god we do!
I just got back from my shrink and am about to go onto meds. I cannot function and deal with the massive transitions I am going thru- divorce (an extremely ugly and expensive one, I might add), PTSD (DV), relocation for a job (no friends or family in sight exc. al anon thank god for that), relocation to a completely different climate and culture (from a very gentle one to a very harsh one in EVERY sense of how that could be interpreted), dealing with the job I ended up with (vs the one I thought I was getting), being female and aging, you name it. LOTS to be depressed about...and yes, the news just gets worse and worse. When I go out and about doing errands, etc. and look at peoples faces they are so full of fear and hate and stress...its so sad and sometimes a little creepy.
But you are working it and keep on working it. I am too, little by little, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, etc. Hang in there, I am trying to hang in there too. Hugs and love and you are not alone- Jean
That's right, I'm wearing my brand new (al-anon) shoes... bye bye blues!!! LOL
I'm leaving for work soon. I didn't exactly get to the park today, but I went out in the yard, to throw the ball for the dogs. I'm gonna look at it as PROGRESS since yesterday (and the day before....) I didn't move.
I love this family! Jean, I feel like jumping in my car to give you some hugs. I'll even take you to Starbucks if you like. I trust you'll still love me if I order a tall Caramel Macchiato. (Of course... we'll have to walk it off afterwards.)
Problems, what problems?! Thanks for the support.
-- Edited by glad lee at 14:04, 2009-03-05
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hi, just to let you know that I think its one step at a time, ive cried all day, am letting my dog sleep with me tonight, a treat for me, not him, Im just allowing myself to grieve, its normal and better than taking diazapam to numb the experience, which I have done to some degree. I know exactly how you feel and whilst working from home, I havent done a thing today, couldnt see for the tears...my dog keeps me going too, someone I have to care for but admit I didnt take him for a walk today and hes all sad, he knows something is wrong. I too, am dreadfully worried about money, all my well placed anger has turned back into plain hurt today...just because I finally spoke to my AH after 5 weeks, and no, he doesnt want to come back to our marriage...hes leaving for sunny climes, leaving me, the dog, his children from previous partners/wives that he also left and he has even given his clothes to charity! His favourite jackets, everything...I too fear not only lack of money, my income isnt even enough to pay the bills at the mo, but also loneliness although I wouldnt let my friend come round tonight because im just too depressed! Im going to bed shortly and hate the waking up when for an instant your mind is clear, then it all comes flooding back...its hard to get out there, but we have no choice, we have to move forward somehow...and eating, i have had pitta bread with houmus and tin of potatoes today, revolting, I havent seen a veg for a month of sundays and Ive lost a stone in 5 weeks, who says there isnt a silver lining!! But, like you we must look after ourselves, its hard when you really dont care, but I believe everyone here when they say, it WILL get better, I try to imagine if I could just switch off my emotions towards my ex AH who has largely brought nothing but chaos and fear of abandonment during our 6 years of marriage...I hope I can switch off or at least dim the lights very soon... Best wishes
glad, sounds good! i will have tea...I am feeling a little better too and tomorrow I think I will be OK enough to get out but BOY it can be sooo debilitating sometimes...but one pity party once a year is not gonna kill me, I don't think...one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. I am hurting no one, its just me. Hugs, J.
I have suffered greatly with depression, I can really relate. Thank god for pets, my cats have helped me so much in the last recent years. So much unconditional love from them. I spent nearly a year in bed, crying & being suicidal but I got through it & am still here.
In the last ten years, I gained 70 pounds. I used to be obsessed w/ my weight & working out. I haven't done a thing in four years and am now trying to get back to it. I know that when I do it. I feel better, same w/ eating well & listening to my body. It is very hard to get started.
When I was depressed, I didn't want to do anything that made me feel better, in fact it seemed that I was doing things, self destructive things that allowed me to continue to feel worse.
My life changed when I got focused on loving myself, which I had never done b4. Once I felt comfortable with that, I realized that what ever it is that I focus on grows/manifests so I decided to start focusing on gratitude and then I experienced true joy for the first time in many many years.
Also, as far as the massage idea goes ~ they help so much. I have gotten them very depressed & it made me feel "good" again. It seems that when we gt still on the table, it puts us in touch with the deepest part of ourselves that knows what balance & health is. They are phenomenally healing.
I have done massage part time for over 15 yrs. I can assure you, no massage therapist is looking at your body in a judgemental way, only to know how to best help you feel better ~ really they don't care. In fact if u called & said, "I'm very self conscious" they will probably tell you the same thing & offer ways to make you feel more comfortable. If you can afford to go, reconsider it, they are awesome!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Well, I took my walk today, about a mile and a half. My leg muscles were like, "whoa, wait, what??"
I bundled up, it was cold. The acres of trees around me were loud in the blowing wind, but it sounded a little like "the wave" in a stadium. LOL I decided the universe was cheering for me! So, I think I'll do it again tomorrow.
I am so grateful for the support here. I love you all.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
