The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a tense moment with a friend tonight. She is having another party next weekend. As we were talking tonight, I asked what I could bring. She rattled off what she and another person are bringing, so I offered a salad. She said that would be "perfect" and then proceeded to tell me the guest list is up to 20, implying that I need to bring enough for 20! This shocked me since her last two parties were only 7 people.
Feeling like I'm not a catering service, I immediately said that she should just ask everyone to bring something. I suggested this last week too, suggested she plan a "pot-luck party" since she is ALWAYS saying how she lives paycheck to paycheck. She got very defensive tonight, saying that she ONLY does that when people ASK if they can bring something. I backed down, feeling like I crossed onto her side of the street since she DID NOT ASK for any suggestions. I smoothed it over, said goodbye and began to feel a serious resentment.
So, I did an inventory. My part is, I fear confrontation so I backed down. I don't know how to speak up for myself, and I'm clumsy when I try. I'm a people pleaser, and in the moment, most everyone is always right and I'm wrong... What do I do with all that? Start chopping lettuce?!!
I know it's only a salad. I don't have to be a perfectionist and make it fancy and elaborate like I usually do. I think the right thing to do is to bring what I WANT to bring, stopping short of having a resentment.
But, I am codependent and I want everyone to like me. I am LIKELY to bring enough for 20. And make it fancy and elaborate. It's scary to do it any other way, these are my only friends...
Thanks for listening. I knew I could bring that mess here.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think you did good in doing a quick inventory. But I didn't read anything about boundaries. If I were in your shoes, I think I might've expressed surprise that the guest list had grown so much and then said something like "Oh okay, I'll bring enough salad for 6-8 people and that will be my contribution. Thanks for letting me pitch in a little bit."
It has been my experience that when I say how I FEEL, like "Oh I'm surprised", nobody can contradict that. At least most people won't say "Oh that's not how you feel" LOL.
I know it's hard to set boundaries like I'm suggesting. I would've felt the same way you do about wanting to go above and beyond my original offer, and "make" everybody like me. I would have hoped to get attention and the compliments that I was willing to bring so much.
I love you and have never had one of your salads!! What makes them sooo special? Glad your feedback to her was very helpful...did you have a reaction to her reaction? I like what my wife does when she jumps into similar situations. One of those times when I know she's got it over me in the keep it simple department. She buys a couple bags of prepared salad greens, a small carton of cherry tomatoes (not the huge one) throws it all together just before the get-together and takes a bottle of ranch dressing. Seems like everyone will use ranch dressing. I've never seen a whiner face on any of the eaters. She is sooo smart!!
Jerry, I hate to brag. I have a wide range of salads, most are elaborately arranged, and one I light on fire. That's right, a flaming spinach salad.
I know I don't NEED to bring a flaming salad, but I have a habit of doing EXTRA-ordinary, no matter how exhausting or expensive. People marvel, my ego puffs up, and I feel "worthy" again.
Your suggestion to keep it simple is very wise though and I am considering your salad recipe to keep from having the resentment. (In Hawaii, I imagine you throw in some edible flowers too, right? Something from the yard?)
Keep it simple. I got it.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Well I have to personally examine my people pleasing stuff. Yes its great to be a wonderful chef but is it mutual. If you are the only one cooking this elaborate salad what does that say when the rest of them show up with bread and cheese. I challenge myself to get attention in other ways, practice talking to people I don't know, make new friends (fi these are your only friends this might be a goal). Practice doing something different. You know where you go with people pleasing I know where it goes for me. If I don't give freely its a resentment waiting to happen.
For me rather than go in circles I go in a different direction. Do something different, hold back. Go out meet new peole, practice doing something else other than the same old same old. Save the great great cooking (never mind the expense) for yourself.
I think Jerry's suggestion is great, two fold. Make a simple salad (force yourself..lol). That way you aren't knocking yourself out and can keep some resentments at bay. Or maybe a pasta salad, there's lots of volume in pasta!
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I too do the bagged salad thing. Add Cherry Tomatoes, tada!... I also make a great Taco Soup for potlucks, open several cans put it in the crock pot, and its ready after work. KISS is the best thing I have learned from Alanon. I talk myself down from many a huge anxiety attack this way. I have never regretted keeping it simple. I have regretted doing something elaborate, and not getting recognized for it. Premeditated resentment. Not a good thing.
Good luck! julie
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Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.
