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I am new to posting, but have been reading the forum for some time. My husband and I have been married for nearly 24 years. I have just recently asked him for a divorce and feel terribly guilty over the entire situation. I have concluded I no longer love him and do not see the point in continuing the marriage. The main reason I feel guilty is because he has begun AA meetings and has vowed to stop drinking.
He has been drinking nearly his entire adult life. We separated primarily because of the drinking about 15 years ago. After a six month separation, counseling and financial difficulty with paying a home and apartment we reunited.
He promised to stop and did in fact for 2-3 years. He began to drink again first slowly, one beer here and there and increased each weekend. I can't stand to see him drunk because he makes no sense when he speaks, slurs, and is argumentative, especially with our kids. Always an embarrassment, even with our close friends and family who know him. We have two daughters. A grown 21 year old, and a 10 year old. As soon as he began to drink for the second time, I warned him we would once again have marital problems. He said he was fine, and needed some sort of outlet after working hard all week. His drinking naturally increased each weekend to include many beers as well as scotch or any other hard liquor. He is a functional alcoholic, in that he has never missed a day out of work because of drinking, and did not drink during the workweek.
His increased drinking resulted in weekly arguments, as well as negative impact on our daughters. Particularly the older one. (she has moved out since August) The younger one, knows each time he drinks and often asks if dad is drunk again. He is very good to her, and does not abuse her or any of us for that matter. Not in a physical sense in any case. I have questioned myself several times why I stay married and knew I had more anger than love for him. But, I reasoned I was being selfish and should think about our youngest daughter not having to go through a divorce and losing her home and security. He became ill in the fall (unrelated we think), and eventually had to be hospitalized for over two weeks for neurological testing. The day before his scheduled hospitalization, he drank so much that he was hallucinating. Could barely walk upstairs to bed. During his hospital stay, my daughter and i felt so free, even as we felt badly about him being ill. I realized at this time, that continuing this marriage for the excuse of it being best for the kids was ridiculous. At this time, I also realized whatever love was there has simply been chipped away over all these years.
Anyone looking in would think I'm insane to give up a 24 year marriage, a beautiful home and security. He is hard working, faithful, and loves his family. To uproot my daughter who loves her home, friends, school and her dad, seems terribly selfish. Especially that he is now going to AA meetings and is still ill. (no cause as yet)
Yet I feel it is pointless to continue a marriage with the way I feel. Even if I found a bit of love to hold on to, I truly don't think he would stop drinking. How much of my life am I willing to let slip away, before I find myself in this situation a few years down the road.
Apologies for this being so long winded, just need to vent. Seems that I found the courage to do what should have been done many years ago, and now I feel the courage is wearing thin once again.
Welcome, first of all probably no one here will think your insane. Most of us have lived through similar situations.
It is not easy being married to an alcoholic, even a sober one. No one can tell you when you have had enough, only you know the answer to that one.
Alanon teaches us how to deal with ourselves, and meet our own needs, it shows us strength we didn't know we had.
They say you should give your self six months in a program before making any drastic decisions, but you have to decide what works for you.
It might be helpful to find a face to face meeting localy, and read some literature. There are also online meetings here, and you can read of the situations, experiences, joy and pain of others here on the message board. You can come here even if just to vent.
You where not responsible for your husbands drinking, nor his sobriety. He has to deal with them.
You have to do what is right for you, and what makes you happy. Keep coming back.
I think you need to really pray about it and remember that you have choices and that the choices you make impact your daughter as well. Take one day at a time and I would suggest before you say you want a divorce that you attend some f2f meetings. We become angry, resentful, and very very tired when we are affected by the disease of alcoholism. There are even meetings for your daughter. I have a ten year old who attends pre-teen Ala-teen. Go to six meetings and see how you feel then. There is no big hurry. Take it easy, journal about what your feeling and keep praying. The answers will come and they will be the right ones for you. Anything you need let me know. I am here to listen. jgirl
My heart goes out to you. ((((((supportive hugs))))) You did not mention if you ever have gone to alanon meetings here or in your community. The alanon program does help us work on us. If we don't change there is a strong possibility that we may meet, date, or marry the same kind of personality even though we think we aren't. We learn how to gain our own serenity while living with the alcoholic too. We do become part of the disease even though you felt you had a break and life seemed better for awhile. Working the program can show you what part you have had in the disease and how to change you. Even if you divorce you and your daughter's will still have to deal with the alcoholic. One of your daughter's could develop the disease too like my daughter did. Of course just venting here is a great way to heal and grow too. So do try to keep on posting and never worry your posts are too long. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
I can't get over how much of your post feels like I'm writing it, except for the leaving part (I haven't found the courage). I know the freedom you talk about when the A is away (whether working, in the hospital, or wherever), it is like the air in the home is finally breathable again!
Something that I have been tossing about in my mind a lot is that if I ever were "free", I would be hard pressed to ever enter into any relationship with anyone who even drank casually as the hurt of alcohol is so deeply embedded in me now, so hopefully this program will help me with that. I guess what I'm trying to say is do what you have to do..but keep coming back here! The problem likely won't end when the marriage does, especially with the tie of your children between you and your hubby.
Thank you all for the warm welcome and for your kind words. After reading my own post I can see that even here I am making excuses for him. Yes he is all those good things, but am afraid all the bad things have outweighed the good. I have just become accustomed to covering up for him. Guess it helps to make sense of the marriage all these years. Think I have made my decision quite some time ago. It was the courage which was lacking. The guilt comes from leaving him at such a critical time, though I suppose if he is truly committed to stopping he will regardless. And yes, my girls is what I have been most worried about and the only reason I have stayed as long as I have. But, I have realized that staying was not to my oldest daughters benefit. And likely will not be for the youngest. And am also concerned about the oldest as far as drinking because she is at that age. But so far all seems well besides the hostility she holds for her dad. He has said some very negative things to her, such as accusing her of being the cause of all our "problems", when in fact his drinking has been the cause. She and I are working on these issues. And yes, I do have God with me always. A journal is something I did not think of and is a great idea. Once again thank you all for your kindness, and certainly I will continue to read the forum and post. Especially when I feel overwhelmed as I did today. Reading your replys was very hertwarming. Katie
When I came here to this board I felt so helpless and like my marrage was over. I felt no love for my husband, just resentment, anger, hurt, lonelyness and gosh many many things but not love. Yes I believe alot of my feeling was due to years of this disease chipping away ME. I had no clue what so ever at that time but it took time for me to realize that I infact was much sicker than my husband. I believe it or not feel love again!!! Thanks so much to this board and my f2f meetings, the f2f meetings were so changing and when I found my way to them an incredible weight was lifted! Since that first meeting I have grown so much and in that time I have learned to love myself again and that was when I began to feel love for my husband again. I devoted myself to my recovery and working the steps and it is working for me, I take time for me and concentrate on me this program has changed my life for the better in every way, my kids, family and even with friends and even my husband. He has changed because of my changes.
My husband is active and has never seeked sobriety so I do not know the disapointment and hurt you have endured but what I do know is that 6 months may change you. I have no idea if my marrage will work out and I am unsure of our future together but I concentrate on today as it is what I do know for now.
