The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I told him when he went into rehab last time (after a major binge) that this was it, if he drank again I was done and he'd have to move out. But he was really working the program and working on his issues until about two days ago. I saw the red flags before he did. New he was going to drink but couldn't do anything about it, of course.
Thing is, I believe this might be a slip and not a full relapse, but I don't know if I'd be doing more harm than good by not sticking to my earlier statement, that I was done if he drinks again.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). I am so sorry that your husband relapsed. Unfortunately it is not ususual for them to relapse during thier first year of recovery. It always broke my heart when hubby relapsed. Whether or not this is a full blown relapse only time will tell.
You said that he has been to rehab before. I sure hope that mean that you've been to some Alanon meetings. Remember your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong.
Working your program is the best thing you can do for both of you. You have to turn his recovery over to his HP and concentrate on yours. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active one are very different. When hubby got sober I needed my program more than ever. Alanon will give you the tools you need in order to make any decisions you feel you have to. Please keep coming back to us. I wish both the best on your journies. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My own personal experience in setting boundaries, and then not sticking with them proved to be more painful than not when dealing with my oldest AD.
The last time I extended a helping hand and allowed her to stay with me temporarily, she stepped across every boundary I had put in place, and she was out the door in 30 days.
I have never regretted making the decision to finally stick to my guns and follow through. I did regret all the times I didn't follow through prior to that!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
As hard as it is to stick to your boundaries, if you aren't going to do that, then you may as well not make them. An alcoholic will attempt to get away with anything he/she can. It is up to you to say. "Here's the line", and mean it. If you make a boundary and ultimately cannot keep it, don't make it again. Doing so only reinforces his idea that you are a patsy; easily manipulated.
Good luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I too believe in firm boundaries BUT...a slip is different then returning to active drinking (in my opinion). I compare it to when I quit smoking. I hadn't smoked in 3 mo. I was out with friends and "slipped" one night. I smoked all night!! The next day I knew I didn't want to smoke any more and realized it. It was a stupid thing to do. If your A drinks after the one slip, it's not a slip. A relapse and a slip are two different things.
You don't have to take action TODAY. If it were me, I'd wait and see what the rest of the week brought, without comment. He will make the decision for you and allow you to see what to do. As always, it's easier to tell what's going on by watching their actions rather then listening to their words.
Keep coming back, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I was reminded recently that the 3 C's apply to everything around me--not just the A's drinking. My AH is almost 4 years sober, but he is still an A and always will be. I forget that sometimes. I expect him to be "normal" and while he has done an incredible job working on his isms, he is still an A.
I learned this weekend that redefining my boundaries with my AH is not necessarily the same thing as caving in and giving the A a free pass for unacceptable behavior.
My SoberAH did not follow-through with a boundary that I had set relating to my continuing in our marriage. I spent the weekend praying, reading CAL, journaling, talking to my sponsor and other seasoned Al-Anons. I knew that I couldn't force him to do what I wanted him to do (and that if I did, it would not give me the desired results). But, what I learned was that I could re-define the boundaries if I did it for the right reasons--if it was because it was right for me--that I still have choices. I still forget that sometimes. UGH!!
So, I looked at what I need to be okay in this marriage, just for today. It was not about forcing a solution or manipulating him to do what I wanted. It was about me.
I am really proud of myself for how I used the tools of the program to work through this problem. I didn't chase him; didn't scream and cry; didn't threaten; didn't make ultimatums. I left him to his HP and took care of me.
And, my HP did take care of me. The weekend was a wonderful growth experience for me and for my AH. He is finally taking some steps, by his own choice, to deal with issues that are part of the normal progression of recovery, but sometimes require more than just the Program. Ironically, he is taking steps that I had identified as one of my new boundaries, and I didn't even have to tell him. God is good!!
So, just for today, I am happy in my marriage. That may change, but if it does, it will be because it no longer gives me what I need to to be "happy, joyous and free."
Hang in there and remember to keep the focus on YOU and not your AH. Give him over to his HP and take care of you.
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thank you all for your experience and encouragement. AH and I talked this morning and decided we'd both been working anon-lite. (I'm also working another program.) That's not going to work for either of us. Right now, we're blessed to be in a situation where we have a LOT of free time. Instead of sitting around watching TV, we're going to start working our programs heavily, "separately but together" by finding more meetings, reading together and doing a daily devotional together. I believe this was a slip and I've redefined my boundaries accordingly.
Thank you again for your experience, strength and hope.
Hello Donna and welcome , I was told along time ago that a slip can be a good thing - just re enforces the idea that they cannot do this alone and learn that going to meetings and reaching out works . Its his slip leave it with him sobriety is not easy for anyone including you I hope u are attending meetings for yourself u need support from people who uderstand where your at and who will share thier own experiences with you , this board and chat room are great but nothing compared to what u will find in f2f meetings . I was told that an alcoholic cannot go home to an old idea and stay sober , i was also told that I was the old idea . I had to change too if I wanted to support him . I was not impressed trust me but I got the message . hehe hang in there this is his trip leave it with him . Louise
'An A connot go home to an old idea and stay sober. ' That is riveting information. Thank you for sharing.
I am not the same 'old idea 'and determined to stay that way -for me-, but to actually hear it stated the way you just did I believe is invaluable information for me right now. THANK YOU SO MUCH. Even people who don't know my family situation right now are finding me new and alive....what a nice thing to hear from people! Especially during trying times.
I love serenity.....can I share one comment of my own? For me anyway, the new me HAD to add physical exercise. It is so theraputic and so good for you anyway - not to mention your outward appearance improves even if your inward appearance is about the wig-out! Everyone during hard times needs something as wonderful as this. I started out walking - pretty fast but not hard enough to hurt myself thus making me stop. I've now ended up jogging - sort of a marathon pace - after 5 months of an hour a night. I used to only make it about 8 driveways running before I had to stop and walk again for awhile. NOW! look at me go. I'm so proud of myself and it is giving hubby a very new idea to get used to...just what he needs while it is so definately just what I needed for me. One day at a time in Alanon- what my HP needed for me to join. They are a powerful team...love and serenity
). I am so sorry that your husband relapsed. Unfortunately it is not ususual for them to relapse during thier first year of recovery. It always broke my heart when hubby relapsed. Whether or not this is a full blown relapse only time will tell. 
