The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a question. I live with an A and he drinks all the time. He says hurtful things and blames me for everything wrong and I'm the reason he drinks. The question is/ Why do I blame myself for his drinking?
Hello Annie, Welcome to this wonderful site. The answer to your question as to why you blame yourself for your husband's drinking is:
You have been affected by the Family Disease of Alcoholism. Al-Anon and this message board have been set up to help people recover from the devastating effect of living with this disease.
You can find information on AlAnon meetings in your area by looking in the white pages of the telephone book. You are not alone. Read thru the messages on this board and I am sure you will be able to identify with the feelings and find help and perhaps a glimmer of hope. Please keep coming back and posting.
I found out that one of the reasons I did was because I came to believe them and when I did they didn't have to work so hard at getting the focus turned off of them selves. The alcoholic blames because they can't stand the pain of accepting the responsibility for their own condition or consequences. When blamed myself the blamers in my family didn't have to work so hard at it.
Like hotrod offered...the program and rooms of Al-Anon, the literature and the suggestions from sponsors and oldtimers, the steps, traditions and slogans and more will save your sanity and then give you a serenity not even the alcoholic can take away again.
He will blame and while he is doing the blaming you can learn to say and practice..."That's no true. I'm not that powerful to make you a drunk and mess up your life like it is. It's gotta be you or something else." Go to as many meetings as you can in the next 90 days and keep coming back here...there is tons more feedback coming.
You are in the right place to ask these questions and learn. I had a lot to learn about alcoholism. First, is that I am powerless over alcohol... I can't control it, I didn't cause my husband's problem with it, etc. Your feelings come from living with alcoholism and some call it codependency. I didn't understand codependency until my counselor showed me how we obsess over and behave with the alcoholic the way he behaves with alcohol. It is a very complex disease. Read and learn about it. Take care of yourself.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor (good for the ). I have this saying when the A would be drinking and say hurtful things: "It's the alcohol talking." NONE of this is your fault.
You've come to the right place. Alanon is about our recovery. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if the A chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. Recovery is absolutely possible. There is always a new day when you have a program in place. Alanon will give you the tools you need to deal with this disease. Please find some local face to face meetings. You will realize you are not alone in this. There are plenty of us out there who have been right where you are. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Codependency is a hard one. I know living with an active alcholic would be very very difficult for me. Alcoholics can be charismatic, charming, giving, sweet kind and they can have a very dark side too. If I even suspect someone is an alcoholic or an unrecovered one I set a lot of distance.
You are in the right place. Why not give this program a try. You can download lots of literature on various sites. You can come here, learn more about people who work this program and get better. Sometimes its slow but its nevertheless possible to go forward.
We say in Al-Anon the alocholic is going to do what he is going to do. The bigger question is, "What are are you going to do". My sugestion to you is to take the the advice of the members who have posted above. They have tons of ESH (experience, strength, and hope). One thing for sure, you are not to blame. A's will find an excuse, trust me, and usually blame the person closest to them. In his case that is you.
Start taking care of yourself-----------FIRST!!!---------And keep coming back.
I gotta agree with tlcate that your post is the most succinct post to demonstrate the dance of alcoholism! Its a fantastic question and I want to commend you on the courage it took to arrive upon it. I think some of the best things in life are the questions, NOT the answers.
Keep coming back here and attend face to face meetings, as many as possible. Keep an open mind. Hugs, J.
I wasn't sure if my question would make me think to look for tha answer. But it did. And with the replys, I feel that I on the right track. Thank you all for taking time for the question.
). I have this saying when the A would be drinking and say hurtful things: "It's the alcohol talking." NONE of this is your fault. 
Alanon will give you the tools you need to deal with this disease. Please find some local face to face meetings. You will realize you are not alone in this. There are plenty of us out there who have been right where you are. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
