The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am hating my job and I cannot seem to stop. I need to stop hating my job. I need to keep my job even though everything (sick) in me is screaming for me to quit.
I just took a week off to deal with my storage unit leftover from my marriage which was a pretty horrible week, generally. Big bad reminders of that loss, rejection, etc. etc. VERY stressful and a lot of work and very expensive, to boot. And its NOT concluded in any way. I am going to need to go back ANOTHER TIME (yuck). I have no idea when, I will cross that bridge when I come to it later, I have let it go for now.
I guess I went expecting a little catharsis or relief (eating the elephant one bite at a time, feeling like I was taking care of some old stuff and "putting it to bed") but got nothing but the re-opening of old wounds.
During that week, I was called almost every day about work stuff which normally would not bother me but this time, it did. I was not in a good place because of what I was working on. I gathered resentment about work as I was busting my ass dealing with the storage unit. I was so stressed out and messed up emotionally and psychologically by dealing with the storage unit that I did not generate a boundary to protect myself re: work. My mistake, I now can see. But I really did not think that going back and dealing with the storage unit was going to destabilize me the way it did.
I am feeling like my job is an albatross around my neck. I know this is just a bad feeling that I seem to be constantly carrying around about it and that its most likely not real. I have asked HP for help. I have demanded that God remove my fear and replace it with love (my general prayer, overall, daily) and erase this terrible increasing anxiety I feel.
I think that I am transferring some of the rejection of the divorce stuff to my work and job situation but cannot seem to make it stop. I see my shrink on weds and will discuss this with her. I am also looking at needing to take meds to numb this anxiety and keep me on track with the 9-5 thing that I must remain in for now. I need to pay off some bills and then I can quit, maybe in a year. By then, I will have the storage unit all finished up, too. Maybe in a year, I can make some choices/transitions to some better things. I need to stay on track and plod thru this.
As I write this, I can see that my job is sort of functioning like an alcoholic in my life! HA! I am walking on eggshells, dealing with highly unpredictable situations and people, a work atmosphere of a high amount of perfectionism and pressure, image vs. reality stuff, lots of denial, etc. etc. DETACHMENT with love, its time!
Today is Monday and a new week. Please help me to begin it with a fresh start and a new attitude. My old one sucks. Thanks for listening. J.
PS: yep, tried the gratitude lists, made program calls, attended meetings, etc. I am in the mode of taking each hour at a time, sometimes each minute.
After spending some time with my HP this AM, I can see that I just need to step up. I need to stop denying and start working on simply facing things and slowly going thru stuff re: my job, etc. I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and this is an opportunity to humbly and simply step up. Thanks and wish me well, I am going to need it! Jean
Thank you so much for your post. I do wish you well. I am so grateful to have found this site. I no longer feel so alone. Your story is very similar to mine and today with my HP through your words I can make it one more day. Much thanks, lostcadc
"Today is Monday a new week", you've got the right attitude girl, just stick to it and your gratitude lists, program calls, and attending meetings throughout the week.
Detachment with love is a good tool to use with the alcoholic and with people you work with as well. Don't forget to "Think" before you speak and remember "Easy Does It" with difficult people.
I am in a different place than you. I am looking for a job and have an interview tomorrow morning with a school district that is close to where I live. I wanting to get the job so that I can teach and work on my certification at the same time, so wish me luck.
I know that it is hard trudging through a job that you don't like, I've been there before too, but keep plugging along until HP shows you a better way, jobs are hard to find these days. That might be something for your gratitude list, that you at least do have a job.
Just a thought, take what you like and leave the rest.
((((Jean)))) Sounds to me like you have a lot on you and I'm sorry you have so much to go through right now. I don't hate my job, Thank God, but it is a big burden at times and tiresome. It's really good though that you recognize your actions and anxieties for what they are and where they are coming from. You are using your tools which is great also and doing all the right things. I read in one of my books that if we are going through a troublesome period it is because HP is trying to work out something in us, a lesson of some sort that we need to learn.....I try when this happens, as hard as I know it is for me to do, to remember I am right where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing....
Please take care of you......
your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
That reminded me that it isn't only in the Middle East where people strap explosives to their body and blow themselves up. Its only in the program that we get to do it over and over and over again. My (((((love))))) and suggestion is, if you don't already have a "JUST FOR TODAY" pamphlet see if you can find one in the literature at your face to face meeting. See if that little card or fold out helps. There are many more pieces that will help and for my experience that was simplest and best.
Get it, read it, memorize it, practice it...just one day at a time.
there's a reason I don't clear out the storage unit I have (which has some of the ex A's stuff in it. I think you've summarized it very well. I know there will be resentment, anxiety and a big stick waiting for me when I do it. First of all I think its great you did it. That's one huge task of the setting an ending out of the way.
I am sure you are well aware of the economy. This is not job search time. If there are any vacancies they have a lot of resumes at the door. I mean you can do some time on brushing up your resume and making contacts but your job would have to be totally a nightmare before anyone would recommend leaving it at the moment. That said it is still great grist for the mill to see this boundary lesson in action. As someone who has huge issues at work I welcome people talking about them all the more. I find the being "political" at work very very difficult. I do very badly at it. I've quit lots of jobs. My happiest day is always my last day on the job. I'd like to change that.
((((Jean4444))) I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You bring so much compassion and understanding to this forum. Thanks for your ESH.
fwiw, having gone through similar work experiences, it could be that This To Will Pass, and you'll be able to detach more as the rest of your life gets less emotionally fraught. It's always worked out that way for me (so far), because when it comes down to it, as dysfunctional as my bosses and coworkers are, they're okay people at the core. I can only hope you're in the same boat. Is there any way you can take a couple days off and visit some people who love you? (Preferably someplace with no cell phone reception?)
