The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AS came in our house last night after getting a very costly ticket (won't work & does not have car insurance), and came apart on me, my husband & his 15 year old brother; screaming obscenities when his little brother came to answer the door he told him to get out of his f**king face, pushed by him and came to us screaming that the ticket was all our fault because we gave him this f**king piece of sh*t to drive.
Went on a rant and before I could even grasp what was going on he ran out the door jumped into his truck and left a black streak all the way down the drive.
Today I come home from work and he is sitting in my drive like nothing ever happened (I wish I could say this was the first time) but after ten years of drama, I told him he could not come in the house, and that I was not going to live the next ten years like I have lived the last, I turned went into the house and closed the door and locked it.
I want peace, but at what price? And I am afraid for him, if I don't let him come here and eat, get clean clothes................my imagination is running on overdrive.
I have been there...not know what to do...where to turn...or how to even manage my own life let alone being the blame for all their mistakes and mishaps. Thank God I have Alanon which gives me the tools to live better and healthier...and AA which my Husband now attends and is working on recovery. If we had not found the programs...our life would still be unmanageable...so for me Alanon is a lifesaver...a place to vent and learn from other ppl. I do know you have to do what is best for You and not Him. So look at yourself...and if you are new to the program give it 6 months before making any drastic changes in your life unless they are life-threatening and you need to change. Keep coming and working the program cause you are worth it and it works if you apply the program to your life...it has helped in my own.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, Brightmommy
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"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
Please if your not already attending al anon meetings start ! Wont work , where does he get the money for gas , and why would u buy him a vehicle when he obviously treats u with less than respect. I know the answers to this question because u love him = and maybe if we do that he will smarten up and fly right ,that is our insanity surounding this damn disease we keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping this time * he will change * not gonna happen. I also understand your fear in ordering son out of the house , but until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will ever change , why should it ? Allow him the dignity to grow up , step aside so God can get at him . good luck detach with love and get your life back . He has a highter power too and He will take him where he needs to go . Louise
Dreamsover...good work. After you got in the house and a bit of time passed the fear set in...normal. He got angry and rageful and got into the faces of his family blaming because he got the ticket and didn't know how else to accept the responsibility. Good work giving him notice and going for your serenity...that's one of the consequences of change and it doesn't work over night. Now you have to work the boundary and practice the same behavior again rather than back up on yourself for fear that he just might...whatever!! I hope you don't end up trying to work it alone while the rest of the family caves in. Intimidation, manipulation and fear (plus) are all characteristics of the disease. If you keep that in mind and don't let go of what you need to gain and maintain your serenity and "love him anyway" you'll be find and he will benefit from the no enabling, tough love attitude he needs to be gifted with over and over and over.
Okay this is one thing that helped me overcome falling in for the fear all the time and once I learned it I felt freedom from.... (F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal. The evidence that is saying you should be afraid is not real. It is contrived and unrealistic. We should not be afraid of things that are not real.
You did what you had to do. When I asked AH to leave it hurt. I felt like I was desserting him. I just couldn't live in the chaos any more. It didn't mean that I didn't love him. I loved him with all my heart. At that time he was doing stupid things that could have endangered other people. I couldn't take that chance. Thank goodness I had my Alanon family. It was because of this program that I was able to get through it. I had to turn him over to his HP. It was up to him. If I allowed him to continue to do the same things, who knew what would have happened?
It doesn't matter if you give him clean clothes. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. He will continue to do what he wants to do. That's his disease. You don't have to die for it nor does the rest of the family. Stay strong, work your prorgam and let HP do the rest. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
(((Dreams)))) Sounds to me like you did all the right things. You set some boundaries which is good and you are taking care of you and your other child also-which is good. When it is a child that is going through such a hard time, I can't imagine any parent dealing with that, but you have to stay strong. From what I understand.....we have to allow our loved ones to hit bottom and the dignity of working their way out of it.....
please keep coming back it works if you work it Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Well done dreamsover. Make those boundaries stick. It's tough love and as a parent you are fighting against all those instincts to 'sort it all out' As long as we do for them what they can do for themselves we stay in the insanity.
I know now that I enabled for far too long, I knew no other way. In Alanon I am stocking my toolbox little by little, day at a time.
Well you have that here. The ex A I was with totalled two new cars (one had just been paid for), destroyed others. He chose to drive recklessly for years. I was on the floor most of the time totally destroyed by i t. I spent hours and hours and years obessing and totally devastated. So yes I do understand.
The tools of the program can help. Learning to use them when you are absolutely devastated is a strain.
